To think that anyone who has Dc's with a Dp without getting married doesn't realise how precarious their situation is ?

[kittensinmydinner]

Just that really. Have just spent 6 months supporting best friend after her 'd' p met and left her for OW and 'soul mate' in May. leaving her with 5 dcs. He married in September despite not believing it when bf wanted to. She is entitled to nothing except maintenance (which wouldn't come close to paying the mortgage). She has been SAHM for 19 yrs and supported his carreer trajectory as a very big earner but is not entitled to anything in the way of pension or property. So aibu in thinking that primary carers who give up work or reduce their income to look after dcs do so without being aware exactly how vulnerable they are financially. (unless of course they have their own private income . )

it's the double whammy of not being married and not being financially independent that's left her in this pickle. Personally, it's the not being financially independent that I can never understand, it leaves you extremely vulnerable.

MoreSnow you should probably go back to work as soon as possible and start a savings account. In your own name.

I was always capable of working and supporting myself despite having children out of wedlock

Other scenarios are that women go PT after DC and/or do other things that affect earning potential, eg not working as much overtime, less travel, taking on less challenging work, not seeking job moves or promotions. I don't know many couples with equal earnings and similar levels of "career damage" IYSWIM after DC and by far the most often it's the women who (if without marriage or other legal and financial protection) are most vulnerable.

Well we aren't married but have sorted the legal side as much as possible with will, life insurance, pensions, mortgage etc. We are not stupid and realised we didn't have the same legal prprotection so took steps to address that.

As it is after 17 years and 5 children we are going to get married because we want to celebrate, hey ho I will still keep my name, the madthings will still be double barreled though we will have to re register them to 'de bastardise' them, got to love archaic laws

YANBU. I've spent most of my working life (in the financial services industry) trying to get single women with DPs to appreciate this very point. A scary number still don't. The phrase "common law marriage" is meaningless and while you might get something if your DP dies, you cannot count on it UNLESS you put the paperwork in place when he was alive.

Don't forget if there's still a legal spouse in the background, she'll take priority over you - now matter how long ago he left her.

years ago, when I was just living with my x (not married) because we had a child, for some reason I had to sign something to say that the house couldn't be sold without my consent. He had the house up for sale recently and then took it off the market. I'm wondering if it's because he would still require my signature to sell it? even though we haven't lived to gether for years.

Being unmarried doesn't automatically make you stupid and not capable of sorting your financial affairs out.

YANBU. Some people just don't get that marriage is a set of legal protections, they think it's a dress and a party. Fools.

To all the 'I earn fine, thanks' people: what happens if you stop earning? Marriage is not the same thing as a wedding. You don't need to change your name or even tell anyone. Just get protected.

And, yep, make a will tonight if you don't already have one.

I think your title should read that people who have children and don't sort their finances out don't realise how precarious their situation is.

To me marriage means nothing but I am financially independent.

I know of several people who have been married and still got screwed over.

Not being financially independent makes you vulnerable whether you're married or not. Spousal maintenance isn't guaranteed & the wage goes with the person who earns it, married or not. Good luck to your friend though as that's a horrible position to be in.

I don't want to get married. You would still have to earn your own money if your husband left you.

my situation wasn't that I was stupid, the dependency and the inequality crept up on me gradually and due to low self-esteem i accepted it. nothing to do with stupidity and everything to do with a low self-worth. that's what i think now looking back.

also, my x was determined not to marry me!! he wanted all the benefits of a family life without any of the risk so it didn't matter what I said. He knew, he understood, he just didn't want to take any risk..........

usualsuspect good for you that you could work and support yourself but I couldn't have earned enough to cover childcare, rent/mortgage, bills, food, travel.................. my salary would have paid for about two thirds of all of the money I needed. More money would have given me more power certainly. More power would have given me a better self-worth.

Cross posts Norks - unfortunately I have a few friends who were completely screwed following divorce due to lack of financial independence.

I could never be financially dependent on a man - married or not.

I need to know that I am self-sufficient and can provide for myself and DCs if need be.

I think it is crazy for women to just stay as sahm and not bother with a career or education. the simple fact is you can never tell what will happen in the future and really is it wise to depend that fully on another person?

I think being a SAHM is what makes a situation precarious - being financially dependent is not a good situation to be in.

clawhandsifyoubelieveinfreaks you're right, I work with a woman my age, three children (more than I have) and she and her partner live in a council property so I don't thinks she's vulnerable.

" To all the 'I earn fine, thanks' people: what happens if you stop earning? Marriage is not the same thing as a wedding. You don't need to change your name or even tell anyone. Just get protected. "
But surely the man could stop earning too
I see a lot of this on mn, the assumption that the woman is a sahm or has a little part time job which doesn't actually pay the bills

Yep, anyone who gives up their financial independence and facilitates their partner being the main earner (man or woman) without the protection of marriage is nuts.

No offence but a lot of people don't understand the real issues. Coming out with statements such as "I think it is crazy for women to just stay as sahm and not bother with a career or education..." that is an ideal, a principle, and it's not necessarily something that a woman with no power (power to earn, power in a relationship) can insist on. I knew what was happening to me, but I felt powerless to change anything. I couldn't magically increase my earning potential so that it outweighed childcare, I couldn't make my x worry about my future!

Anyway, I'm one of the lucky ones. I copped on and left when I was young enough to rebuild a life. It wasn't easy but I'm so glad I'm not still there, depending on his mercy.

But mostly it's the woman who goes pt / stops earning

That was the only power I had I guess, the power to reject the whole set up.