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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect more help?

21 replies

Jemima1988 · 30/11/2014 00:23

bit of back story.
I have a 8 week old baby who I am breastfeeding
my bf works long hours (about 65 hours a week which includes every other Saturday)
we are currently house hunting so live the week at my mums and every weekend at my bfs. This is a nightmare packing everything up at weekend but as bf points out its only fair ( I don't agree with this but that's another thread)

I try my very best when the bf is working to make sure he has a good night sleep. I feed, wind, soothe and do all nappies in the night. A IBM to expect more help on the Friday nights and Saturdays nights when he isn't in work?
its currently half 12 bf is not in work tomorrow ds has been cranky the past few nights due to jabs so I am extremely tired. bf tried to settle him gave it 10 mins passed him 2 me for a feed and has turned over to go 2 sleep to leave it all to me

AIBU?

OP posts:
NoSundayWorkingPlease · 30/11/2014 00:28

You are a bit. If you're bf a new baby, you're bound to be doing the majority share of night stuff. No point in both of you being awake.

Original poster
Jemima1988 · 30/11/2014 00:31

ds is wide awake and just needs a bit of comforting he isn't hungry I've fed him. He needs soothing to sleep why should this also be my job all the time?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/11/2014 00:32

He does work long hours. I know it's tiring for you but if you're breastfeeding what is the point of him getting up too. And your bf did try to settle your baby so it's not as if he ignored the baby.

MidniteScribbler · 30/11/2014 00:33

Sounds like you have some issues to work out before moving in together.

Original poster
Jemima1988 · 30/11/2014 00:34

If I soothed for 10 mins then rolled over and went to sleep who would do it? why is it NEVER my turn to roll over and let bf soothe to sleep

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 30/11/2014 00:37

He works bloody hard long hours, what's the poking in him being awake as well? You've fed the baby and now expect bf to wake up and do the next bit!

ilovesooty · 30/11/2014 00:40

Is it really a good idea to move in together with this resentment going on?
He did try to soothe the baby and a 65 hour week is pretty demanding.

Original poster
Jemima1988 · 30/11/2014 00:43

Obviously IABU must be the lack of sleep and hormones

OP posts:
VinoTime · 30/11/2014 00:49

The OP is working long hours too though - exclusively breast feeding and looking after a tiny baby who only sleeps a couple/few hours at a time is fucking exhausting, especially whilst recovering from labour, etc. The OP isn't getting any downtime by the sounds of it.

I get that during the week, your BF has to be at work, so it's certainly fairer for you to do the lions share then as you can nap at home if needs be to catch up on sleep, but at a weekend he needs to pull his finger out. If the baby's been fed and is just fussing, there is no reason why he cannot take over.

If a partner ever did what you have just described to me, I'd have picked up my bedside lamp and lumped him with it! And if he pulls the whole 'I've just done a 65 hour week and I'm tired!' on you, you fire straight back with 'And I've been on call every minute of every hour of every day since DS was born. Your turn, arsehole." And then you turn over and go to sleep Smile

lollypopkid14 · 30/11/2014 00:50
Sad
CheeseEqualsHappiness · 30/11/2014 00:52

You need to discuss this and not let it fester. It should sometimes be your turn to roll over, this is not unreasonable. Maybe a planned lie in for you would help?

26Point2Miles · 30/11/2014 00:52

Yeah course, violence will solve it! Hmm

Op lives with her parents during the week.... He's also now asleep. Asleep whilst op was feeding.... So now she should wake him up?? Seriously?

lollypopkid14 · 30/11/2014 00:52

breastfeeding is very hard work and when you have a fussy newborn who has recently had their injections it can be a 24 hour job with very little sleep
I agree with vino 10 mins then giving up is not putting effort in. What would he do if you gave up after that amout of time just let the little one scream?

lollypopkid14 · 30/11/2014 00:56

op said she had already fed him, the bf was soothing gave up, passed the baby back then went to sleep.... so at this point they are both awake. why does he get to give up and roll over?

Original poster
jemima1988 · 30/11/2014 01:00

My bf automatically thinks that if he doesn't settle straight away he is obviously hungry even though he had already been fed... basically I can't do it I'm going to sleep

I agree he works long hours which is why I do it all in the week but surly I deserve a break too

OP posts:
Moniker1 · 30/11/2014 01:08

I don't understand - who is living with your DM, you and baby? So does BF look after himself then?

The problem with wanting him to step up is that you will have to buy earplugs because he will probably not be much good at settling baby so you will have to try to sleep through him not coping well. What about him getting up and seeing to baby in the morning after its morning feed and you going back to bed?

CatLady25 · 30/11/2014 01:09

You Need to take into account his long hours but i dont see how a one off of him looking after baby is bad thing, just mention it to him

Original poster
jemima1988 · 30/11/2014 01:15

in the morning he goes to play football from 9 till 12 ish so can't take over then

OP posts:
SorchaN · 30/11/2014 01:15

What would happen if you woke him up and asked him to spend an hour with the baby while you get a nap? Would he do it?

Does your mum help out at night when you're tired and the baby needs attention?

If it were me, I'd stay in the place where I got the most help. If your mum helps more than your bf, then maybe you could stay with her at weekends and your bf could come to visit you and the baby for a few hours, at least until you're less exhausted.

Also, if you're constantly feeling miserable and desperate, then you should see your GP to talk about the possibility that you have some postnatal depression. It's very common, and there is help available. It's really important that you look after yourself.

It isn't forever, and it WILL get better. But yes, I think it's your boyfriend who is being unreasonable here.

Original poster
jemima1988 · 30/11/2014 01:20

My mum is wonderful but I would never go 2 her in the night to help she has a full time job and my ds is not her responsibility he is mine AND bf

OP posts:
SorchaN · 30/11/2014 01:31

If your boyfriend is working more than 60 hrs per week and expecting to play football for three hours on Saturday morning after insisting that you move yourself and the baby and all the baby stuff to his place for the weekend, just to move back again on Sunday, then he needs to rethink his priorities.

It's great that your mum is wonderful. Have you talked to her about this issue? She might have some good advice.

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