To think it shouldn't matter why DS is vegan?

[WittyUsername102]

DS was at his friend's house the other day, this is the first time he has eaten there. I called the parents to let them know that DS was vegan, and they said they would make sure he didn't eat any milk/eggs/meat etc.

DS came home feeling unwell, and covered in a rash, which is what happens when he has milk. Long story short, the mother told me she thought it would be a nice treat for him (ice cream), and she of course wouldn't have done it if she knew he had an allergy. She had told DS it was dairy free ice cream.

AIBU to think that she was rude to actively go against my wishes, and that it shouldn't matter why DS is vegan?

I feel like if you cater for someone, you should respect their dietary wishes, whether they are for health, religious or ethical reasons, or nay other reasons.

YANBU. What did you say to the "hope you don't mind" comment?

Wow how rude...

The lack of vitamins and minerals for veggies and vegans is more a myth than anything these days. Yes, it can be more difficult to achieve a well balanced diet with a range of vitamins and minerals, especially those that come from meat, but it's not that difficult, it just requires careful planning.

Doctors told me that I was iron deficient for years, even though I was last checked as a teen. Earlier this year I had full bloods done and the only thing I was lacking was vitamin D, the main source of it being sunlight.

I've had it worse with the trickery as an adult I think, and worse with the 'convincing'. I've had a few people literally shoving meat into my face before as a young adult. Then the whole "Oh, it's vegetarian stock/gravy/etc." and the general ignorance. I went to a restaurant a few weeks back and with my vegetarian meal I got served meat gravy. Luckily they hadn't poured it over for me.
I'm gluten free as well, which people cannot get their head around because I'm not coeliac, it just fucks with my fibro so I avoid it unless I give into the urge and then regret it.

And what if his allergy had gotten worse and he'd gone into anaphylaxis? I'd be having serious words, she could have killed him.

Think you are both unreasonable,but u more so for not explaining ur ds has an allergy. If you'd told her he was allergic to dairy she, presumably, wouldn't have served him dairy. so mainly, you are at fault.

She was also but given that you know people can be like that I don't understand why you'd put your d's at risk by omitting to pass on a?leggy dtls.

Yanbu, and actually the allergy makes it easier for people to say this but even without the allwrgy you are not being unreasonable. I hate the way some people think they can improve on a parent's preferences and give children a 'treat' they wouldn't get at home, especially when it involves lying to and tricking children. My MIL has always been like that and it drove a wedge between us.

It is breathtakingly arrogant for a parent to overule the wishes, and parenting policies, of another child's parents, without a thought for any short/long term consequences of their actions.

I think people will - consciously or not - prioritise allergies and intolerances over lifestyle/ethical choices. I suppose it's to do with visibility and accountability - ignoring requests relating to allergies/intolerances are likely to have a negative, possibly dangerous, visible physiological consequence, whereas ignoring requests relating to a vegan/vegetarian diet could have gone unnoticed.

So unfortunately, I think it is important to mention your son's issue with milk, as well as his vegan diet.

OP what did you say to her?

My ds had terrible eczema and milk really used to cause problems. A relative used to give him chocolate, milk and ice cream as treats. I was vegetarian and they used to serve me potatoes cooked with meat and meat gravy.

I send cakes or treats if ds goes for tea. If he is avoiding dairy, I make sure it's dairy free.

Just to make it clear again, DS's allergy is on the mild side, he does not have or need an epipen. A rash that lasts for up to a week, and feeling unwell. before we were aware of exactly what was causing his rashes, he had some form of milk at least a few times a week. I am upset that he had dairy, but this is more about the fact that someone actively went against my wishes, and lied to him. (His rash, I think will be gone by this afternoon).

saoirse31 - So I am unreasonable to expect other parents to feed my DS/other DC according to my wishes (after saying they have no problem catering for them)?

In the 15-ish years my DC have been eating at their friend's houses, I have never had this problem before. I feel so awful for all of you have had experienced this many times, especially when the allergy is so serious. I think I will have to mention from now on that he is allergic to dairy too.

In reply to the mother I told her that I was very upset at what she had done, that DS was feeling unwell and that he wouldn't be eating there anymore.

That's awful. If you've told someone that he's vegan they should respect it, end of story! You shouldn't have to justify it.

Was the ice cream dairy free, but not lactose free.

My niece is lactose intolerance, so when I had her the 1 day went out and bought dairy free without checking if it was lactose free. Poor DN was very ill that night and I couldn't stop apologising.

Now I triple check before having her by asking sil to check what I bought and putting a sticker on it so I can't make a mistake.

YANBU in expecting people to comply with dietary requirements and not try and undermine them. However, given that your ds is allergic to dairy products, I'd have mentioned this and suggest it might be an idea to do so in future.

How do you have something dairy free that contains lactose

lactose is a milk product ergo it wasn't dairy free

Blimey.

The ignorance and arrogance of some people.

Was she apologetic?

What did she say when you told her he was allergic and was now unwell?

I just can't believe someone would do that...

I would have been furious with her. Even if he wasn't allergic to milk he would probably be lactose intolerant if he doesn't normally have dairy. It was never going to be a "nice treat". I think that you should mention your son's allergy in future to be rather than just saying he's vegan as whether or not it should make a difference, it clearly does to some people.