To tell my dad it isn't bloody about him!!!

[Millie3030]

So just had a row with my dad, whilst in the hospice at my mums deathbed. They are both 60, and my mum has a few days to live, been in here for the last week and my dad has pretty much been AWOL leaving my sister and I taking it in shifts looking after mum. He says he isn't coping, and he has a dodgy heart and just keeps saying he has tightness in his chest, has seen the doc and he has given him medication. But it's all about him, it's all he talks about, how he feels, how much sleep he has had, if he is dizzy. And to be frank I think he is being a pussy and needs to fucking suck it up. We are all struggling and I can't deal with him going on and on about himself, for the 1 or 2 hours he manages to sit with my mum. Whilst we do everything else.

I'm being a completely horrible cow I know it, but I only have the energy for my mum at the moment, I can deal with him next week when she isn't here anymore.

when someone is seriously ill you have to thionk of a series of concentric circles.the patient on the inner one, partner on the next, then children next, then siblings and close friends etc etc.
The rule is people can 'dump out' to someone on a circle outer to them.But only support can travel from an outer to an inner circle.

From your replies, it looks like this is a bit of a common theme, dads maybe seem to become a bit useless when the shit hits the fan. I'm sure if this was the other way around and my dad was in the hospice I would be begging mum to go home and get some sleep, but I also think she possibly would cope better.

Mum is still with us, although not really conscious anymore. And not eating or drinking at all, so I don't think it will be long.
I took a shepherds pie round to my dads house today on my way to the hospice and me and him are fine now, although I'm sure this will the first of many rows as when stress levels are high we do clash a bit. And we now need to think about organising a funeral, a wake, sorting out mums stuff, decorating the house and then putting it up for sale, as he says he wants to move out ASAP. These things all sound really stressful and expensive and don't think dad has any money for the funeral, so we are going to have to gather up what we can. I have heard they can cost thousands.

Thank you all for your lovely messages and advice, I spoke to the nurse here and said if there is any support any counsellor can give my dad when he comes in please do, and I have made them very aware of him struggling with this.

Just deal with one thing at a time Millie. There may be some kind of grant available if your dad has no money available for a funeral, then you could just top it up (not sure how this works). Don't worry about the house until after thats done. Glad you have seen your dad and are ok with each other. Tempers easily fray in times of stress and worry.

Don't try to do too much at once. Especially the sorting and selling. Unless there's a real reason for him to sell up and move right away, it may be better if he can hold off a few months until everything settles down. He may decided that he doesn't want to sell their house after he's had time to think about it.