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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my dad it isn't bloody about him!!!

55 replies

Millie3030 · 29/11/2014 18:28

So just had a row with my dad, whilst in the hospice at my mums deathbed. They are both 60, and my mum has a few days to live, been in here for the last week and my dad has pretty much been AWOL leaving my sister and I taking it in shifts looking after mum. He says he isn't coping, and he has a dodgy heart and just keeps saying he has tightness in his chest, has seen the doc and he has given him medication. But it's all about him, it's all he talks about, how he feels, how much sleep he has had, if he is dizzy. And to be frank I think he is being a pussy and needs to fucking suck it up. We are all struggling and I can't deal with him going on and on about himself, for the 1 or 2 hours he manages to sit with my mum. Whilst we do everything else.

I'm being a completely horrible cow I know it, but I only have the energy for my mum at the moment, I can deal with him next week when she isn't here anymore.

OP posts:

AryaUnderfoot · 29/11/2014 18:35

Sorry, I can't give you any advice. It sounds like a truly awful situation, and it must be really upsetting and frustrating.

Just wanted to send

PurplePidjin · 29/11/2014 18:37

Take a deep breath. Call someone in real life who can offer you practical support, maybe popping a meal in your freezer or bringing you some groceries. Cry on someone.

Then chin up, you're strong and this is hell

Wishtoremainunknown · 29/11/2014 18:38

He sounds a lot like my mum. I remember screaming this at her when my dad had cancer and she was doing similar.

Has he always been like this or is it a reaction to this situation ?

In my mums case she's always been that way. Needs to create drama , make a fuss and have the attention re directed at her for whatever reason.

OftheTwilighttheDarkness · 29/11/2014 18:39

Is this normal behaviour for your dad or is a reaction to the stress of your mum being in a hospice? I know it is hard but you need to just focus on the time you are spending with your mum and try and ignore him. N

wheresthelight · 29/11/2014 18:41

sorry if this sounds harsh but I think yabu. understandably you are upset but so is he and he is probably trying to deal with it in the best way he knows how. give him a break. you are losing your mum and he is losing his wife and life partner.

people deal with death in all sorts of ways and ime men of a certain age tend to deal with it by running and hiding.

I am sorry about your mum!

Fabulous46 · 29/11/2014 18:42

My dad didn't cope well when my mum was dying. It transpired it was because he was terrified of losing her. It was so hard and frustrating when we were trying to hold ourselves together as well as dad. I have no advice really, but we just made sympathetic comments to him. I just kept reminding myself that they'd been together from they were 14 and he was scared of how he'd cope after she died. It's an awful situation to be in

OftheTwilighttheDarkness · 29/11/2014 18:42

Cross post, if it is not his normal behaviour try and cut him some slack though. Try and take care of yourself.

PrettyPictures92 · 29/11/2014 18:44

I hope you're ok OP. You wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him to fuck off. I hope you have some better support in place for yourself

ilovesooty · 29/11/2014 18:46

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 29/11/2014 18:58

It isn't out of the ordinary for him, he has atrial flutter which means his heart beats out of rhythm sometimes, he also has fluid around it and it makes him lightheaded. But he has never had a heart attack, and is very over weight eats poorly, and smoked 20 a day up until a few years ago, so I think a lot of him being lightheaded is the fact he hasn't really taken care of himself.

I know he is in bits he has been with her 40 years and he can't bear the thought of being alone, I know. But I arrived this afternoon to just spend a few hours with her alone, holding her hand. He arrived and said lets go outiside, (so leaving her alone, which I don't like as I'm convinced she will die when I'm not there) And I thought he was going to give me some information from the doctor, but no, it was just a run down of what he has felt today, what medication, his sleep pattern and what annoying texts he received whilst he was trying to sleep. I wanted to scream at him! We ended up arguing with me saying I want to be in the room with mum, I understand he is poorly but at the moment mum is my priority. And that I can think about him next week. He then replied "well if I end up in hospital over this don't bother coming to visit me, I don't want you there" lots of shouting and he stormed out. But his car keys are still here so he must be somewhere in the hospice. So now my peaceful few hours with my mum are now not so peaceful. I'm angry with him and so upset and sad for him at the same time.

OP posts:

usualsuspect333 · 29/11/2014 19:08

I think you have to try and let your anger at him go. He's in a bad place too.

So sorry you are going through this.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 29/11/2014 19:08

when I look back to the time I lost one of my parents it was so terrible that nothing and nobody made sense. I am so sorry....it's a dreadful thing to be going through.xxxx

VenusRising · 29/11/2014 19:15

Clear your mind Millie and do what you have to do and say what you have to say to your mum.

She may well have been soaking up your dad for years, and you've never known how much he goes on about himself, so thank her!

I feel for you, my own dad died just before Xmas and it's a hard time.

Most people die when relatives are out of the room, because it's the only chance they have for a bit of peace and quiet and to sort themselves out to leave.
I would say my goodbyes to your mm, and hope that her last few days are pleasant, and try and let her go.

Suefla62 · 29/11/2014 19:23

She may well go when you're out of the room, it's very common. We were at the hospice with Mum, our Dad sat for hours, my sister asked me to take him home and let him rest for a bit and get some food. We drove for no more than ten minutes up the road when she passed.

Dad did the same, my sister had visited him and he was doing well, when she got home six miles away the phone was ringing and he had gone.

It's a very hard time, make sure you take care of yourself. My deepest sympathies.

Andrewofgg · 29/11/2014 19:26

MIL did the same. It's a sort of shit which happens. Hard on you I know. and all the best at this difficult time.

crumblebumblebee · 29/11/2014 19:26

This is such an incredibly painful situation for all of you. I agree that you have to let your anger go, this is just the way he is and this is not the time to tackle it.

I hope you are getting some support from other people.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 29/11/2014 19:34

Millie, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum, she's so young :( Has she been ill for long?

I'm sorry you are arguing with your Dad, you should be supporting each other not fighting. I don't know him so I don't know if he's always a ME ME ME person or if this is just a reaction to the situation with your Mum, but it sounds like it's more the way he is normally - so if it is, just be firm with him. Tell him you know he is hurting too, but that you want to make this time with your Mum as peaceful and calm as you can and for now, your Mum is your focus. Tell him you love him, but right now you are focusing on your Mum. If he strops off, let him be. TRY not to let it overshadow this time with your Mum. Mostly because you need this time to be as calm and loving as it can be, but also because in the long run, if he is allowed to ruin this time for you, you will find it very hard to get past it in the future and you don't need that baggage as well :(

Lots of love & strength.
x

SoonToBeSix · 29/11/2014 20:00

Yes yabu your mum is your dads life long partner give him a break it is very about him.

MammaTJ · 29/11/2014 20:13

Thing is, everyone copes differently, he cannot cope as well as you, cut him some slack!

She is his world.

You are not wrong about not wanting to leave her on her own though, I have seen it time and time again, people slipping away while their family take a much needed break!

I don't know what to say, other than you are all struggling and suffering. Go easy on yourselves and each other.

Fabulous46 · 29/11/2014 20:18

(so leaving her alone, which I don't like as I'm convinced she will die when I'm not there)

I was terrified of this too, but my mum was so dosed up on painkillers she was in a happy peaceful place. I went to the machine to get a coffee and when I came back she was gone. I was literally out the room for 5 minutes. The nurses told me it was really common. It's a really hard time for you all.

Canyouforgiveher · 29/11/2014 20:22

I'm so sorry you are losing your mum. You are not being unreasonable at all to be cross and frustrated at your dad but he probably can't cope any other way.

Could you ask the hospice staff for help in talking to him? They can be very helpful.

With regard to not leaving your mum on her own, I have heard hospice nurses say that sometimes people need to be on their own to die. It would be lovely to be there with her at her exact last moments but all the other moments in her life when you were there count just as much.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 29/11/2014 20:23

Thanks, and chipping you are spot on with that, he is like that and I know I will continue to panda to him for they years to come. I will organise the funeral, meet the funeral directors, sort his house etc and I will do it because I will be stronger, but right now I can't deal with that too and I don't want him overshadowing this time with my mum.

It's even pissed my DH off which is rare, he said if that was you I wouldn't leave your side, you would have to tear me away from you. (I know it's easier to say these things when you are thinking way in the future). But I think I agree, it's sickness and in health isn't it, not health and when you get sick I will leg it because it's too difficult to deal with. What if my sister and I lived far away, would she be on her own?? The other day when I was with mum, holding her hand, changing her pads, wiping her face etc. my dad was at home and rings my DH as he was feeling tight in his chest, so my DH dropped off our DS with MIL, urgently rushed round there and he was sat on the sofa watching Conan the barbarian on his Ipad!! My DH said he seemed absolutely fine. My dad then rings me at hospital and tells me all about how he is feeling, whilst not once asking how mum is.

He has however, cared for her over the last 7 months since she was diagnosed with lung cancer, and I have told him loads that he has been doing a sterling job and I'm very proud of him. It's just this last week when shit has hit the fan, he is being an prize plonker.

He is still AWOL, his car keys are still in the room with me and I have no idea where he has gone.

OP posts:

Stuffofawesome · 29/11/2014 20:24

Is there a family support team there he can offload on and so you don't have to take so much? Or encourage him to talk to nurses. Sorry this is happening to your family

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 29/11/2014 20:24

Of course it is about him, his wife is dying. Possibly he finds it easier to go on about his medication than to face the fact that very soon he'll be living without her.

You really shouldn't be expecting support from him at this stage. I know he is your dad, but he is also the closest to your mum. You know that circles of support in bereavement thing? Imagine relationship circles around your mum. The people on the inside get support from those further out. You support him, and look for people further away from your mum to support you.

I'm not saying YABU though - your mum is in a hospice, reason doesn't come into it at this stage!

MrsDeVere · 29/11/2014 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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