To think it shouldn't matter why DS is vegan?

[WittyUsername102]

DS was at his friend's house the other day, this is the first time he has eaten there. I called the parents to let them know that DS was vegan, and they said they would make sure he didn't eat any milk/eggs/meat etc.

DS came home feeling unwell, and covered in a rash, which is what happens when he has milk. Long story short, the mother told me she thought it would be a nice treat for him (ice cream), and she of course wouldn't have done it if she knew he had an allergy. She had told DS it was dairy free ice cream.

AIBU to think that she was rude to actively go against my wishes, and that it shouldn't matter why DS is vegan?

I feel like if you cater for someone, you should respect their dietary wishes, whether they are for health, religious or ethical reasons, or nay other reasons.

It is not a severe allergy (thankfully), DS will be perfectly fine by about Tuesday or Wednesday, it is the rash that takes a while to go away.

I do hate the whole idea of tricking veggie/vegan people, especially kids, into eating foods they shouldn't. This has never happened to us before (as far as I know), but glad to to know I am not unreasonable. DS won't be eating there again, at least not until he is older and more aware of his eating.

Some people really are stupid!

While what she did was completely unacceptable, it probably is worth mentioning allergies too as people may be more vigilant about cross contamination.

I would be careful for moral/religious dietary requirements and use different utensils etc. But I would take it to another level for an allergy - check every item I intended to serve with the parents, who are the experts.

I agree with Pico2. This woman was just ignorant and stupid. However, you should have mentioned the fact that your son had a dairy allergy, so for this reason I think it does matter why he is vegan.

You have to take into account that some people are just plain stupid or that there might be a risk of cross contamination foodwise, especially at a party.

If I had been told a guest was vegan I would have absolutely made sure that they wouldn't have any non vegan food, however I would have appreciated the heads up on the allergy especially at a children's party. It's just common sense.

Hmm. I agree YANBU she should have fed him a 100% vegan meal but I think the other mum may have genuinely thought this wouldn't be a massive issue and I don't think she is necessarily being as evil as some other posters believe. Also I think you should have mentioned allergies as for many people veganism is just a preference and they are not super strict.

But I do think you should tell someone that something is an allergy

Why? The mother had already been told he was vegan. This thread is about the OP thinking it shouldn't matter why...just that it be respected. If she'd have stuck to that then there would have been no issue.

But the allergy isn't life threatening so maybe the op didn't want to bother the mum or make her worry unnecessarily and panic when.in reality just sticking to vegan food he would have been fine and there was no need for extreme measures.

veganism is just a preference and they are not super strict.

If they're not super strict, then they're not vegans. There's no such thing as part time vegans/vegetarians. I've met people before that say "oh! I'm practically a vegan too. I only eat fish/cheese/bacon now and again" Then you're not a fecking vegan!

Firstly, did she definitely serve him non-vegan ice cream and has she confirmed this? Don't assume, check it out to be sure he isn't reacting to something else.

Secondly, no way should she have fed your son dairy (if she did)

Thirdly, you should definitely say why he is vegan next time- people are stupid and you need to protect your son.

what parent would consider a food preference is the most important information to pass on rather than a medical food issue?

The reaction sounds like an ige reaction, an classic food allergy rather than an intolerance. (and btw folks, nuts arent the only food that has the potential to kill)

Even if you eat in a vegan/veggie restaurant with milk and egg allergies you have to double check the meal choice as many get caught out eating so called 'vegan' meals.

Everyday people who dont have to read labels have no idea of the contents of most foods. so this was a risk to say the least.

VERY AIBU in my view.

I would be hopping mad about that too. And I agree with previous posters about the 'getting one over on the vegan' stance some fools take.

I know it's annoying, but I wonder if you would be best off saying that your son was vegan AND that dairy would give him a nasty rash? When I hear 'vegan' I think animal products would not be eaten because of personal beliefs. When I hear 'allergy/ intolerance' I think there is a physical necessity to avoid a certain food.

If you are having to trust others to feed your son I would cover all bases to avoid them doing such stupid things as giving your son dairy as a 'treat'. It's bloody annoying though.

"Why? The mother had already been told he was vegan."

Because a responsible adult would have taken extra care to make sure the child wouldn't eat or touch any non vegan food. This was a children's party.

It's disrespectful and dishonest to ignore a request whether it's a preference or an allergy. The host should have been honest if she was unable to comply with the request, regardless of the reason behind it.
Presumably because it's uncomfortable rather than life threatening is why the OP didn't state the reason for the request but really it's disrespectful of the host to ignore it rather than admit to having no intention to comply.

Exactly. Which is why I would make it clear to another parent who was to feed my child what they couldn't eat and why.

It seems such an odd thing to do that I'm wondering if your DS asked for some ice cream. If he did then yes it makes a massive difference why he is vegan. If a DC's parents are vegan and imposing a vegan diet on them but the DCs don't want to be vegan and don't follow that diet when not at home, then that can put host parents in an awkward position. If a DC has a known allergy then I don't think anyone would risk an allergic reaction.

I think there is a difference between "just" being a vegan and having an allergy/intolerance.

Of course no one should try to "get one over" a vegan, vegetarian tpor allergy sufferer.

Why would she give him ice cream and lie to him telling him it's dairy free? Just don't think many people would do that- very likely to have been a mistake I reckon.

Bloody hell why would you lie to a child? Poor boy. Was he upset?

you should have explained what he was allergic to

milk and milk proteins are in a shit load of things you wouldn't, under normal circumstances look for. If your child has allergies you need to tell people or they may end up hurting the child by accident. Admittedly, this was not the case here but, if I was looking after someone's child and had accidentally done this, I'd have been bloody fuming with the parent for not telling me.

There'sSomethingFishyHereTiggaxx

I would have run through the entire meal menu with you to make sure it was okay with you. I wouldn't want to get it wrong.

I even do this with parents who say, yes my child will eat anything, I would still let the parent know what I was feeding the.

YANBU to feel more than angry.

Basically, when DS came home and I noticed the rash, I asked him what he had eaten and he mentioned dairy-free ice cream. I rang to confirm what he had eaten and she said something along the lines of "oh yes, that ice cream wasn't really dairy, I just said that so that he wouldn't be worried. I thought it would be a treat for him, I hope you don't mind." So, I am certain it was the ice cream that caused this and that it wasn't a mistake. I didn't tell him that she lied to him, I don't think he needs to be worried about whether he can trust what he eats - I just told him that the milk was probably accidentally in something he ate.

Small quantities and cross contamination are rarely much of a problem, and just saying 'vegan' has been fine for everyone else who has cooked for him (and his siblings before him), so I do not feel the need to specifically mention a dairy allergy when we have not had a problem before. If it was serious I would certainly mention it, but it is really just an annoyance.

People seem to think giving vegetarian/vegan children non complying foods is a 'treat' that they are 'deprived' I always wonder how those same people would react if they or their children were given cat/dog and told it was beef or whatever so that they don't 'miss out'.

There are some real idiots around.

YANBU 'a nice treat' FFS presumably she thought you're just a mean mother who forces him into this diet out of weird lentil weaver tendencies?