To think that a 9 year old...

[MadHattersWineParty]

Should be sleeping through the night in their own bed?

I work as a nanny/PA for a woman who is often away on business trips. She's a single parent and has a nine year old daughter, with whom I have a great bond.

When my boss is at home the daughter sleeps in bed with her. Her own room is mainly just her dressing room. The issue is at the moment I'm staying over while her Mum is on business in the US, and she will not sleep unless she's in with me. I am a light sleeper and she's a particularly fidgety one who takes up a lot of space, and besides that I would prefer to have a bed to myself after a long day. She's obviously not a baby but she becomes unsettled when I try to encourage her to sleep in her own room, cries and says she misses her mum. The mum has also specifically asked me to let her sleep in my bed so she's not lonely during the night.

It's been a week now and I'm shattered. I've hardly had any sleep. I am being very patient towards her. I don't want her to be upset. She's absolutely fine during the day, it's only night time when the problems start. I've tried being with her in her own bed until she falls asleep but she will always without fail wake up in the small hours and come looking for me when she finds she's alone. Then she'll have a bit of a cry so we'll have a cuddle and she gets back to sleep but I don't. I have PA duties during the day before I pick her up from school so it's not like I can get any rest then.

Not expecting any magic solutions, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I don't have DC so I guess I want to understand if this is normal, what others would do in this situation. Thanks.

What bemuses me is - did you not think this was beyond bizarre the very first time it happened, even if it was only for one night? You say you've worked with kids before. Did any of their parents insist that you shared your bed with them and the family pets?

Well obviously it isn't up to the nanny to say something - I was pondering the fact that the mum really isn't doing anyone any favours by doing this.

Don't be a mug OP! I can't believe you aren't getting paid for the nights.

You need to address this massive pisstake of a mother ASAP.

She's on to a right good one, PA by day and a free night nanny thrown in.

These things often work out by themselves though, I used to think we'd never get ds out our bed in the mornings but suddenly it stopped when he decided he was too old.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be snippy if it came across that way- I was just musing out loud too

I feel sorry for the child though.

I think a lot of parents probably think whistfully about when it was the norm to snuggle up with their small children, but they get too big for babying! DS (now a big yen year old) would run a mile (mummmmmm, I'm not a baby! Is his favourite phrase these days).

I think the mum seems to be overcompensating for when she is away but also keeping the apron strings too tight. Besides, my Darling son farts like a racehorse, so the red no way I'd want to share a room with him!

God, I am getting so angry on your behalf! The mother sounds appalling, what the hell is she thinking, not paying you but equally saying that you have to share your bed?

Easy for me to say, of course, it's your job, but I would be on the phone tomorrow insisting that either the mother returns or that she makes alternate night time arrangements now. And that she back pays you for the nights you have worked (time-and-a-half, if not double time, I should think). I appreciate you might now want to actually do any of that . But good god!!!!

If I were you I would say to the mum that she either pays for a night nanny from an agency to come in and care for her when she wakes/ sleep train her to stay in bed whilst you sleep, or you should get paid overtime or at least toil for the hours you are awake in the night (settling the girl back into bed which is where she should be sleeping when there is no mum there)!

she's getting upset and taking ages to settle because it works

go all Nanny JoJo on her, say nothing, walk her back, every single time, refuse to engage, just walk her back. say only, bed time now. and go back to your bed.

the mother is a blithering idiot and is actually harming her child's development.

don't put yourself in this position again.

i'd not be able to work for someone who is that bad a parent. it'd give me the rage.

but i'm not a nanny/cm, just a mum. it takes super special people to do your job!

be strong,

she's NOT paying you for the night hours? wtaf?

you email her right now with a revised invoice and a statement that her child won't be sharing your bed again.

you need to get another job love!

Lol at the comments about making children grow up to be wimps. It's only very recently in history we've had this whole separate room thing. Try to see beyond your own little world.
How ever in this case it isn't appropiate or fair on the op and the parent should never have put you in this position .

Oh my, that's a 24/7 job! I couldn't cope with that. I hope you get a proper rest when mum gets back. Perhaps if you claimed back all night disturbances as TOIL the mum would be more willing to fond another solution, if she isn't amiable to changing things after just a discussion that is.

Hold on, you're not getting paid for this? Incredible! You're being taken advantage of.

Channelling Nanny Jo is a good idea! I'm going to try it. She's getting ready for bed now and waterworks are building. She was absolutely fine ten minutes ago.

I stop being paid at 11 and it starts again at 7. At the time this was agreed it was inferred that she'd just be sleeping from around nine and was unlikely to get up as she has her dogs for company, so I wouldn't need to be paid for 'just sleeping' iyswim.

Her old nanny used to co-sleep with her no problem apparently....they're still close and she visits sometimes. The old nanny seems to baby her a lot more than I do.

:)

it'll be hard! don't underestimate her ability to keep it going, but you will win through! you know you will.

you also need to say that you need to be paid for ALL the time she is in your care, you aren't able to go out, or have alife, she's 'bought' your entire life for the duration and YES you are being a dog sitter and house sitter too.

you need to email her today and tell her that the arrangement isn't reasonable as you are offering 24 hour care and would expect to be paid for it.

you can do this lovely! remember, Mumsnet's 24 hours, so if you need us to help, just shout and we'll keep you on track!

This is ridiculous!

You need to:

1. Contact the mother and notify her of the hours you are doing at night.
2. Inform her that you cannot continue, trying to function on this much sleep is impossible and you are unsafe to drive etc unless you get a good sleep.
3. Ask HER to find a solution (e.g. She returns home/finds someone else to do nights/gives you a break during the day so you can sleep/pays you for the night hours you have already done.

It is unbelievable that she's expecting you to co sleep with a 9yo

Personally, I would find it troubling if I found out a childminder was sharing a bed with their charge. I would consider it a possible safeguarding issue. This is an inappropriate relationship between you two full stop.

Even if you don't have ill intentions, you don't want to teach her that sleeping with strange adults or family friends is ok. You are not only putting yourself in a vulnerable position, but also her. What happens when the mom gets a boyfriend and she thinks it's ok to share a bed with him? He could very easily groom her.

But moreover, this is a massive liability for you. If something goes wrong it could end your career or put you in jail. Do not put yourself in that position.

This child needs to sleep in her own bed. It's really heart breaking that she's having a hard time coping, but she cannot sleep with you. If she really has that hard of a time, the mother needs to stop traveling and provide her daughter some stability.

I am really shocked.
She's taking you for a mug. The mother I mean. And the child is ridiculously indulged.

Of course the tears will flow when it's apparent that you mean business. It works for her every time.

Be strong here. It's not unkind , it's the only possible way. Or get another job asap.
I would look for a different job tbh anyway. Talk about exploitation!

I think you should be paid at least a sleeping rate during the night. If something happens after 11, say a fire, are you still responsible for the child- yes, so you should be paid for those hours, even if the child is normally asleep. Ok, that's an extreme situation, but say the catch on child's bedroom window breaks, you would be expected to find a way to keep the wind and rain out. If the child's too young to be left alone, then they're too young to not have a properly employed and paid carer. Don't be taken for a ride.

Would you try and bribe her to stay in her room? If she can show she's grown up and sleep by herself maybe have a friend to over to play or go swimming?
R buy a blow up bed or one of those fold out mattress cushions bed things which don't take up much space and put it in your room for a few days. I'm sure the mother has left you a kitty to use. Email her first if you want.

I can't believe you don't get paid for nights. I am a nanny too and have never worked overnight and not been paid properly. You are not being treated fairly.

This is a massive safeguarding issue.

There are no circumstances where it is considered acceptable for a non related adult to share a bed with a minor.
On residential trips/cub camps etc the adults are not even in the same room.

As an employee, you should not do this.

I think you are in a difficult position as you agreed to it before mum left and changing it is her job not yours. But you need her support to say no. Otherwise she will blame you if she gets home and her dd is unhappy.

If you decide to change before she returns, then you need the broken record version ''dd, you have to sleep in your bed not mine'' repeat once, then no further interaction and return her to her bed every single time.
She needs to start in her bed, with you in the room but not in her bed.

She is very likely to throw a massive tantrum in the middle of the night. If you give in at that point, then it will be much harder the second time, so I would suggest that you make the choice before bedtime if you want to go through with it, and if you do, then stick to your guns. She has learned that kicking up a fuss in the night works, so she will try it on.

What mum does is up to her, but this is way outside of acceptable or normal practice for an employee. If you stick it out til mum comes back, you need a serious talk before she goes again, and her reassurance that she will back you if you say no and dd kicks off massively. You need a new house rule, no bedshares except with mum.

Thanks for all the posts and suggestions and big thanks to Hissy, that was very supportive. I did come over a bit Jo Frost at bedtime mindful that the Apprentice was coming on and was quite brisk with her. She had a kindle, a nightlight, the dogs and I explained that she wasn't to get out of bed as I wasn't having it tonight, if she did she'd get a quick hug but be taken straight back again. Anyway when I went back to check on her after half an hour she was spark out. I've just gone to bed myself so we'll see what happens in the small hours but I'm going to be firm.

Now if only I could have a glass of wine!

I also emailed the mum. She just said we can discuss when she's back.

I have never had one of our dc in our bed, ever.
It's my bed, well mine and dh, they can't even come in our room without permission.
Bloody hell you need to be able to go somewhere

Nothing to stop you having a glass of wine at all!

I didn't see you on our Apprentice Thread? Were you there? If not, join us next week it's a lot of fun!

You definitely need to speak to the mother. Apart from the bed sharing stuff, she HAS to pay you overnight. You are there, you are working. If you are not working you are free to go out and do as you please.... She's taking you for a mug, don't stand for it. Have an overnight rate in mind and stick to it (I'd settle for no less than £50 if I were you).

I didn't know there was an Apprentice thread! That's brilliant! So, (and hopefully I deserve it) I did pilfer a bottle of red from the rack as I know I can replace it from Tesco before she's back and poured a hefty glass. Definitely going to have a chat when the mum returns. I suppose I was worried she'd just let me go if I complained but actually I don't think so. Her daughter gets on with me, I've never been late or had a sick day and I've always been flexible. Maybe too flexible in hindsight!