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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my dad it isn't bloody about him!!!

55 replies

Millie3030 · 29/11/2014 18:28

So just had a row with my dad, whilst in the hospice at my mums deathbed. They are both 60, and my mum has a few days to live, been in here for the last week and my dad has pretty much been AWOL leaving my sister and I taking it in shifts looking after mum. He says he isn't coping, and he has a dodgy heart and just keeps saying he has tightness in his chest, has seen the doc and he has given him medication. But it's all about him, it's all he talks about, how he feels, how much sleep he has had, if he is dizzy. And to be frank I think he is being a pussy and needs to fucking suck it up. We are all struggling and I can't deal with him going on and on about himself, for the 1 or 2 hours he manages to sit with my mum. Whilst we do everything else.

I'm being a completely horrible cow I know it, but I only have the energy for my mum at the moment, I can deal with him next week when she isn't here anymore.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/11/2014 20:27

This is a massively upsetting time for all of you. Your Dad isn't coping well. Not everyone does in these situations. I don't think you can expect too much from individuals. And this he should be doing this that and the other won't really help anyone. And it is about him. His wife is dying.

BobbyDazzler1 · 29/11/2014 20:31

So sorry for your pain at this horrible time.
My mum was very seriously ill this year. It was horrid and we'd be sitting at her bed side and she was crying out with pain.
My dad was reacting in an inappropriate way like yours. Wittering on about totally trivial things and demanding my mum concentrate on things that had arisen at home that were bothering him.
Although I could have screamed at him I kind of realised it was totally the stress getting to him. He totally wouldn't let out his anguish in any way, shape or form. We'd all be crying and he was always ' just fine'.
I should imagine your dad's stress is coming out with heart issues. It's no excuse. He should be by your mum's bedside 24/7, but I can kind of see he's malfunctioning in his own way.
I'm not saying this as an excuse for him as you're so needing him to get a grip, but I wonder if he's similar to my dad and really hope that you can work this out
I do understand your stress and pain and I know just how very tough this time is for you xxxx

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 29/11/2014 20:35

for you at this difficult time. Nothing to add really but similar situation here and Dad acting like a fractious toddler. Wishing you strength.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/11/2014 20:40

Millie, I am very sorry you are all going through this. My dear dad died of cancer when I was 11. However, your dad is going through a lot, it does nit sound as though his health is very good. Your mum is the love if his life, his wife for So many years, Mabey he is finding it very hard to cope. Go easy on him.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 30/11/2014 08:35

He came back into the room after 3 hours to say he needed his keys to go to the car to get his tablets. I just carried on as normal, telling him I have brushed mums teeth, and she she wanted a cup of tea. He said he may pop in tomorrow for an hour or so depending on how he feels. Which enrages me, but I just said ok. I'm going in this evening and staying overnight, where my sister will relieve me I the morning, so I can go back to take care of my DS. I know my dad will be at home most of the day, watching telly wallowing. And I know it's his right to grieve how he wants, but it's so frustrating.

You are all right though, I can't expect reason at this stage, if reason was expected, I'm not being reasonable for arguing with my dad in the first place. And I can come home and vent to my DH, who has my dad got? He has always been an argumentative and fiery person, it doesn't take much for him to start shouting. And it's clear he isn't coping as he is crying all the time, well we all are, but we try and keep it together when we are with him, and let him cry. It's not like the films is it?

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 30/11/2014 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tilliebob · 30/11/2014 17:16

Thinking of you OP . My dad is exactly the same, a total emotional cripple. The night his father was desperately ill (dad was warned his dad would probably not last the night - not that he told us that) he came home and...pulled the phone out at the wall! The nursing home then rang me at 4am and we were too late to make it to grandad before he died.

Now he's also ill with COPD and it's even more about him, he'd be exactly the same in your dad's shoes - only he's allowed to be ill!!

ohtheholidays · 30/11/2014 20:55

I'm so sorry for what your all going through.

I went through exactly the same thing in April this year.

My Dad acted far from normal unfortunatley whilst we were all dreading loosing my Mum.My Mum and Dad had been together for 55 years,since my Mum was only a young girl.He didn't react in the way you might expect someone to when they're loosing someone so close to them.
He stayed with my Mum pretty much all the time,but he just talked about himself all the time,about how ill he felt.He actually had Nurses that were supposed to be looking after my poor Mum who was dying running around after him!

My Dad sounds very much like yours,he's always played on being ill,I can remember from a young age my Mum saying he always had to one upmanship that he was feeling worse than everyone else.If my Mum was ill he just couldn't cope and she'd say you watch him do his dying duck act now(that phrase still makes me laugh)and he would she'd be ill and he'd start with the woah is me,I'm so ill nobody cares.

My Dad is ill also but whilst I was just trying to register that my Mum had gone my Dad was saying how he was sure he'd go first and that he could feel his heart giving up just before my Mum passed away.It was a shocking thing to say and to say to your youngest child who also happens to be your only daughter.I was my Mum's best friend and her confidante as well as her daughter.My Mum and Dad didn't always have a great relationship but me and my Mum did.

I've resolved the way my Dad acted at the time.He's never been great at coping with anyone else being ill and he always relied on my Mum to do everything.I think the shock of the fact that he was going to be without her and that he was going to have to cope without her doing everything for them both was just to much for him to process at the time.

He has got better with time.Hopefully your father will be the same.

LilyPapps · 30/11/2014 21:05

You sound great, and I'm sorry you are (both) going through such a terrible time. It sounds to me as though at some level your father is trying to transfer your mother's role (as the one he tells about his symptoms etc) to you - might that be the case? Might it be that however selfish and annoying his behaviour seems, it is part of his grieving - he's realising he will outlive your mother, and trying to situate himself in a world where he is no longer part of a couple?

SallyMcgally · 30/11/2014 21:11

So sorry to hear about your Mum.

Inkspellme · 30/11/2014 21:18

I just wanted to add my sympathy. My mil behaved exactly like this when my fil was dying. we had days of her complaining of feeling unwell. we brought her in a&e in the hospital her dh was ill in. we explained the circumstances and they were very sympathetic. they said it is a very very common reaction of a partner when losing their loved one. in my mil's case it came from sheer terror and upset at the prospect if losing the man who was her best friend for nearly 40 years.

Having said that her behaviour made an awful situation worse but she didn't intend it that way. in fact she genuinely thought she was ill and I don't believe she was in control of her behaviour or capable of being in control of it at that time. The upset was making her ill so in that sense her illness was very real.

My sympathy for you being in this situation and for your impending loss.

LatteLady · 30/11/2014 22:46

I am so sorry to hear how awful things are at the moment. Do go and talk to the staff at the hospice, this is not the first time it has happened.

And now, the most important thing I learnt, there is no right or wrong way to get through a death, all you can do is get through it by whatever means you have.

YouAreBoring · 30/11/2014 23:10

What a sad thread. I feel so sorry for everyone. I'm not suprised you are frustrated with your Dad but I'm sure you did the right thing by letting the argument go. It's good that you have your sister and DH.

Bambambini · 30/11/2014 23:16

Sorry to hear about your mum. We were in the same position a few years ago with my mum (dad also made it all about him at first). Just spend the time with your mum and get as many cuddles as you can. As bad as it was, there was just so much love. It's awful, really awful but it will help knowing you were there for her.

LittleBearPad · 30/11/2014 23:26

I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time

DorisIsALittleBitPartial · 30/11/2014 23:39

Sending my sympathies too Millie
in my situation it was my Sis who turned into a screaming banshee at me at the time. Grief (or the expectation of) does awful things to people. It sounds like your DF is very frightened and the symptoms he is experiencing sound like anxiety attacks, which would be understandable under the circumstances.
Cut him some slack if you can and just spend the best time you can with your DM.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2014 00:56

Could your father be in some sort of denial? Could his over-concern with his own health be a way of denying your mother's condition? That he is the 'really ill' one, not her? Is his trying to drag you away from caring for her his way of telling himself that she isn't as ill as she truly is? The mind does really strange things when confronted with death, it just may be his subconscious way of dealing with (or denying) the fact that he will soon be losing his wife.

As hard as it is, try to be patient with him. Remember that he will still be here when your mum has gone. He will need you.

On a practical note, is there someone who can run interference for you with him? You mentioned about your DH and MiL coming when he called. If they are able to do that, but just deal with him without telling you all about it, that may help you.

WheresMrMonkey · 01/12/2014 04:12

UncleT · 01/12/2014 04:14

No it's not fair, but then none of this is fair on anyone. You sound like you're coping better than him and your frustration is understandable, but there are no rules to this. He's losing his wife of 40 years AND, for whatever reason (does it matter what led to it now?) feels ill, apparently. It's hardly surprising he's not reacting particularly rationally or helpfully, awful as that is to deal with.

TheMaddHugger · 01/12/2014 04:54

((((((((((((((((((((Soft Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

[cuppa]

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 01/12/2014 07:41

Sorry you're all going through such a difficult time

Dawndonnaagain · 01/12/2014 08:27

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful, awful time of it.
I just want to say that it's quite likely that your Dad is just scared. Really, really scared and doesn't know how to deal with it, so by talking about stuff that relates to him, he isn't dealing with what is happening. It's very common and whilst it doesn't make it any better for you, he is just scared, not uncaring, or not dealing, but terrified and dealing badly.

musicalendorphins2 · 01/12/2014 09:44

Millie3030 I am so sorry for all your family is going through.

Purplepixiedust · 01/12/2014 10:05

So sorry you are going through this.

Your dad is struggling to cope and knows you and your sister will be there for your mum. No doubt this is making him feel ill. Try not to be to angry with him. He does need your support. Yanbu to feel upset though. At least you have your sister and so can give each other a break.

The poster who said about the circles around your mum makes a good point. While you are hurting too, you need to support your dad and then your sister and DH can support you.

When my dad died, I felt very much protective of mum who needed my support. My Aunty helped too. My DP and friends were my support.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/12/2014 10:16

Millie I'm so sorry to read what you're going through at the moment. If you're mum is in a hospice, is there a grief counsellor that you could talk to? They can help your family, you, your sister and your dad come to terms with what is happening at the moment and what will happen in the coming days, weeks and months.

If your mum and dad have been together for 40 years that is a massive gaping hole in his life that will gone soon (not trying to dismiss the fact that it's your mother we're talking about) but I'd hazard a guess that he isn't coping well (or even at all) with the prospect of the other side of the bed being empty or the chair in the living room not having her in it to talk to so I think being able to talk this over with a cancer specialist nurse or a grief counsellor would be of massive benefit to you all.

Wishing you all the strength in the world for today and all your tomorrows.

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