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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chuckle gently at my friends parenting plans

81 replies

Wowthishurtsalot · 30/11/2014 09:51

She's 4 months pregnant with her PFB and is already dreaming of parenting without raising her voice and without using time outs because she thinks both are cruel

AIBU to chuckle to myself and just sit back and wait for the ensuing chaos?

OP posts:
Frusso · 30/11/2014 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 30/11/2014 10:14

My youngest is 17, I didn't do Timeouts, or shouting, at them.

My DD is pregnant with her first and worked as a Nursery Nurse, I ran parenting courses, we both know effective behaviour management strategies.

I'm not anti shouting, we are all human, but don't be sneery, because she may do it differently to you.

Mine also never drank from bottles and went from the breast to cups, I was told that this be unrealistic, even when I was having my third.

I didn't do ongoing sweets or crappy toys, either.

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup · 30/11/2014 10:16

What is a timeout?

Birdsgottafly · 30/11/2014 10:18

On a side note, I did used to wonder what the hell other Mothers in the area l lived had to scream about.

In most cases they should of directed their complaints at their lazy arse partner, so they weren't so over stressed, that they took it out on their children, who they didn't have to keep having.

I live amongst poor parenting, though.

Pfeffernusse · 30/11/2014 10:20

I don't really know what timeouts are either. I don't use the word at least.

I try not to raise my voice, it still happens, but I aim not to do it.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/11/2014 10:22

At least she didn't say " I'll never let my child turn out like yours". As my Dsis said to me whilst she was pregnant with her DD & my DS1 was having an aspergers meltdown in a restaurant because the gammon had come with gravy on.

WidowWadman · 30/11/2014 10:22

Never done time outs with child one, never needed to. Child 2 is a different story

BikeRunSki · 30/11/2014 10:23

Leave her be. She'll work out what works for her. I might not be what works for you. I was too preoccupied by throwing up in both my pregnancies to think about future parenting.

Chunderella · 30/11/2014 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GokTwo · 30/11/2014 10:26

I know what you mean, sometimes people can say things that seem very idealistic when they are pregnant. It depends on the child though. Dd has always been incredibly gentle and easy going and very easy to parent, never a need for shouting and time outs. Had I had a second child I'm well aware that I may have done both!

simbacatlivesagain · 30/11/2014 10:27

I have never used a time out- 20 years or parenting. Using time outs or behaviour charts etc isn't what the majority of parents do in my experience.

I overheard a woman in a shop this week going on about putting pasta in a jar hanging on the bedroom door of her son if he was well behaved- told him it was from the fairies. He then got a weekly treat (a cake) - he was pre school. I thought- why don't you just address the cause of what she described as being 'naughty'. All seemed very complicated to me.

StetsonsAreCool · 30/11/2014 10:37

The thing I don't like about time outs is the amount time you spend teaching them they have to stay there Grin

So I put my effort into teaching DD why she shouldn't have done whatever it was she shouldn't have done instead. She's 4.6 and never had time out or naughty step.

I raise my voice on a hourly daily basis though.

I was going to have a child that doesn't interrupt when the grown ups are talking to each other. Ha. Hahaha.

It's good to have things to aim for, but it's also good to be flexible on your expectations, for your own sanity!

noblegiraffe · 30/11/2014 10:39

What's all this smuggery about not using time outs? Confused it's hardly hitting your kids is it?

TrousersSchmowsers · 30/11/2014 10:46

When I was pregnant I gave up on asking people for advice and opinion on what parenting was like because I had too many experiences of being laughed/tutted at.

I've managed to largely keep to my goals though - never smacked, avoid raising my voice, not criticising other family members within my kids' hearing, using carrot rather than stick to get things done.

I find this is true of any new endeavour, from starting a new job to running a business... you can always find plenty of people who will tell you what a nightmare it is and undermine your ability to cope. My policy is to smile, nod and do it my way anyway! Look for people who build up your confidence, not wear it down.

persepolis123 · 30/11/2014 10:47

I have managed without doing timeouts and try not to raise my voice. Have managed fine so far but DS is a very easy going child. I am prepared to admit it may be different with DD who we are expecting soon but I like to think not.

I don't see what's wrong with timeouts but different parents use different methods for discipline. I was told when DS started nursery though that they don't do timeouts there because OFSTED are not keen on it. Not sure why.

sandfish · 30/11/2014 10:48

Ok all you 'don't do time out and never raise my voice' parents. What do you do then? Simbacatlivesagain love to hear your simple solutions for toddler and child misbehaviour. Birdsgottafly - you too, you seem to know your stuff. So what do you do then when for example, your 4 year old refuses to get ready to go to school, or starts to tell lies, or when your 3 year old keeps on hitting his brother and refuses to stop when repeatedly told not to, or your two year old bites you?

Either you have angelic children, or totally undisciplined children, or maybe you know something I don't, so being positive and going with the latter, what ARE just a few of these many alternative parenting strategies that work so well?

FloozeyLoozey · 30/11/2014 10:49

I've never used a time out. I have shouted but always wished I hadn't, it has never achieved anything.

Ratracerunner · 30/11/2014 10:51

My plans;

  1. Never shout
  2. Never lose my temper
  3. Won't be allowed computer games
  4. Lots of healthy daily walks
  5. No sweets
  6. Limited TV time

Yep, they all went straight out of the window Grin

Let her enjoy her planning and hopefully she'll be made of stronger stuff than me!

Picturesinthefirelight · 30/11/2014 10:57

I've sort of used time out but never the naughty step.

My version of time out was taking ds who as a toddler/young child seemed to get like a sensory overload/meltdown in certain situations away from the situation to a calm, safe place.
Sometimes I stayed with him & physically held him, sometimes he stayed alone to have a few moments to calm.

Or if the dc were being destructive/hurrying someone I would take them away & tell them off.

MammaTJ · 30/11/2014 11:00

meltdown in a restaurant because the gammon had come with gravy on.

My local Morrisons will never make that mistake again! My DD loves gravy, but it HAS to be put on by her, if all the food on the plate needs it, or mostly dipped in. Their lovely sausage, yorkshire pudding and chips comes with gravy. I did tell them! I did ask for it to be separate. It always is now! Wink

ludog · 30/11/2014 11:00

Ah it's not so bad to chuckle quietly to yourself once you're not doing it in front of her. We all had ideas about how we'd raise our kids and life tends to adjust some of those ideas for us. I'll always remember a parenting talk I was at years ago where the speaker and his wife were both child psychologists. A member of the audience asked if it was very harmful to shout at children. His reply was that while it wasn't the best approach, it was likely that most people would at some point shout at their child, he also said that he and his wife had agreed (before they had children) that they never would shout at them. However, he admitted that when the children came along the reality was different and that they reared their children "at the top of their voices and the edge of their nerves". I must admit I found his honesty quite comforting.
Yanbu just don't share your amusement with her...she'll look back and smile at it herself in time Wink

StetsonsAreCool · 30/11/2014 11:08

I don't know if this is an 'alternative' parenting strategy, but if DD is dragging her feet over something, we tell her she's got until the count of 3 and then [insert consequence here]. It works really well for us.

Eg. We'll do it for her, for she'll go out as she is (without shoes one day, but I took them in my handbag), or she'll have to go without. Then we follow it through.

I've done more than my fair share of carrying a screaming toddler under my arm out of shops, or leaving the house in various states of undress (with appropriate clothing in my bag for when she decides that it is in fact better to be fully dressed), or restraining her while I brush her teeth/hair.

I'm not averse to raising my voice but I try and use a stern tone rather than actually shouting in temper - that's saved for when it will need the biggest effect, like when she didn't stop twirling around next to my friends baby yesterday when asked, and ended up kicking her. She won't do that again in a hurry Wink

Maybe I just have an angelic child, or we've been lucky that the first strategy we tried worked. Don't know.

Bogeyface · 30/11/2014 11:18

The only time in your life that you are a perfect parent is when you dont have children.

She will soon realise that children havent read the same books as us!

SweetsForMySweet · 30/11/2014 11:25

I think it depends on the child, their personality and how your friend parents her child. Timeout works for some children, they don't work for others. Parenting for most of us is about trial and error, if every child was the exact same and could be parented successfully using the same style every time, children would come with their own user manual! Let your friend find her own way to parent. It doesn't mean just because she plans to do it differently to you that either of you are wrong, it means you will both do what works best for you and your children.

DoJo · 30/11/2014 11:53

I hate these threads where people sneer at their 'friends' for having an idea about how they want to parent their children, as if having children of your own suddenly makes you an expert on anything other than your parenting style and your children. No wonder people feel isolated and judged when they have babies, because even the slightest hint that you might have a parenting style in mind is mocked by people who are supposed to be happy for you.