Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling a bit, well, suspicious I guess?

81 replies

ShinyToyBuns · 23/11/2014 10:05

I think I probably am.

Long story short, DH has recently started a new job, major improvement on previous job, new position is way better financially, long term prospects etc.

Lastnight he announced his sections plans for their work Christmas party.

The plan is a night out in our local city centre. No problem at all.

Then he adds on that they're all booking hotel rooms. I asked why, when we live 20 mins away by taxi. He replied they are all doing it.

I have a feeling I'm being really untrusting and paranoid but I cannot for the life of me see why anyone would need to pay out for a hotel room after their xmas party when they live so close and well quite frankly, unless they are planning on bringing someone back there.

I haven't yet said anything to him about it, as I'm not sure if IABU, or if I need to chill the fuck out. Sad

So please, a virtual slap round the face or a grip would be good! Grin

OP posts:
Neverknowingly · 23/11/2014 10:48

Yabu unless there is reason not to trust him. If everyone else was staying I would probably want to too. Often the nicest bit of an evening (training course etc) is everyone chilling in the hotel bar until the early hours and then presumably a catch up ove breakfast. Not the same at all if you know that at some point you have to find a taxi and schlep home.

Original poster
ShinyToyBuns · 23/11/2014 11:02

I think I need to sort out my issues. I just don't know where to start. I'm not going to say anything to him, he hasn't given me reason to trust him, and as general consensus seems to be it's a normal innocent part of the work xmas party ( I don't work, I'm a SAHM and carer for SN dd) Im a bit out of the loop. Shall try and get a GP appt to speak about how I'm feeling.

Thankyou Brew

OP posts:
Nicky42 · 23/11/2014 11:10

It sounds like your insecurity is the issue here.

I have done it before and had no intention of anything dodgy. It was just lovely to go out, have fun and then not have to worry abouts kids etc waking me up in the morning.

Mrsgrumble · 23/11/2014 11:13

I wouldn't be suspicious op - just let him enjoy his night

Well don't on the weight loss. Your confidence is so low- that's what I would work on. Hope you're ok.

BringMeTea · 23/11/2014 11:15

I think you are NBU. I can't fathom why he wouldn't just come home. It is 20 mins away. I think a hotel room in this case is for the single staff members. Nothing to do with control. Why wouldn't he get a taxi home? Mind you I have always hated works dos so I may be biased.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/11/2014 11:31

Is your husband a moron? I suspect not or you'd have mentioned it by now.

No sensible person, who doesn't wish to totally compromise their career prospects, would contemplate engaging in unwise behaviour like getting together with a new work-colleague when they've just started in a new role. They just wouldn't.

Every one else is booking a room, and so is he. It could be that he'd prefer to hop in a taxi and come home after the do but he's doing the same as everyone else not to stand out as a party-pooper who's also under the thumb. That's my guess. Anything else is just in your own head.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/11/2014 12:06

My son does this. He only lives 20 minutes from the city in which he works, but every so often they hire hotel rooms and have a works do. They pay for it themselves. In many cases (particularly if they get a travellodge type deal) it works out cheaper than the cost of a taxi home.

ilovesooty · 23/11/2014 12:13

Sounds as though he's following the norm for these events in his new job. I expect that there's a nightcap in the hotel bar and everyone has breakfast together and checks out. At least people will all be able to socialise without worrying about going home at different times and people having different curfews.
I hope your doctors appointment helps as it sounds as though the operation took a lot out of you.

Agrestic · 23/11/2014 12:18

I'm doing this. I live 20mins away, as do the majority of my colleagues. It just turns it into more of an occasion. Please don't think badly of him.

Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywench · 23/11/2014 12:22

DH and his workmates did this one year and they all live 10 mins down the road! It was so that they could keep the night going by staying in the hotel bar for a lock in after hours and to do so you had to be a guest. They booked 3 twin rooms and ended up staying up until 6 am (between the hotel bar and bedrooms) 12 people in 3 rooms... I'm sure the alcohol fumes would have knocked out an elephant! Grin

CuddlesAndShit · 23/11/2014 12:37

Oh op your posts made me feel sad Sad You sound so down on yourself and I would bet my bottom dollar that there is no need to be.

To reassure you, at my old xmas parties we all used to book rooms at the hotel. One was literally a five minute drive away once Grin. It was simply because it took the hassle out of getting home at the end of the night - no taxis to book, people to drop off etc...All we had to do was have a night of drinking and dancing then crawl upstairs to bed when we had enough!

I would actually feel the same as you if my dh were to do it, which is irrational but understandable if you feel insecure and don't know the people he is mixing with. It's easy for your imagination to run riot. But as long as he hasn't given you reason to distrust him then there is absolutely no point in stressing yourself out.

Just use that evening to have your own xmas party for one! Watch all the crappy telly you like, you don't have to share your wine and chocolate and you can starfish in bed alllllll night.

frankbough · 23/11/2014 12:38

Family man, drinking till the early hrs, not even going home to his wife and kids = irresponsible... Not very respectful... Getting smashed should be the preserve of the young and even then it's not very clever is it..

ilovesooty · 23/11/2014 12:45

So frankbough you expect him to stick out like a sore thumb in a job he's very new in just to make a point?

There is no indication that he's habitually disrespectful of his wife and family or that he has an alcohol problem. I doubt if your post made the OP feel any better.

NoSundayWorkingPlease · 23/11/2014 12:46

So going out for a works do is not very respectful? Mmm.

Ebayaholic · 23/11/2014 12:53

A promotion at work can be a dangerous time - more power and money can affect the balance in relationships and I can understand why you are a little concerned. When I stay in a hotel I always FaceTime/Skype my husband- not because he doesn't trust me but just because it's nice to say goodnight in person (and because he thinks he will get phone sex too Wink)- maybe you should ask him to FaceTime you when he gets in?

GreenPetal94 · 23/11/2014 13:00

I have friends who have Christmas parties like this, but it is usually the employer paying for the rooms.

If you are not worried about the financial side of this then I would say let him have his one night of heavy drinking.

Also if anyone is going to have an affair they would be absurd to have that connected to a great new job. It's likely no one is using their hotel room for anything other than crashing alone.

I think you are overthinking this. It's just spending money on extending the party and avoids wives waiting up and texting for arrival times home.

frankbough · 23/11/2014 13:04

Listen, it's an opinion not law, I'm not a big fan of works do's but a wife and kids should always come before getting legless with colleagues..
Nothing in any contract that says you must attend work functions..

As a husband/wife there is nothing wrong with considering the others feelings on matters such as this, a fine compromise would be for him to attend and then go back to his family at an reasonable hour in a functioning state..

TooSpotty · 23/11/2014 13:09

As a public sector employer, I boggle at these stories. We pay £10 to go and drink lukewarm boxed wine in a conference room for four hours after work!

Sweetheart, where's YOUR fun? You work very hard, and is anyone sending you off for a big, enjoyable piss up with hotel room thrown in? I know I can't remember the last I did something like that, but at least DH is as dull as me. You need proper cheering up.

DurhamDurham · 23/11/2014 13:12

I live in a Durham but have stayed in a hotel in a Newcastle after a night out, it's just to make more of an occasion of it........added to that the promise of a cooked breakfast the next morning and maybe the use of the hotel pool and steam room.

I wouldn't be suspicious at all.......just a bit jealous Grin

ilovesooty · 23/11/2014 13:14

So frankbough you do expect him to stick out like a sore thumb in a new job then...

SaucyJack · 23/11/2014 13:20

I should imagine it's just so they can go back afterwards and continue the party.

Itsfab · 23/11/2014 13:21

Is he eager to fit in or too wet to say no, he is going home and there is no need to stay so close to home? Also, has he asked if you are okay with having the children all evening, through the night and all the next morning probably too while he gets pissed then sleeps off his hangover?

You need to talk to him about how you feel as your feelings are real and you are not unreasonable to have them.

frankbough · 23/11/2014 13:28

Why is this husband going home to his wife and children in at reasonable hour in a non inebriated state such a big deal, how old is he twelve...

What happens if someone gets a couple of lines out is that ok too, better do it just in case.. Oh better have this shot or play this drinking game..
Deary me, it's like being back at school...

ilovesooty · 23/11/2014 13:45

No one mentioned drug taking except you frankbough

OP you would not be at all unreasonable to tell him how you feel but as a one off, particularly in a new job whole establishing himself within a team it doesn't sound unreasonable to me.

frankbough · 23/11/2014 13:48

What do you think alcohol is..