Is it my fault that I can't afford to have a child??????

[mikam342]

I'm 36 years old and have not yet had any children though i would really like to I know my time is running out if it hasn’t already.
I earn more than my husband. I pay the mortgage, buy all the food and pay all the bills (my husband contributes a bit). Because the financial running of the house falls on me I don't have much savings.

I first asked my husband about four years ago to try and get some extra work or take on some commissions he could do from home so that he could save some money so that if I did become pregnant he could help pay the mortgage and bills while I’m on maternity. He still hasn’t done anything yet even though I ask him too regularly he always has an excuse for why he hasn’t yet. I'm really angry with him because I feel I can't become pregnant as maternity pay won’t cover my bills let alone my mortgage and currently he couldn’t afford to. Am I right to be mad!! Or is it my fault? Surly as my husband he should try to do everything he can to make it easier for me to have a baby. I feel really let down by him and its starting to affect our relationship. At this point I'm even considering divorcing him.

The way it stands at the moment if I did become pregnant I would only be able to take 4 - 6 weeks off maximum. I worry that if I do this I might not bond with my baby properly is this a legitimate concern or am I being silly?
Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks

I agree that perhaps he doesn't want Kids

I don't think 36 is very old - plenty of ladies have kids well into their 40s - and I think this is fine - but core issue is does he want kids and if not what is next for you

If he truly wanted kids wouldn't be doing what was necessary to make that happen? ie: doing more to earn more? What happens when you discuss this? Do you say, we won't be able to have kids if you don't pull your finger out? How many hours a week does he work? What does he do around the house?

Would a mortgage 'holiday' be possible. I was a similar age and we didn't have enough savings to cover my maternity but knew it was a bit now or never age wise.
We were able to take a 9month maternity break from the mortgage (obviously this has added to the overall length/cost) and this made my one years maternity leave possible.

What about him being the SAH parent if he earns less?

You work despite being sleep deprived you just crack on and do the best you can. That is what I did but I had no choice other than going on benefits as dh is severely disabled

What does he spend his money on? You're covering the mortgage on your own; surely he doesn't just earn enough to feed himself and nothing more?

I'm not surprised that the OP sees it as her mortgage, her bills etcetera because she's the one responsible for ensuring they're all paid. He only contributes "a bit".

36 is plenty young enough to find someone truly committed to a future with you with children, it really is. I don't think this one is or he'd get his bloody finger out.

Cocklodger of the first order.

so what does his money go on. id tell him he as to pay half to all the bills , i bet he would soon find extra work when he realise how much keeping a house cost

Is this the downside of his and hers finances?

It doesn't sound like an 'us' proposition at all. Though I really do appreciate that could well be OPs frustrations shining through.

You've given him 4 years to get with it and time's against you - cards on the table time I'd say, if you don't start TTC soon time will run out.
If he's happy to SAH, can you trust him to do a good job with the baby? Can you boost your income in anyway soon so that you can afford your own maternity leave? Do his other qualities outway his lack of financial responsibility?

"I first asked my husband about four years ago to try and get some extra work or take on some commissions he could do from home"
Would I be right in thinking that your husband is some sort of artist/musician/writer? Rather than someone stuck in a minimum wage job?

It does sound as if there are no consequences for him in not earning. There is still food on the table, a roof over his head, a woman in his bed. Even if it is her food, her roof her bed. As for "I truly believe he wants kids "at least one" he's said this ever since we married" , maybe the fact that he is "immature" and"lacks any drive" means that he says that without really meaning it/understanding the commitment he was making/because he knows saying that keeps you keeping him .

You still have time to have children, just maybe not with him. But you need to have that discussion. You need to sit down with him, lay the cards on the table; that without him bringing money in, you can't afford to take maternity leave and THERE WILL BE NO CHILDREN. But, that you could still have children if you found yourself a partner who was willing to do his financial share. Ask him - is that what he wants? A childless life being a kept man, or to split?

Greengrow should be along soon to say she went back to work when hers were 2 weeks old, and it's actually quite healthy

If you both actually want a baby, maybe it is time to have the conversation that you intend to start actively TTC as of your next period - and see how he reacts? Call his bluff, as it were. Then you will get a better idea of where you really stand.
If he protests lack of money, agree that as his finding extra work hasn't worked out, you may both need to move out of your house to a smaller place if that doesnt get sorted in the very immediate future, as that is all you can afford as a couple.

Erm... Not generally a good idea to be thinking of having children with someone you are considering divorcing. Why are you with this guy?

YABU for letting this drag on for 4 years - that's a long time to just watch him do nothing.

YANBU though to be upset and disappointed. Me and DH saved up £3,000 before TTC so I could have a year off work, I can't imagine how awful it would be if you were forced to return when the baby is still so young. Even if your DH did the SAHP role I imagine you'd still resent him for getting all the lovely bonding time with the baby whilst you are made to go back to work because he couldn't be bothered to get off his arse and find work to enable him to save some money.

It sounds like a really shitty situation

Have you checked your maternity entitlement at work. I would receive 6 months full pay. Add in my holidays and I'd have a great whack of time off. Check your company policy.

Surly as my husband he should try to do everything he can to make it easier for me to have a baby for this alone you are being completely unreasonable.

You constantly refer to everything, baby included, as being yours. At 36 and having been married for however many years surely you understand that everything isn't all about you right?

It would appear that you've both chosen to live at the very top end of your means and I presume have been doing so for quite a lengthy amount of time if it's been impossible to save any meaningful sum towards a maternity leave. Sounds like poor planning to be honest if a family's always been on the cards.

Can you swap the mortgage over to interest only for a year? There are ways and means but you're coming off as a little petulant and, dare I say, entitled.

Have you checked your tax credit entitlement?
With Ds, I only recieved Maternity Allowance but was able to top up with tax credits. They normally work tax credits out on your previous years income- but i wrote and explained that my income had dropped and requested they calculated it on the current income instead.
I had Maternity Allowance, Tax Credits (Working Tax Credits before the birth- Child tax Credit and Working Tax Credit afterwards) and Child Benefit and that was our main income. DH was working part time and earning very little.
It was tight but doable

I agree with pp that it sounds like the relationship is the problem not the money. Do you resent him and feel you are carrying dead weight?