AIBU to think vile people aren't born that way?

[Mollymoofer]

It's a conundrum, isn't it? I know someone who is causing so much damage to their family, children especially, but I know private things about their childhood that must have damaged them big style.

I've been accused in the past of being a bleeding hearted liberal.

AIBU to think if someone goes through life with no regard for others, it's because they've learned that from others at an early age?

All mental illnesses affect brain function. You are still responsible for your actions and how you treat people. That includes therapy if you can't do it on your own.

But to your point Chedder those are extreme cases. Most people with abusive child hoods don't come out unable to function in normal society like that.

The majority of people with abusive childhoods are able to distinguish right from wrong and make a conscious decision on whether to repeat their behavior or stop the cycle. You don't accidentally abuse or neglect someone, that's very deliberate behavior. You make it sound like they have no control over themselves. They do.

Having a shitty childhood doesn't make their behavior any more palatable, nor should it make it any more tolerable.

I have a family member that I think was born 'vile' for want of a better term. I think she is a mix of unfortunate genes and then her parents have done everything wrong in her upbringing (of course that's just my opinion!) From birth she was miserable. Even as a tiny baby she would glower and fix you with a weird horrible stare. Her DMum tried to breast feed her but found the baby would not settle to it. As a toddler you had to see the tantrums to believe them and none of the usual tricks worked. This person is now grown and is the most appalling person really. She will take and hide your stuff just for fun and so people never even try to get close to her as she is an arch manipulator. She still lives with her parents who enable her totally and are a bit scared of her. If she doesn't get her own way she starves herself or threatens suicide. Everything has to revolve around her. If I go there, I leave my bag in the car and keep my car keys in my pocket as she took the keys to my previous car and I never saw them again. This is a trait her grandmother had but she has taken it to a new level.
Her father had a nervous breakdown over her schooling. She had to be moved several times.
So in answer to your OP. I think some people can be born vile. I think this family member was. I hate to see the effect she has on those around her. She chooses to do it up to a point too, as she loves money and works part time and she is well regarded at work so must control her abusive behaviour and sarcastic tongue there I imagine. She utterly gives me the creeps and am convinced she is diagnosable. I see her rarely by choice. I can't bear to even look at her when I am there but catch myself being pleasant to her lest she turn her attentions to me and not in a good way. She has zero empathy with others and I think she is capable of really bad stuff without a blink of an eye.

Bulbasaur I think you position is a gross oversimplification. People learn behaviours and responses from their environment and the adults around them as they grow. It's not as simple as just waking up one day and saying "oh, my reaction of aggression and fear to uncertain situations is inappropriate, I think I will change it." People who have suffered trauma, especially in early childhood, simply don't recognise that.

There's research that people are unable to interpret facial expressions or body language appropriately for example, meaning that a smile or a friendly gesture provokes "fight or flight" in them.

Yes these are extreme examples but they do sadly exist.