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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that as of today I will no longer be a skivvy!

75 replies

RussianDollss · 22/11/2014 15:33

I've been SAHM for the past few years and over the years DH has just stopped doing anything in the house, and now with the kids too really. If I say anything I'm apparently nagging Angry.

It's not just the lack of housework and childcare that bothers me, it's the fact that he makes a complete fucking mess around the house and then just expects the household magical fairies to tidy it. He has an orange on Wednesday night and the peel was still sitting around on the floor next to his chair yesterday morning when he reluctantly tidied it up after I mentioned it. He seems to think that things are small jobs and that I should just do them without complaint.

Anyway, I have recently gone back to work. I am working school hours every day. Mornings before work are taken up with getting the kids ready/myself ready/making packed lunches whilst DH just waltzes off to work after only sorting himself out. Evenings I spend doing homework/cooking/cleaning up kitchen/bathtimes/bedtimes/getting ready for the following day. DH does nothing no matter how much I ask him to.

I am totally pissed off today as DH has gone off to do sport for the day with friends, and again I'm left picking up the slack. DH worked from home yesterday but in reality only did a couple of hours work yet has done nothing but made mess, and the house is a tip. Yet I know I will get a snippy comment tonight if the house isn't tidy and clean.

I have cleaned up but have decided that as of today I am no longer being a slave. I will tell him when he gets home that I'm not doing any more cooking or washing for him anymore, or tidying up his crap, until he can prove that he can pull his weight in the house and with the kids. He doesn't appreciate a thing that I do. It's just assumed that I'll do it.

I hoped that he'd get his bum into gear when I went back to work, and we did discuss sharing the load a bit, but he's miraculously forgotten.

OP posts:
DeliciousIrony · 22/11/2014 15:41

YANBU.

You might have weakened your message a bit by cleaning up all his shit from yesterday though.

Original poster
RussianDollss · 22/11/2014 15:42

I know! I think it was cleaning all that up that gave me the rage though and made me determined not to do it again!

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/11/2014 15:43

Hmmm, are you being unreasonable? Let me think.............

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2014 15:47

There is a serious difference in my book between separating duties in a house and one person treating the other like a servant. Worse because they are not deserving of even cursory respect.

If he has agreed to share the load, what happens when you remind him of that.

What about:

I love you DH and appreciate you work hard. I do absolutely everything around the house, which makes me feel sad, angry and unimportant. I need us to decide how we will divide the household tasks. I will not pick up your rubbish ever again. I want us to get along as partners.

puntasticusername · 22/11/2014 15:48

If these jobs are so small they aren't worth complaining about, and should just be done, why can't he manage to do them his bloody self?

YANBU. Lazy arse. I'd have put he orange peel in his side of the bed, myself.

tippytappywriter · 22/11/2014 15:52

What mrsterry said.
You may be feeling mad but in reality you need to sit down and have a calm conversation about how much you do. Draw up a proper plan and if needs be write it down. If he still persists in treating you like a nag then you need to think again. Hope it goes well however you approach it.
Could you come up with a list of what you would like?

Original poster
RussianDollss · 22/11/2014 15:53

He always accuses me of nagging whenever I try to discuss anything like that. Or just ignores me and refuses to engage.

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/11/2014 15:55

He sounds like a prince. A messy, lazy, childish prince.

LapsedTwentysomething · 22/11/2014 15:56

He also needs to understand that he has two options here: pull his weight to do his share of household chores, or do them all himself in the new home he will need to find and pay for alone.

Vitalstatistix · 22/11/2014 15:58

I think asking him who he thinks should do x, z, y - really break it down - might make him think.

husband. now I am working x hours outside the home, we need to talk about who is going to do what. Who do you think should do all the cooking? ok, what about the polishing? And now the vacuming? And what about personal mess-who should clean up that? ... etc etc.

He will either have to say you you you you you, which will make him massively unreasonable! or he will have to agree a more reasonable split

Vitalstatistix · 22/11/2014 15:58

xpost
well, if he won't even have an adult conversation about household tasks, then he's a tool, isn't he?

puntasticusername · 22/11/2014 16:00

Is it possible that this is his way of protesting against something in your home or relationship that he perceives to be unfair? Does he feel that his hard work outside the home goes unrecognised? Does he think you're on some sort of soft option because you're at home with the children? Does he miss his children and wish he could spend more time with them?

Or is he really just a lazy get?

Goldmandra · 22/11/2014 16:00

I lost it today about DH looking for things in cupboards by pulling out the contents then scooping them up and shoving them back in a complete mess with the expectation that I will tidy the cupboard then next time I open it.

YANBU to expect everyone to make an effort to tidy up after themselves. I have said that I don't mind cleaning as I am a SAHM but I do mind picking things up after everyone else.

pregnantpause · 22/11/2014 16:02

So not only is he lazy and presumptuous - he's rude and inconsiderate at best , purposefully dismissive and unconcerned about your feelings at worst? He obviously has no respect for you- I could think perhaps his laziness had become habit, stupid but explainable- however refusing to engage in a conversation and stonewalling your feelings- that's just disrespectful and really betrays a complete lack of empathy or compassion.

FayKorgasm · 22/11/2014 16:04

Stop doing anything for him. If he refuses to behave like an adult thats his problem.

VinoTime · 22/11/2014 16:04

Does he have any redeeming qualities? From the little I've read so far, he is:

Lazy
Messy
Entitled
Ignores you
Refuses to discuss anything like a big boy
Self involved
Thoughtless
Selfish
Can't be bothered to engage with his children anymore

Hmm He sounds like a complete slob. Why on earth are you doing anything for him at all?! Tell him to get to fuck and beyond. He sounds awful, OP!

Pilgit · 22/11/2014 16:06

And I bet he still expects sex! But on a serious note - YANBU at all. This is ridiculously common and a major reason for divorce as more and more women refuse to be treared like slaves by men who think it's still the 1950s. Over on the relationships board there are some very wise women who can give all sorts of advice. Do you get any spare time for your hobbies?

It's about a lack of respect - clearing up his orange peel is a little thing but to grumble about doing it shows that he has no respect for you - it's a little thing that is beneath him but not you.

The fact that he gets arsy about it when you 'nag' is deflection as he knowes he's acting like a man child cock lodger

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/11/2014 16:07

Does he feel that his hard work outside the home goes unrecognised?

The OP works outside the home. And does all the kids stuff. And has 100% of the home to sort. And all her husband's droppings to pick up.

NewEraNewMindset · 22/11/2014 16:08

Now I am a SAHM every single household task is my own, including bins, gardening, windows, childcare, even DIY as he is crap at it. I have just spent the whole day cleaning and washing and am now sitting having a drink.

I kind of don't mind as he isn't messy and is lovely, but man it can get boring and tiring. When I was working I made him do 50% of the housework and he was traumatised lol

So because I feel your pain YANBU

IfNotNowThenWhen · 22/11/2014 16:08

Of course you are not being unreasonable, but I have read so many threads like this over the years, that now I just think- Why bother? Why bother having a husband at all, if he just makes more work for you. I have been single for years, and frankly, I just can't imagine living in a house with someone who would expect me to do everything domestic whill he does nowt.
My housework is minimal, I never ever pick up a man's socks, or doing his washing or ironing, or clean up the kitchen when he has made a sandwich. Sometimes the place is a mess, but it's my mess (dc is quite tidy!) And I can get to it when I can be arsed.
I bet you never want to shag him. God, seriously, what is the point of marriage if you even have to try and have those kinds of conversations? Who has the patience?.
I obviously can be of no real help to you, sorry! Going to take myself off to a dark quiet room!
Good luck.

Calloh · 22/11/2014 16:09

I am furious on your behalf. Of course YANBU.

He needs to get his act together. I think you need to be calm and run through it as Vital suggests. It is absolutely not ok EVER to drop his peel on the floor - and then to leave it for someone else to pick up, and then to sulk when they make you pick it up - with the rest is just so out of this world entitled that it's almost funny - I mean what the fuck? How does an adult do that?

morethanpotatoprints · 22/11/2014 16:16

YABU like so many others to define looking after your kids as childcare, did you not learn anything from the endless battles of sahm not actually providing childcare as they don't get paid.
Also, pet hate of mine, we are parents not bloody child care workers. Grin

Your dh is an ass YANBU to expect him to pull his weight, go on strike.
How old are the dc, are they old enough to have a few chores.
It's not fair you should do the lot whether working or not, maybe show him this thread.
Good luck to you Thanks

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2014 16:18

So how do you think he'll react?

BTW, how old are your children? Do they have household tasks to do?

whatever5 · 22/11/2014 16:22

YANBU. He obviously is a very untidy person though and part of the problem may be that he doesn't notice all the jobs that need doing. When I first went back to work I wrote a list of all jobs and then asked DH which jobs he would do. That has worked quite well. He doesn't do them as soon as I would like them to be done and everything is not as clean/tidy as it used to be it but at least he does stuff (eventually) as he agreed to do it and knows that I won't.

Bulbasaur · 22/11/2014 16:26

I work at home while DH works outside the home, and I make DH pick up the slack sometimes. I don't mind doing most of the housework when he works long hours, but I do demand he put his dirty clothes in the correct hampers, not lying all over the floors and furniture. He does do the cooking and dishes when he can though. Also, he gets the baby at night while I sleep so he gets wiggle room for taking the shit shift.

In any case, YANBU.