Is it my fault that I can't afford to have a child??????

[mikam342]

I'm 36 years old and have not yet had any children though i would really like to I know my time is running out if it hasn’t already.
I earn more than my husband. I pay the mortgage, buy all the food and pay all the bills (my husband contributes a bit). Because the financial running of the house falls on me I don't have much savings.

I first asked my husband about four years ago to try and get some extra work or take on some commissions he could do from home so that he could save some money so that if I did become pregnant he could help pay the mortgage and bills while I’m on maternity. He still hasn’t done anything yet even though I ask him too regularly he always has an excuse for why he hasn’t yet. I'm really angry with him because I feel I can't become pregnant as maternity pay won’t cover my bills let alone my mortgage and currently he couldn’t afford to. Am I right to be mad!! Or is it my fault? Surly as my husband he should try to do everything he can to make it easier for me to have a baby. I feel really let down by him and its starting to affect our relationship. At this point I'm even considering divorcing him.

The way it stands at the moment if I did become pregnant I would only be able to take 4 - 6 weeks off maximum. I worry that if I do this I might not bond with my baby properly is this a legitimate concern or am I being silly?
Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks

It doesn't sound like he wants to have children which is the core of this situation. You haven't mentioned what he wants other than he won't attempt to increase his earnings. Does he want you to get pregnant?

In what ways would you be worse off if you did divorce him? from your post it doesn't sound as if he contributes anything to your life. At 36 you still have a window of opportunity to find someone to have a child with, or to go it alone.

Do you split your money so you each have equal spends each month?

Could you move into a smaller home?

36 isn't impossible, but time is slipping away.

If I was you, I wouldn't be able to live like that.

Why don't you pool your money? It doesn't sound like there is much financial trust between you.

He sounds like a cocklodger...

Could you downsize?
What sort of work does your husband do?

It doesnt sound like he wants children and if you do then this wont work out.
I dont think its right you pay more for him, hes a man and should act like one.
Take some time and think what you really want in life, dont make yourself unhappy to please someone else.

I earn more than my husband. I pay the mortgage, buy all the food and pay all the bills (my husband contributes a bit) what does he pay for?

I dont think its right you pay more for him, hes a man and should act like one.

Try saying that in the feminist board to see what response you get!

How is it your fault? You are responsible and dependable. The only problem is that your OH depends on you to foot all the bills. I'm so sorry but having a baby with this man will bring you nothing but grief. 6 weeks maternity leave is nothing like enough to recover and bond. You would inevitably resent your OH for forcing the decision to go back to work and you would likely be left to cope on your own.

Would he not give up his work to watch the baby? If you earn so much more?

This isn't a financial problem, this is a marriage problem.

How would you sort out other marriage difficulties? Counselling/relate etc?

Do not have children thinking it will resolve itself. It won't.

Plan and action is needed!

Well, in a sense it is your fault, yes.

You chose this man and married him. You have accepted that he does not earn much, and you have been happy to fund whatever it is he does. You have prioritized this man above motherhood. I am sorry that you now think you may have made the wrong choice.

At 36 you may have left it too late to divorce him, find somebody else, and then plan motherhood and save up.

How well you bond with your baby isn't dependent on how much mat leave you have - many women have 6 weeks only and are fine.

The bigger issue seems to be that you do EVERYTHING. Fair enough, someone has to be the higher earner but you are doing all the financial planning, meal planning, future planning etc. You and your DH do not sound like a team. Your priority is to get ready for a baby, his is?

How do you split your finances currently? Is there family money with equal spends or yours and his? Do you save together or separately? And does he work equal hours to you in a less well paid job or is he swanning about like a cocklodger?

Well if you pay mortgage and bills now expect your ft childcare bill to be in the region of 800 PCM depending where you live.

If he doesn't want children perhaps you should consider if you value him more than having a child or vice versa. Then you have a decision to make.

Does your DH actually want a child? You're saying 'me' a lot when you talk about a baby.

Crikey. Read that back, mikam.

My work, my baby, my maternity leave, my bills, my mortgage... are you actually living as a couple? Or together, separately, iyswim.

If you talk to/at him like that it may be a partial explanation of why he hasn't changed at all.

What does he spend his wages on?

Can you not then split the maternity leave so he has the bulk of leave while you return to work. By April you will have the option to do that if you earn more?

Or would you rather you took the full year and he worked?

I went back to work when ds was 10 weeks it is doable

Nomama put it loads better than I did .

You want a baby but who's going to pay your mortgage and your bills if he's not suddenly found a better paid job to cover the shortfall from your earnings while you bond with baby. It doesn't sound like you have a partnership but rather a lodger who you sleep with .

To be fair i knew what he earned when i married him but didn't mind he's a very kind and loving person but i thought he'd do what was necessary to help me when the time came but i was obviously wrong. i think hes immature i also think he lacks any drive which might be why he hasn't done anything.

I truly believe he wants kids "at least one" he's said this ever since we married.

I could downsize but i don't think it would make much difference. If he doesn't take on extra work I'm still going to have to cover the mortgage myself.

"I went back to work when ds was 10 weeks it is doable"

It depends on the baby. If you are up every couple of hours at night with a baby that doesn't sleep I don't see how it can be do-able.

I earn more than DH, so I went back and he stayed home with the baby. Running around with the breast pump was not exactly fun, but otherwise worked fine. DS and I have bonded just fine, I'm still his very favourite person.

BUt as others have said, you seem to have other issues besides finances. What's your DH's solution here? Does he want to have a baby?

I'm not surprised that you're considering divorce. I would, too.

What sort of spouse refuses to increase their income when they quite easily could, at the expense of not being able to have a family?

Cocklodger. Get rid. Be a single Mum if you have to for a bit.