To tell DH that as of today I will no longer be a skivvy!

[RussianDollss]

I've been SAHM for the past few years and over the years DH has just stopped doing anything in the house, and now with the kids too really. If I say anything I'm apparently nagging .

It's not just the lack of housework and childcare that bothers me, it's the fact that he makes a complete fucking mess around the house and then just expects the household magical fairies to tidy it. He has an orange on Wednesday night and the peel was still sitting around on the floor next to his chair yesterday morning when he reluctantly tidied it up after I mentioned it. He seems to think that things are small jobs and that I should just do them without complaint.

Anyway, I have recently gone back to work. I am working school hours every day. Mornings before work are taken up with getting the kids ready/myself ready/making packed lunches whilst DH just waltzes off to work after only sorting himself out. Evenings I spend doing homework/cooking/cleaning up kitchen/bathtimes/bedtimes/getting ready for the following day. DH does nothing no matter how much I ask him to.

I am totally pissed off today as DH has gone off to do sport for the day with friends, and again I'm left picking up the slack. DH worked from home yesterday but in reality only did a couple of hours work yet has done nothing but made mess, and the house is a tip. Yet I know I will get a snippy comment tonight if the house isn't tidy and clean.

I have cleaned up but have decided that as of today I am no longer being a slave. I will tell him when he gets home that I'm not doing any more cooking or washing for him anymore, or tidying up his crap, until he can prove that he can pull his weight in the house and with the kids. He doesn't appreciate a thing that I do. It's just assumed that I'll do it.

I hoped that he'd get his bum into gear when I went back to work, and we did discuss sharing the load a bit, but he's miraculously forgotten.

Nagging , oh. Wonder what he calls it if he is having to repeat something or stress the importance of something.

Anyway - orange peel left on the floor for you to pick up and dispose of? Zero assistance with looking after his children? Is there a sign over the front door saying "Hotel"?

Great example to set the kids - chuck stuff on the floor, Mum will tidy it. And little respect for you.

The 'doesn't notice' excuse has raised it's head. I'm messy, lazy and untidy. I KNOW toilets need to be cleaned but I really don't want to clean them. I pull my weight because I love and respect DH and, although he would do more, it makes him feel sad and like I don't love him. I want to leave my shit lying around and certainly do more mess creation than DH, but I don't tell him he's 'nagging' when he notices it.

'Nagging' is a hateful, sexist, misogynist word that is banned in my house. It is meant to control and silence women.

YANBU, my DP can get a bit like this as well sometimes. With him it's more obliviousness than being unpleasant about it, he's good with the cooking and bottles though and if I ask for more help I usually get it. It's more a case of "not seeing" the crap he just dropped on the floor/spilled on the counter/whatever which gets a bit stressful when the 10 month old is crawling round looking for things to eat off the floor, or I have to scrub at a stain with bleach that would have come off with a baby wipe if it'd been got to when wet.

Your bloke just sounds nasty and disrespectful. Even worse, he's teaching your kids to disrespect their own mother - they probably think "why should I help mum, dad doesn't". I'd be tempted to let everything pile up - laundry, dishes, EVERYTHING. Maybe not the kid's stuff, depending on age, but defo DP's. No work shirts? Washing machine's there, love.

I can relate to your message and I have found that short definate sentences work much more than a long moan or declaration of im not doing this anymore. You will end up doing it and he knows it.
"Could you clear your mess/clothes/shit because I'm busy with cleaning the toilet, bath and putting the dc to bed ect ect. I wish I could do it all myself but I cant. ... Kind of thing.

Pick all his shit up and bung it in his car if he doesn't respond well to your reasonable request that he does his share.

When he makes snippy comments about the state of the house ask him to stop nagging.

When he makes snippy comments tell him to do it his fucking self.

Good luck but I can't see it going well. He isn't suddenly going to be a reasonable person without a serious consequence. It has to be something he really cares about. What do you think he really cares about?

Basically his spare time is too important to take his own refuse to a bin. Yours isn't. You are there to serve him. That is his underlying opinion of you.

What is this bollocks that he cannot see a mess he has made unless he is visually impaired. Of course he can. He just doesn't care and knows you do enough to sort it.

Please dont do any of his laundry.

When I suggested that he can't necessarily see/notice all the jobs that need doing I didn't mean really obvious ones like orange peel on the floor as obviously anyone can see that needs doing.

I wasn't having a go whatever, it's just someone always says that and it annoys me. Men go to work and I'm sure their managers wouldn't take that bullshit. If they went to their manager and said, " I didn't do X because I couldn't see that it needed to be done and I'm too stupid and lazy to work out that in every shop/business/team this job needs to be done every, single day" they would be sacked and rightly so.

The orange peel means he knows and just doesn't give a shit. The 'nagging' comments mean that he wants you to shut the fuck up and get back to the shit work.

Men go to work and I'm sure their managers wouldn't take that bullshit. If they went to their manager and said, " I didn't do X because I couldn't see that it needed to be done and I'm too stupid and lazy to work out that in every shop/business/team this job needs to be done every, single day" they would be sacked and rightly so.

They wouldn't say it to their manager but I doubt they would say it to the wives either. Who would admit to not doing something because they are too stupid and lazy to work out that it needed doing?

I was being facetious. What possible excuse is there for not 'seeing' that a toilet needs cleaned and orange peel doesn't live on the floor, that children don't magic themselves to school with packed lunches and that fairies don't clean the house?

I would be raging over this but gree to have a calm discussion about splitting jobs, stop him immediately if he says you are nagging. Tell him that he is being ridiculous and to gt his act together.

Definitely stop doing his tuff anyway. That's the difficulty with maternity leave and not working outside the home - some men can take the piss

Shove all his mess in a black bag bar the dc and present it to him after a week

What possible excuse is there for not 'seeing' that a toilet needs cleaned and orange peel doesn't live on the floor, that children don't magic themselves to school with packed lunches and that fairies don't clean the house?

Obviously orange peel and packed lunches are obvious but I don't think that everyone notices that toilets/houses need cleaning until they are very dirty.

But he obviously DOES know what needs doing, because OP says he complains if its untidy.
Perhaps she should claim to not see the mess/thought it was someone elses job?

But he obviously DOES know what needs doing, because OP says he complains if its untidy.
Perhaps she should claim to not see the mess/thought it was someone elses job?

Yes she should.

FunkyBoldRibena @1607 - yes, I get that, of course I get that. I was talking about how the OP's husband may be FEELING - regardless of whether or not those feelings are justified.

Ask him why he thinks it is your job to do everything child and house related.

Put all his crap under the duvet on his side of the bed, orange peel, dirty washing the lot. He will get the message!

Well, I tried talking to him very calmly and factually about it on Saturday evening and lets just say it did not go well!

He refused to listen and went straight off on a rant calling me deluded and saying that I speak complete bullshit and that he does more domestic stuff than me! I said ok, if he wants to be like that then he can do his own washing and cooking in future and he said fine, I am crap at doing them anyway and it'll be no loss not to have me doing them!!

His rotten mood has carried on. He asked me to help him out with something upstairs just now, and when I apparently said something in the wrong tone he again went off at me and told me to fuck off downstairs and he didn't need my help and he'd do it all himself as usual.

Nice.

Well then, just let him.

To an extent I went through something fairly similar with my husband when DC3 was born but:

• he made it clear he loved me

• he was actually trying to understand sometimes

• we could still laugh about things sometimes

• I knew we weren't really like that and it would get better

If there hadn't been the above I couldn't have stuck it out, why even would it have been a good thing to stick out.

Please, please tell me you have the above otherwise I am going to say LTB and I never say it and I really mean it. Life is so much better than what you have right now.