To think that anyone who has Dc's with a Dp without getting married doesn't realise how precarious their situation is ?

[kittensinmydinner]

Just that really. Have just spent 6 months supporting best friend after her 'd' p met and left her for OW and 'soul mate' in May. leaving her with 5 dcs. He married in September despite not believing it when bf wanted to. She is entitled to nothing except maintenance (which wouldn't come close to paying the mortgage). She has been SAHM for 19 yrs and supported his carreer trajectory as a very big earner but is not entitled to anything in the way of pension or property. So aibu in thinking that primary carers who give up work or reduce their income to look after dcs do so without being aware exactly how vulnerable they are financially. (unless of course they have their own private income . )

Why does the man have power to earn?
I agree that the ideal isn't always realistic in actual circumstances but why are women looking to men to provide. Why are groups of women growing up fundamentally unable to work

MoreSnow, yes, the children would inherit and it would be placed in trust for them. You wouldn't be able to use any of the money to raise the children.

moresnow

You need to:

Make wills that leave everything to each other.

Make sure you are named as the beneficiary on all his pensions, death-in-service, anything like that.

Have your name on the house, regardless as to whether you are earning and paying the mortgage or not.

Pay into a personal pension, the same amount he is paying into his company one.

Any savings to be split equally and put into accounts in your own names.

Can't think of more off the top of my head but those are the main ones.

I wasn't looking for that stealth I was looking for somebody who would acknowledge that I had a right to continue with my career but I was bullied in to resigning on the grounds that my salary didn't outweigh childcare+travel.

To me what's shocking is that there are "groups of women" who just don't get it, just don't get how easy it is for women to find themselves backed in to a corner, because it's not for one reason that you end up backed in to a corner.... it's a combination of low earning potential, no savings, no power in the relationship, no family to back you up or support you, no choices........... so many women just have no comprehension of how hard it can be.

A significant benefit of marriage, relevant especially if you live anywhere where house prices have boomed ridiculously is that there is no tax to pay on inheritance between the partners in a marriage.

If you are not married, and spouse dies, even if their share is left to you, you pay inheritance tax on everything over £320k. May sound a lot, but the crazy house price story has made that an issue for lots of people.

Formerly unmarried on principle, now married. But i did pick a different chap.

NFL I'm sorry if I've upset you. I'm not talking about women here and now. I'm talking about how it's got to this. YOU say yourself " low earning potential, no savings, no power in the relationship" - what I'm asking is why?
And why on threads like this, and indeed the thread about child benefit, is it assumed the man significantly out earns the woman

Well for me it was low self worth, i got in to a relationship with a man who took more than he gave.

If id earned as much as the man at the next dsk that would have helped a bit too.

Luckily i got out but i have a lot of sympathy. The reasons women end up in that situation are many and are interlinked

Yes but why is it women who bed up in these situations? And I'm not blaming women, I blame men

End not bed
iPad problems

Seems like it would be great thing if Mumsnet could facilitate a web chat with a family lawyer and a financial planner so people can ask their questions and get some solid facts so they can look at their situations and see whether they need to do anything.

Exactly more. Where does it all go wromg

I see it all now, the importancce of financial independence and not sellng yourself short..... 100% get it.

But i didnt have all this wisdom two decades ago

Are you in a better situation if you marry if you are the main earner?

I know NFL. BUT men get it. Or fall into the right path. I wish I understood

Thank you everyone, sorry for not coming back earlier. (dc with the winter vomit virus ). I appreciate all your replies. This has been quite a roller coaster ride for bf as (just as previous posters have suggested) this situation hasnt happened overnight . When they first got together they both worked ft in fairly low paid jobs and he had a house left to him by gp's with no mortgage, he lived in it before they met. Then slowly over the years he has received promotions and dcs arrived, because of lack of mortgage they could afford for her to stay home because a) her wage didn't cover childcare for two b) she wanted to. The house was sold for a bigger one but as the first one was in his name solely, this just continued. She admits she has not been smart and just assumed that with 5 dcs and 20yrs together that they would be together for life. As far as maintenance goes, yes she does get about 1500 gbp a month but this is only by chance/guilt as ex-dp has moved to dubai as his business has branches there also. I am not sure if she could persue maintenance if he decided not to pay. Perhaps mnetters with experience could give some advice on this point as bf would like to know how secure this is. Finally on the property issue, ex dp out of the 'goodness of his heart ' has agreed she can live in his house until youngest leaves home/to uni after which she will need somewhere else to live Its all very sad and despite marriage not being able to prevent a cheating bastard from being a cheating bastard, it would have put her in a much better position and secured her future, wheras now she is facing moving to a one bed rented flat from a 6 bedroom detached house she has spent 15 yrs making a home, because her partner got the hots for someone else which seems to bvvu.

Unmarried on principle. Have DCs

YABU. I am not in a remotely precarious position. I am in an excellent position.

Your title is all wrong.

kitten that is terrible. Your friend would be better off leaving all five kids with him and his new wife and living in a studio flat somewhere and working her way back up the greasy pole.

We looked into various legal options shortly after our children were born and in the end decided that it was much simpler to get married.

I'm pretty sure that mortgage lenders only allow those who are named on the mortgage documents to be listed as owners of a property, so it's not possible to add names to deeds, unless the property is owned outright.

My dp and I were in complete agreement about what was the best thing to do for the future of the family we had created.

When we first decided to get married our financial contributions were almost equal and remained that way for some years. Recently things have changed and it's good to have the security of knowing that should anything happen to either of us, our family will be protected.

I have heard so many horror stories of couples of who have been together for decades and one dies, and the other is left with no home or assets.

Your poor friend - that's such a crap situation. I hope she will be ok. Some people are just shits.