To chuckle gently at my friends parenting plans

[Wowthishurtsalot]

She's 4 months pregnant with her PFB and is already dreaming of parenting without raising her voice and without using time outs because she thinks both are cruel

AIBU to chuckle to myself and just sit back and wait for the ensuing chaos?

I know you wouldn't say it to her face but sneering and judging behind her back is equally horrible IMO. I'd be really upset if my friend was supportive to my face but posted about me on a forum.

Yabu. And patronising.
It's perfectly possible to parent without shouting or time out. I'm assuming you've used both, which is why you seem to think it's impossible.

I know DoJo

Some people are mis reading the thread and thinking its about whether or not you agree with time out.

YANBU. The ones without kids or pregnant are always the best with the parenting advice. Until they have an 18 month old kicking them in the throat as you tie their shoelaces in the morning.

Quite prepared to miss the point of the thread but I don't understand the hate for time out. It was the only thing that worked for me with my DS. He could tantrum at Olympic level. I obviously wasn't going to shout at/hit him so putting him in a safe place till he calmed down and was ready to listen was the only option that worked. Personally I think behaviour charts are a load of shite, but many rate them. So long as you're not abusing your DCs physically or mentally in order to get them to behave well, I don't see a problem.

I've never raised my voice.

I never used time outs as a teacher but with DSs particular disability it's the only thing he responds to

I've raised my voice and used time out, yes. But I do not shout or scream, to me that's showing a loss of control and automatically gives the kids carte Blanche to behave as they will towards me.

Yes everyone parents differently but as has been pointed out several times on here no one parents as well as a childless or pregnant person

"". So what do you do then when for example, your 4 year old refuses to get ready to go to school, or starts to tell lies, or when your 3 year old keeps on hitting his brother and refuses to stop when repeatedly told not to, or your two year old bites you? ""

Two year olds bite, sometimes until they can communicate better, so gentle restraint and showing that I was hurt, then modelling wanted behaviour, is all you can do.

As well as recognising triggers and stopping it from building, but they will still occasionally bite.

It sounds cliche, but modelling good/wanted behaviour from day one, does make a difference. This includes how we talk about others, treat others and communicate.

Three year olds don't have empathy, so some punishment is necessary, time outs aren't damaging for a three year old, I just didn't use them.

Reward and praise work.

For the four year old, reinforcing the positive spin of being on time means that we don't miss out on being with our friends and what they are doing. Build a sense of pride for being on time and reward the change. There are days when a four year old is going to lag, if it's a one off, ignore and hurry them along. If they like their teacher, put it to them that she will be disappointed in us not being on time.

Four is an age when they start to build empathy, but it is only developing.

Four year olds do lie, it depends on what's being said.

I was a LP and I used to get my children to help from the POV that life inside our home was much better for all of us and when we were organised we got to do fun things, because we had time.

It gets laughed at, but you do see the difference in adults that have been bought up in positive, nurturing homes.

I'm afraid all my plans went out the window too, but I did have quite a demanding child (Though I never did use timeout because I knew she wouldn't respond to it.) I do have one friend in particular whose children are so gentle and sweet-natured, at least when they were small, that she never had any need to shout. But she is also gentle and sweet-natured herself.

I don't think this is about time outs and shouting, just that it might be better for soon to be mums not to be too rigid in their thinking that everything will go according to their plans and wants - especially if they are being a wee bit smug and know it all. A little bit of uncertainty and a realisation that it may go differently could be in order.

I was listening to my niece and her other childless friend talking to their friend (just had a baby) about how easy it is if you just get into a routine and take no nonsense and ignore all the new fangled stuff.

It really does depend on your kids, my friend, who is much more patient person than me, has regularly been reduced to tears by her children.
The first was always pretty highly strung, then the second arrived and it soon became clear he had a PhD in How to be a Little Sod. He relentlessly winds up his highly strung sister and the fall out is unbelievable. I honestly think they have the worst possible combination of personalities in their children.

He had time outs - till they realised the place where he had his time outs had mysteriously lost all the wall paper from the walls...

YABU to use the phrase 'chuckle gently'.. makes me cringe.

I will join you in chuckling gently as obviously there are so many wonderful parents on here who don't need discpline strategies like time outs - which I find brilliant btw - they remove the stress and raised voices that can occur. Read 1,2, 3 magic, it's an awesome book esp if your dealing with adhd

Teeheeheehee (chuckling loudly) - no one can imagine the torture of broken nights until they get there - thank god all long behind me.

Birdsgottafly thank you for taking the time to write that, it was interesting and helpful to me to find new strategies for my children. Sorry for thread derailment. OP is not being unreasonable to think that parents -to -be often find reality to be different to what they imagined and frequently find themselves doing things they didn't think they'd do.

Generally i dislike threads where people pour blanket scorn on one parenting method or another. If you read all of this, you end up with no strategies left and a feeling of failure and disempowerment. Perhaps OP encourage friend to investigate as many different approaches as possible and to keep an open mind and be prepared to try different styles of parenting and discipline strategies until they see what works best. Then be prepared to change as the child grows and changes themselves.

It's nice to have hopes and dreams though isn't it? It'd be a bit of a sad place to live in, if your hopes for the future were to spend all the time shouting at your children.

AIBU to chuckle to myself and just sit back and wait for the ensuing chaos?

You sound like a right charmer!

Arethereanyleftatall, I LOVE your post!

Thanks!

I have rarely had to raise my voice at DS and never used time outs so it's perfectly possible. Every parent has their own view on acceptable ways to raise children.

I find it unbelievable frankly that a parent could have got through the toddler and up to say 5 years without raising their voice even once! I realise that says more about me!! I don't like time outs either, they don't work for me. But aren't we allowed a rueful chuckle at soon to be parents with high ideals? I packed a "Grey ensemble" - light grey trousers and soft jumper - in my hospital bag along with cashmere socks for my PFB birth. Both were splattered with blood and milk before you could say "nipple shields" ! We don't know what we don't know.

These threads always sound so smug. You might be right, she might be screeching and time outing constantly but she might not.

I had all sorts of smug parents trying to draw me into conversations when I was pregnant so they could try and then pick apart what I said. I don't understand the need unless you are very insecure.

My MIL has always said "what until you have children/they are teenagers/you are a grandma" etc about stuff I really really would never, ever do (like tell them you wish you'd never had them, and making false threats - I am far enough into my parenting journey to know they are two things you don't ever need to do)

God there some proper self righteous wankers on here

Everyone has unrealistic views of parenthood before they have children!! And some afterwards - PFB anyone!

No YANBU OP.

And for all those who say they have never had to raise their voices to their children, not even once, I bet you are the sort of faffy farty parent I can't stand who quietly discusses Junior's actions with him, after Junior has just walloped some other poor child around the head with a toy saucepan for the umpteenth time.

I am always quietly amused by pre baby experts, we all did it and look back thinking "OMG, I knew nothing!", however there are some smug buggers out there.

I remember once being questioned about my parenting methods by a woman at the pub I worked in when I was pg. She laughed her head off and said that I should just wait until I had the baby, tried to make me look really foolish. I could have kissed my boss's DP when she said "Oh I dont know, I have met Bogeys 5 other children and they are lovely kids!". She just wanted to make herself look better by putting me down I think. FAIL!!