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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"She's got the weekends off because she's a mum"

124 replies

TicTicBOOM · 02/12/2014 13:11

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, genuinely.

Recently DH started a new job within the company, and until now his rota has been up in the air. He took it upon himself to look at the available rotas to find a gap where he could fit in and he noticed there was an opportunity for him to work monday - friday with fixed weekends off (something that is quite rare in his line of work) and brought this up with his boss. Boss agreed that it looked like he would be able to have this shift, there was fixed cover for the weekends he'd have off, and it suited the company very well for him to do this. Boss happy, DH over the moon, all good.

DH was told he'd have his rota by the end of December with a view to start it in January.

A couple of weeks ago new colleague transferred over and is being trained to do the same job as DH. They got chatting the other day, and she mentioned how she'd been told she can have a monday - friday shift. DH spoke to his boss about this and apparently yes, she's been given the shift instead of DH, last minute decision - he just hadn't been notified yet.

When he asked why she'd been given it over him, he was told it is because 'she's a mum, we tend to give the weekends to women with children where available'

Now, I know, being a mother myself that weekends with my children mean a lot. But they mean an equally great deal to my husband.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is unfair on DH, and that he's basically been denied something he was told he could have, just because he's a man? Or is what they've done fair for reasons I'm not understanding?

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 16:55

But children aren't the only commitments. And it really isn't up to managers to make judgments and decisions about whose outside life is more important than who else's. That just leads to unfairness, and bad feeling.

Blu · 02/12/2014 17:03

"but the situation tends to be that women are the ones to work childcare around their job, rather than their husbands," and how does that happen, we ask ourselves?

EustaciaBenson · 02/12/2014 17:06

Because you're sharing your opinion Bertie and its an opinion some of us disagree with. Im for equality for everyone, parents, men, womem, non parents etc. You apparently want pripriority for parents and us childless people should only get a chance if we have commitments that cant be moved. Right now I'm very grateful I do not work with you!

Norfolkandchance1234 · 02/12/2014 17:06

I know a few single mums who were sacked from their jobs because their companies decided to change everyone's hours and they just couldn't do those hours because of childcare commitments. Younger less experienced employees could so got to keep their jobs al alongside others who could do the hours. They were in temporary yet permanent roles so couldn't fight against it.

Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 17:09

And I'm sure lots of people have lost their jobs because altered hours didn't fit in with other important commitments in their lives. You just can't start making different rules for different employees. Overall it leads to far more unfairness.

aermingers · 02/12/2014 17:17

Nurseries and childminders are not available over the weekends. If this woman has no family or contact with the father is not stable then she would probably have to leave her job if she couldn't work weekends, especially if the transfer was because her old role was redundant and a Mon-Fri role. If that's the case no employer worth their salt would put one employee in the situation of having to leave their job and become unemployed because another employee simply fancied having weekends off.

I guess the OP's partner could write and ask them to explain their reasoning, but as he had nothing in writing there's not much he can do beyond that. I suspect that there may very well be good reasons that this woman was given those shifts and the 'because she's a mum' is just a bad explanation of something more complex.

BertieBotts · 02/12/2014 17:18

I disagree.

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 17:22

Other people shouldn't have to suffer for other people's lifestyle choices. But that's all I'll say about that Grin

Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 17:23

Well I hope you don't demand priority in your own workplace simply because you have children Bertie. I can't imagine it would make you very popular with your colleagues.

Original poster
TicTicBOOM · 02/12/2014 17:29

She was transferring because the role had better opportunities, no redundancies.

Yes, DH does simply fancy having the weekends off. To see his children who are in school five days a week. I don't know anything about the woman's situation, but she's supported enough that she is able to apply for and accept a job that starts at 4am with school-aged children.

I don't think she's made a flexible working request. Those take a lot longer than a week to process and be granted. It's sounding as though she asked for the shift in the same way DH did. Really, nothing against her, who wouldn't want weekends off? Just think, especially with the reasons his boss gave him, it's looking like a bit of gender discrimination.

And nothing's going to be done about it in all probability, which makes me mad. DH will be seen as a trouble-maker or a whiner, and certainly he'll have no sympathy from other colleagues as it's not the done thing for men to campaign for a better work/life balance.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 17:32

I wouldn't even be bothered about being seen as a trouble maker or whiner, in fact like I said I did it myself when put in that situation. If I was him I would first ask to chat with the boss and ask why had he given verbal confirmation of the shift, if he was going to give it to someone from a transfer. And ask him the rational behind it. He is entitled to do so, and if he isn;t happy with the answer then a grievance could be the way forward.

Businesses get away with things because people are scared of rocking the boat.

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 02/12/2014 17:34

Could the weekends be split so one has Saturday off and the other has Sunday off? Your DH could suggest it as a compromise.

ilovesooty · 02/12/2014 17:36

I think he should give ACAS a call and get their opinion.
I'd also not want to work with someone who held Bertie 's opinion.

zeezeek · 02/12/2014 17:49

Does this woman actually know that your DH had already requested and been granted those rotas? It may be that it she has no idea that there is a problem and would be perfectly willing to swap/share shifts.

We should support everyone to manage their work/life balance - not just one section of society. What kind of society will our children grow up in if they continually see childfree people and Dads being the ones who are doing all the unpopular shifts. It also breeds discontent within the workplace towards working mothers.

I have always had a job that required long hours and weekend working on a fairly regular basis. That was the case before I had children and is the case now I have two. However, I chose that career and I am lucky that I have the support so I can do that. If I, for some reason, became a single parent, then it would be my responsibility to manage the children and work - not my colleagues, and if that wasnt possible then I would have to find a job where I could manage easier.

Everyone's lives and commitments need to be considered, regardless of their choices and situation in life..

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 02/12/2014 17:50

So what would happen if you'd taken a weekend job OP, based on the fact that DH was around to look after your children then? It seems very unfair that work hours have been agreed and then changed at the last minute. Surely they're key to whether or not someone takes a role?! I certainly think he should take it further.

My DF had to train a younger female colleague for a role he did once. It involved travelling around various UK bases. DM and DF are divorced and DF was quite happy to travel further afield so his new colleague could stay closer to home and her child. It made no difference to the company. He was reprimanded for 'helping her out'. Go figure.

dangly131 · 02/12/2014 17:53

If she hasn't made a request for flexible working hours then maybe your husband should. Flexible working hour requests have to be considered for everyone now. He should get in before she does as they should be considered on a first come basis regardless of parental status. They don't have to be given but if he puts in a request and it is not granted, then she does and it is, it would support any grievance with the company for sexism.

Fabulous46 · 02/12/2014 18:28

I do think parents with childcare requirements should get priority over non parents, just my opinion, doesn't make it right

I completely disagree with your opinion! Are you saying non parents should suck up the holidays they're given over parents? Really? The 'entitled to' attitude of some parents is beyond belief when it comes to holidays and childcare in my experience. I'll give you an example. I have taken on a new role at work and manage a new team. On my first day one team member was rather vocal in saying she ALWAYS has EVERY Christmas Eve off when I mentioned rotas. Just let's say she's working this year as well as in between Christmas and New Year and isn't happy. Shame on the last manager for allowing this behaviour! Needless to say, the rest of the team are ecstatic at actually getting a chance at some festive time off instead of one "I have children so I'm more entitled than you" selfish woman.

rollonthesummer · 02/12/2014 18:35

That's not fair- your DH must say something!

Fabulous46 · 02/12/2014 18:37

TicToc I really think your OP should try and speak to someone, this is so unfair, especially when he had been offered the shifts in the first place.

zeezeek · 02/12/2014 21:28

I know it's hard, but these employers will carry on doing this unless someone stands up to them.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/12/2014 21:43

Is this really some people's attitudes? That we should not allow any flexibility within workforces to accommodate childcare. That you either work or have kids? Or have kids only if you have family who would be willing to look after them at any time?

I'm flabbergasted. I used to work in a 24hr shift based role. I would always swap shifts or annual leave where possible with parents. Because quite frankly most of the time, it wasn't as important to me as it clearly was to them. Being a mother now and looking back, I'm glad I did. It is bloody hard negotiating a career with children. What's the answer? No one work? No one has children? No. The answer is flexible work conditions.

Back to the OP, yes your DH was promised them first. The company needs to honour and accommodate both employees somehow.

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 21:44

No thefence that's not it at all. It's saying that the same flexibility should be afforded to those who chose not to have children.

Only1scoop · 02/12/2014 21:45

Yanbu....

Very unfair on Dh

Fabulous46 · 02/12/2014 21:50

Is this really some people's attitudes? That we should not allow any flexibility within workforces to accommodate childcare.

This is not what's being said at all. Everyone should be treated equally in the workplace whether they have childcare or not. Some people have no children but do have other commitments outside work. I've had 4 children and would never have expected to be treated differently to those without children.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/12/2014 21:51

Grays that is not what some people on here are saying.

They are saying that she shouldn't get flexible shifts because of her children. That she shouldn't have had children. That childcare should not be a reason to consider flexible working.

I didn't say that that people without children shouldn't be given flexible working.