To tell DH that as of today I will no longer be a skivvy!

[RussianDollss]

I've been SAHM for the past few years and over the years DH has just stopped doing anything in the house, and now with the kids too really. If I say anything I'm apparently nagging .

It's not just the lack of housework and childcare that bothers me, it's the fact that he makes a complete fucking mess around the house and then just expects the household magical fairies to tidy it. He has an orange on Wednesday night and the peel was still sitting around on the floor next to his chair yesterday morning when he reluctantly tidied it up after I mentioned it. He seems to think that things are small jobs and that I should just do them without complaint.

Anyway, I have recently gone back to work. I am working school hours every day. Mornings before work are taken up with getting the kids ready/myself ready/making packed lunches whilst DH just waltzes off to work after only sorting himself out. Evenings I spend doing homework/cooking/cleaning up kitchen/bathtimes/bedtimes/getting ready for the following day. DH does nothing no matter how much I ask him to.

I am totally pissed off today as DH has gone off to do sport for the day with friends, and again I'm left picking up the slack. DH worked from home yesterday but in reality only did a couple of hours work yet has done nothing but made mess, and the house is a tip. Yet I know I will get a snippy comment tonight if the house isn't tidy and clean.

I have cleaned up but have decided that as of today I am no longer being a slave. I will tell him when he gets home that I'm not doing any more cooking or washing for him anymore, or tidying up his crap, until he can prove that he can pull his weight in the house and with the kids. He doesn't appreciate a thing that I do. It's just assumed that I'll do it.

I hoped that he'd get his bum into gear when I went back to work, and we did discuss sharing the load a bit, but he's miraculously forgotten.

IMO 'don't nag' is manspeak for 'please allow me to behave like a lazy disgusting fucking slob'. And unless we tackle it, then our sons grow up behaving exactly like their 'role models', our daughters think their role in life is to please men and so the self-perpetuating cycle continues, generation after generation.

He told you that you're deluded, speak bullshit, and to fuck off.

He sounds like a real catch

Stick to your guns OP, don't do any more of the domestic shit from now on.

STRIKE! Only thing for it op. Good luck

Hmmmm.

A list ? Here's your share, here's mine ? OK, it smacks of being a student in a shared house, but if that's how things are ....

Just get shut of him

Who could be arsed with this ? What is he even for ?

OP YANBU, he is a lazy area.

Hopefully he will realise this over the next couple of days and apologise and make a shared plan.

If not- how is your relationship otherwise? Is he generally disrespectful and dismissive of you?

If DH spoke to me with so little respect I would absolutely lose it with him. How dare he speak to you like that? Forget equal split of tasks, that's a red herring. The real problem here is that he doesn't respect you. That's a huge problem.

What. A. Knob.

How dare he speak to you like that ?

If he genuinely thought you were being unreasonable (for some god knows what reason) he'd at least explain why that was but no, he rants and rages, insults you and swears at you.

Because he's too immature and too selfish to have an adult conversation he relies on the old "attack being the best form of defence" when challenged.

As AF said, really, what is he there for ? What positives does he bring to your relationship, your family and your household ?

And it isn't just his lazy mess, it's his contemptuous attitude where you are clearly seen several rungs below his fucking oh-so-important-majesty. If he won't even show you the courtesy of hearing you out - after all, he doesn't have to automatically agree, just be prepared to justify his stance if he really thinks he's done nothing wrong - then I'd say he's verging on being emotionally abusive. Two adults should be able to have a conversation where they both get to say their piece, one shouldn't close down the other. He sounds repulsive, as well as being selfish, arrogant, sexist, lazy, and uncaring. What is the point ?

How outrageous! Strike! Strike! Strike!

I do hope you're making his favourite dinner tonight, not enough left for him of course.

Agree that striking means having to live in his shit; what a dilemma. You live in his shit which causes you distress OR you tidy up which also causes you distress.

He won't get the message. I'm afraid that I agree with the others who say that he believes himself to be better than you and that the drudgery is your job not his.

It's not as if he is one of the loving but infuriating men who don't actually see or care about mess and wouldn't care if you DIDN'T do it.

He sounds horrible.

Just leave him. Seriously. He sounds like a tool.

I am a childminder work full time 7.30-6pm. I do the lions share of washing tidying cleaning dog walking etc. I get up at 6 to fit it all in. I am also the main wage earner. We have 4 kids 2 at home. My partner works 3 days and is off today so has taken our kids to school. I am at home with 3 x 2 year olds. Her only job for today is to pop to shop to get a few basics (yogurts milk) and she's just rung to ask 'should I go to the shop now?' To my response of 'instead of when?' She asked if I could go. Can I hell!

Delightful.

Tell him you'd have less to do if you were a single parent and your life would be a lot easier.

Well, that's a bit inflammatory and likely to end badly, so it's probably not a good idea. It is true though.

This strike means he has to also shop for all his food.
Shop for the washing powder and fabric conditioner.
Shop for toothpaste, shower gel, shampoo etc....
Clean his own dishes. All of them. Any pans used, plates, cutlerty..
He has to do all of his own washing.
Tumble drying.
Folding.
Ironing.
Putting away.

If you find anything that isn't how it should be after his almighty huff then put it IN his side of the bed.
Any plates, rubbish, glasses, cans, washing, socks, all go in his bed.
Any wet towels go in the same place!
This is what I had to do to my sister when she was living with me and it worked a treat.

Good luck with this but from what you have written he brings nothing to the table. Sounds to me like you'd be better off without him there.
Does he show you love and affection?
Does he show the children love and affection?

I would quietly stop doing some of the things that made his life easier. Eg his laundry, sorting his paperwork etc. I have recently stopped doing everything and actually despite moaning my dp did eventually step up and do more. He didn't like it but he did it. Occasionally if he had done something nice for me like cook a nice meal etc I would do him a favour and iron a few shirts for him etc but I made it clear that it wasn't to be expected. I still think I do more but I have also recently decided to invest in a fe w hours of a cleaner which means that I don't feel resentful about who cleans bathrooms etc. you will probably have difficult few months but if he comments it is messy etc simply say I am too tired or busy doing x if it is important you may need to do it yourself. Then say nothing else, don't get drawn into the whole you are a nag crap.

Currently SAHM full time I do everything and we see it as my job however DH has a day off today so he's looking after the LO doing breakfast and sorting the washing out while I have a lie in

Last night after him doing 120 hours this week he got up n got the little ones milk while I cuddled him

The point I'm trying to make is about partnership team work nothing domestic is beneath him because its our home

It's taken a lot of years to get to this point his mum did everything but they can change if they want to

Your DH attitude towards you is disgusting and you deserve better maybe it's time to think about how you want to spend the rest of your days

What's your relationship like aside from this ?

What kind of father ignores his kids? And fails to be involved in bath/ bedtime even when he's in the house?

Untidiness is one thing but being a disengaged father is a binning offence. I couldn't like, love or respect any man who couldn't be arsed caring for or spending time with his kids.

My ex was similar which is why I divorced him and then married a man who treats me with respect. I found that being told to 'stop nagging' when politely asking him to clean up after himself affected our marriage beyond repair.

Do his parents behave in a similar way or did his mother do absolutely everything for him so that he sees housework and childcare as 'women's work'? If so, then I'm sorry to say that it will be almost impossible to change him unless he actually chooses to make you happier and to change his ways.

You deserve so much better.

yanbu op and this thread has really got me thinking. My dh is similar to yours but will do abit around the house. He cooks at the weekend sometimes and will do the wasking up occassionally although He did some at the weekend and I had to redo 50% of it. He also leaves crap lying around and it does affect your relationship and the dc. My 10 and 8 yearold are always throwing rubbish behind the sofa or just leaving it lying around. when I challenge them they will say well dad does it. It really needs to stop as history will repeat itself. Fil changed one nappy but made such a hash of it he never had to do it again. He also though it was a waste of money sending sil to university. Mil clearly thinks I should do everything.
I want to return to work when youngest starts school but by that stage he will have to change or he will be ex.

I once hovered around his socks left on the floor...they were there days...he eventually got the message...I've been on strike for years! granted all kids independent and out working...

3boys, I don't recommend you leave it until your youngest starts school

Currently you are enabling your partner's laziness and ability to opt out of the shitwork

You think he will have a lightbulb moment and step up when you need him to ?

Think again

Always start as you mean to go on. And if you didn't, start to make changes right away

Btw, I don't think "strikes" work. These lazy fuckers know you will crack once your own living environment starts to look like shit.

They have to know you are prepared to walk away from a lifetime of skivvying after another grown adult. Otherwise, you are already on a loser.

Hope you find the courage Russian.