To think it shouldn't matter why DS is vegan?

[WittyUsername102]

DS was at his friend's house the other day, this is the first time he has eaten there. I called the parents to let them know that DS was vegan, and they said they would make sure he didn't eat any milk/eggs/meat etc.

DS came home feeling unwell, and covered in a rash, which is what happens when he has milk. Long story short, the mother told me she thought it would be a nice treat for him (ice cream), and she of course wouldn't have done it if she knew he had an allergy. She had told DS it was dairy free ice cream.

AIBU to think that she was rude to actively go against my wishes, and that it shouldn't matter why DS is vegan?

I feel like if you cater for someone, you should respect their dietary wishes, whether they are for health, religious or ethical reasons, or nay other reasons.

Tbh if you are upset enough about it to stop your DS visiting then you should be much clearer about what he can and can't eat, down to individual items. DP is allergic to dairy and even eating tangy haribo brings him out in a rash. Most people wouldn't even think about checking haribo ingredients or realise tangy ones are different from regular, from an allergy perspective. I don't think ice-cream-gate mum was deliberately trying to make your DS ill.

if this is the first time milk has given this reaction you need to get medical advice ASAP. You need a immunologist to determine if an allergy is something to ignore or not. I speak as the parent of children with similar allergies.
you can not judge that an allergy is mild based just on previous reactions.

what child brought up doesnt know that ice cream contains milk? certainly would notice if they ate it as its vastly different in flavour from other non milk ice creams.

Wow, what an absolute bitch

Can't believe how smug she was, thinking she was clever tricking him into icecream. No doubt assumed she was enriching his childhood because she knows best.

Ooh I'd piss on her doorstep.

what parent would consider a food preference is the most important information to pass on rather than a medical food issue?

Perhaps the type of parent who knows damn well that there are huge huge volumes of nasty gits who like to feel all superior about allergies and would intentionally feed someone the allergen in order to 'prove' it was nonsense.

To be honest I would be furious.

However as people are very judgemental and will think you are depriving child for your principals ( thenot all obviously but some) you need to mention the allergies.

In one sense yes it does matter. I think people would be more vigilant if they knew it was allergy based.

then said parent, NeedsAsockamanesty would not let her child eat with someone they dont trust.

Believe me, when your child has a life threatening allergy or an allergy that has the potential to be life threatening, you dont take that risk with someone who may even dream of thinking that way. Even if allergy would cause a few days of severe pain, regular taking of strong antihistamines and all body eczema or gut pain at its least reaction, you dont risk your child's health in that way.

in the past, people I thought were friends have tried to give me alcohol in my coke... thinking it was funny.
They had all been told that I would have an allergic reaction.

the rash and feeling ill for days was hilarious, obviously :-\ I'm just humour-challenged.

Just identifying with the OP's son... poor kid

YANBU generally, especially if your DH is allergic to something. I would never knowingly feed a child something the parents had asked me not to give them.

Veganism is very extreme though, and not healthy and I don't think it is right to put your child's health at risk just because of your ethical views. Young bones need calcium. Growing bodies need iron and vitamins E and A and you can't obtain enough of those easily from a vegan diet.
He'll have enough time in his life to decide from himself what is right and wrong to eat - you as a parent have a duty to ensure he gets the nutrients to develop and grow normally.

Veganism is very extreme though, and not healthy

No it isn't.

Calcium is in vegetable sources, you need to know where to look. I don't think the OP has stated why her child is vegan, but he's had an allergic reaction to milk (or something in the ice cream, so dairy based).

I suspect I'll get lectured as me and my DD are both vegetarian - she has been so since birth.

being vegan can be a very healthy diet if done correctly.

3 out of my 4 kids would have the choice to be vegan. of course one of my children would be pretty ill if he was a vegan due to his long list of allergies.

Yanbu.

I was shocked when someone I know said that they don't worry if there's gelatin in something when they have a child round who is Muslim.

If someone doesn't agree with someone's diet or doesn't want to cater for iy,they could at leadt be up front.

I'm boggling at the very idea of another mother undermining you in such a way

there is a lot of people who want to 'prove' that other people who say their DCs have allergies are just controlling, or that anyone who has a dietary requirement for their DCs are wrong in raising their DCs that way and trying to undermine it.

If you don't want to cater, then say so. Have the fucking courage of your convictions.

I wouldn't have anything to do with that family again and make sure other parents at the school know what happened, she can't be trusted with other people's DCs.

upduffedsecret - I am sorry your friends did that to you. DS's is not as bad as that, he only feels ill for the day following eating it, but the rash takes a while to go away.

Karoleann - this thread is not really the time or place to discuss the ethics or healthiest of veganism. But, I personally feel healthiest eating vegan. It is perfectly possible to get everything you need on a vegan diet (very easily in this day and age with fortified foods and vitamins, etc). And of all vitamins, those are not the ones that are particularly hard on a vegan diet, the major problem is B12. We are all vegetarian anyway, but DS is allergic to milk and hates eggs, hence he is vegan.

If a mother said to me that their child was vegan then I would make sure that that that is how they ate. If short on time to research properly would ask for help with what to cook rather than get it wrong

My DD doesn't eat meat or fish (not a true vegetarian as gelatine etc is not an issue) and when she was younger my mum was always tying to catch her out. Mum is foreign and would cook things and call them by the foreign name so my daughter didn't know it had meat in it.

They do it to adults as well mary

i'd be furious.

She behaved appallingly but I do think that you need to be clear to any caregiver that your DS will have serious medical consequences if he eats dairy, because that might get more careful compliance and attention to cross contamination risks. Lots of ethical vegans are fairly relaxed about low level cross contamination which you can't afford to be.

OP I'm sorry your DS had to go through that. I am veggie as my body has a certain protein deficiency meaning I can't digest meat and fish proteins. Now that I'm old enough to explain that to people when I can be bothered they are generally pretty good about it and check EVERYTHING is OK for me before serving, but as a kid I remember so many people trying the tactic of "just give her meat" trying to change me as others have said. The worst being one Christmas when my uncles decided you can't be "allergic" to meat and that I only needed to eat it once and I'd be "cured"... Giving an 8/9yo me sausage stuffing saying it was veggie, and resulting in me being vilantly ill for the next 3days! Let's just say they never did it again, but even now 20yrs on people who know I can't eat it still ask me if I just want to try a bit... sigh

To be honest there's part of me that would be a tiny bit judgy about a vegan child under 10ish. And I say that as a veggie of 3 decades. However there's no way I would 'tempt' them into submission. If I was judging then I'd ask the parents.
I have a mild allergy to a common foodstuff that doesn't render me properly ill but can result in me having to have a day or two off work and I have had people think I'm attention seeking over it.

YADNBU! This would really piss me off.

I grew up vegetarian by my own choice and I have numerous horrible memories of being served meat at friends houses by their parents who knew I was veggie but thought it would be a 'nice treat' for me to have a burger, or whatever. I ate it, because it was polite but I still remember how much I loathed it! And I didn't even have an allergy.

Unfortunately, this is what people are like. You have to really not trust anyone.

dd now aged 22 has had a similar reaction to cows milk and a lot of other foods since birth, not life threatening but horrible, even traces can result in a painful weepy eczema rash on her face from ear to ear that can take 6 to 8 weeks to clear up, be a site of likely infection, cause broken sleep, anxiety over appearance etc.

When she was younger and doing playdates I'd explain how serious it was and ask specifically that she had absolutely nothing aside from easily sourced items on a list I'd provide about a week before the playdate and I'd also say if it was inconvenient I'd happily provide those foods on the day for her as well. Parties, I'd have her take her own packed food and tell the hostess specifically that she was to have absolutely nothing else to eat or drink.

It was a waste of my breath. The amount of times I heard those mothers say "It's only a few crisps" "It's only sweets" "Well she really liked it" and other senseless phrases when they'd given her things after I'd explained why it was essential they didn't, exasperated me beyond belief.
I did lose it with one moron at her dd's party and shout snap " I've told you she must have no other items apart from the ones she brings, what part of the word no are you too stupid to understand?"

As they get older it can be the same in restaurants. You'll probably be okay if he can have a Vegan option, often for dd there are other allergens in that so if we can't give prior notice, we ask for something to be served plain, e.g. a piece of melon for a starter. I have lost count of the "plain" pieces of melon that I've requested arriving at the table with garnish and covered in jus or coulis. Same with "only green salad please, lettuce and cucumber will be fine and no dressing" and it arrives with a dressing glistening on it, garnished with tomatoes, peppers and a million other things she reacts to.
"Plain green vegetable please, no butter or sauce" arrives shining or in a cheese sauce... AAAARRRGGGHH

I'm very sorry not to have a 'don't worry, other people aren't like that stupid woman' story for you because 9 times out of 10 over the last 22 years, I've found that they are

She was wrong. Very wrong

I cannot understand forcing a food on a child when the parent has said he shouldn't eat that food - for whatever reason.

But if my child had an allergy to a food I would tell people who were about to feed him that he had that allergy. Does your DS have an epipen? That is another thing I would have told the hosting parent. What would have happened if he had an acute reaction? I would have been devastated if I had served a child with an allergy inadvertently (using same spoon or something) because the parent didn't warn me that it was more than a choice it was an allergy.

She was definitely wrong. But...yes, I do think it would be helpful to say it is an allergy.

When I am hosting a vegan (she has no allergies) amongst my guests, the food on her plate will be definitely vegan, what is on the table may include some items that are only vegetarian, although I will be clear which are which. If someone is allergic to an item, it will not be on the table. If they are anaphylactic to it, I'll be making damn sure it isn't anywhere in the room (probably house). But, obviously, only if I know.

While it is important to let people know about allergies, it's still really fucking stupid to give a child dairy if they don't eat it. Even if he wasn't he could have had horrible diarrhea because his system wasn't used to digesting that.

New foods need to introduced gradually. She should have learned that when she was weaning her baby on solids.

Silly woman. People love the idea of getting one over veggies and vegans. Thats what it was, you know 'see he likes icecream'kinda stuff

It could have been less malicious in a more "Poor thing, he's never had ice cream, he's so deprived". Even so, still shouldn't have done it.

In any case, while you shouldn't have to account for idiots like this, it would be in your son's best interests and safety to let people know what he's allergic to so they know there are actually serious consequences beyond you being angry if he eats something he shouldn't.