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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ex can't ban me from ever visiting a certain place again

83 replies

pinoli · 19/11/2014 13:43

Long story short, ex and I were together for 20 years (since we were teens)

His family are quite wealthy and owe a holiday home abroad. We've been on holiday there every year since I was 17 and then with the DC since they were born (sometimes twice a year). Obviously ex has been going since he was a baby (house has been in the family for years).

The house isn't owed by him, but family members choose when they want it during the year and its rented for the remainder (holiday location and always fully booked). After we divorced, ex made it clear to his family and ex MIL in particular (who owns the house) that I was in effect banned from using it again. Thats fine, to be honest I didn't expect it would be ok, even though MIL said it was fine I knew ex would kick up about it.

However, the village/beach is one of my favourite places in the world. I obviously have a lot of memories there and all family holidays have been there since the DC were born. This year I planned to take the DC for a week in half term. Not to the ex family house but the same village and to rent a property.

Ex happen to text yesterday about his holiday plans with his partner for next year, so I mentioned that I would be going with the DC in May (we always arrange holidays in advance to stop clashes).

He sent back a text basically saying 'you have no right to go there, that is my family location, find somewhere else to go' I replied that obviously I wasn't going to stay at his property but somewhere else. His reply was 'damn right you're not staying there, and you aren't taking DC either, i'm planning on taking them in the summer and it will ruin our trip if they've already been'

This went on and on and ended with him saying 'I'm sure you'll just do whatever you want to anyway so crack on'

AIBU to still want to go on holiday here? I realise I could just find a new holiday location so may well be in the wrong. But the other part says hang on you don't own the bloody country, just one house!

OP posts:

BatteryPoweredHen · 19/11/2014 18:07

pinoli Wed 19-Nov-14 14:10:38
It will be our first abroad trip yes. I've taken them camping instead the last few years.

I doubt he has been bad mouthing me (he had the affair not me!) but I suppose it's a possibility. I think it's more that he sees it as 'his' families place and is trying to excise me as much as possible.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/11/2014 18:07

I doubt he has been bad mouthing me (he had the affair not me!)

I bloody knew I'd read it!

BatteryPoweredHen · 19/11/2014 18:08

Op def said that he had the affair...

BatteryPoweredHen · 19/11/2014 18:08

x post

carlsonrichards · 19/11/2014 18:08

The OP says he cheated on her.

Canyouforgiveher · 19/11/2014 18:14

Thanks Batterypowered. I missed that. Well I can certainly see why he doesn't want OP around. And have no sympathy for him but I do think OP would be better off forming new memories elsewhere.

BonzoDooDah · 19/11/2014 18:15

I'd find your own place to go. All your visit there will be tinged with memories from before with him and what you did. You've split and I think for you and the children it would be better to find your own new place. There are so many wonderful places to go. Do a name change and ask people for suggestions on places like the place you go. You may find somewhere even better and have the best holiday of your life.
Plus I think it's good for children to be adventurous and see different places and situations.

That all said - if MY Ex had said I couldn't go somewhere I'd be UTTERLY livid and think F*&K YOU and be inclined to go anyway. But that is living on rage and bad feeling. Going somewhere else would break all the connections and you'd probably be less stressed.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/11/2014 18:24

If the op had posted this as a reverse she would have had her arse handed to her.

Op YANBU.

In theory he could make it difficult for you if no residency order (or the new equivalent) exists as without one you do need permission from all parties with PR to leave the country but if it went to court he would look like a petulant 5yo

BatteryPoweredHen · 19/11/2014 18:30

There is often a difference between what we are permitted/entitled to do and what is the right/best thing to do.

Original poster

pinoli · 19/11/2014 18:38

He wouldn't stop me taking the DC abroad as presumably he'd expect me to do the same.

The DC said they're not bothered about going with me because ex is taking them, in fact they all asked to go camping in the UK again

OP posts:

HelloItsMeFell · 19/11/2014 18:39

However, the village/beach is one of my favourite places in the world.

You've been going there twice a year for since you were 17, for 20 years. How many other places in the world have you actually tried?

Of course he can't stop you going but quite honestly I am amazed that after all this time you wouldn't rather draw a line under those memories and go somewhere else. After all, you probably only went there all those times because it was free/cheap.

I can't help wondering if you are still planning on going there to make some kind of a point to your ex….

I would imagine your DCs would appreciate going somewhere different as well.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 19/11/2014 18:44

I think you should go this year even if you never go again. Not going will send him the message he has the right to dictate where you can/cannot go. Yes, he could possibly make it awkward by refusing the OP permission to leave the country with her DC but that works both ways.

Original poster

pinoli · 19/11/2014 18:46

Lots of places! Australia, Greece, Austria, Poland, Sweden, all over the UK.

It's just a beautiful part of the world

OP posts:

sonjadog · 19/11/2014 18:53

Try somewhere else. How about trying a different type of holiday from normal? How old are your kids? Maybe someone here has a good suggestion.

HelloItsMeFell · 19/11/2014 18:57

I've read the OP again and I do think YABU. I just smacks of you trying to point score over your ex and be a fly in his ointment, which is not cool.

Why was it necessary for you to tell him where you planned to go? The dates, the dates yes, but the location? I can't imagine you really want to go there that badly. Any claims otherwise will sound a bit disingenuous to me.

HelloItsMeFell · 19/11/2014 18:57

sorry, full of typos

BiscuitsAreMyDownfall · 19/11/2014 19:23

I dont think you are being unreasonable. Why should you never go back to a place you like just because your ex's family happen to own a property there? Would you stop going to restaurants, hotels, theatres, pubs etc that you and your ex used to go to?

My parents have a place in the South of France and we have been a few times as a couple and a family (Ive been going there since I was 4). 2015 will be the 3rd year in a row we have gone as a family and it is very unlikely to be our last. If me and DH were to split I can see no reason why I would have a problem with him taking the DCs there. Although I guess unless I was in that position I dont really know how I would feel, but I know how much DH does like that area in France.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 19/11/2014 19:37

What I think is that he has told the locals it was you having the affair.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 19/11/2014 19:45

I would speak to the MIL and ask if you can, after all, borrow the place.

I don't do being told what I can and can't do.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/11/2014 20:13

What I think is that he has told the locals it was you having the affair

My parents had a holiday place that we went to every single year until they sold it (last year).

I would never, ever go around telling 'the locals' the ins and outs of my marriage! How strange to think he would do so.

Anyway, OP, your dc don't even want to go there with you!

Are you sure, quite sure, that there isnt an ulterior motive here somewhere?

textingdisaster · 19/11/2014 20:40

It was the same with my exSIL's baby christening. He kicked up about me being invited and in the end I didn't go because it wasn't worth the hassle.

They are very much 'his' family and nothing to do with me as far as he is concerned.

He shoulds delightful pinoli. Does he have any notion that he is the one who had the affair.

I think you should go where you want to go and if that is the place you are used to holidaying in, it is nothing to do with your ex. Your MIL sounds nice.

balia · 19/11/2014 20:45

I'm with the 'I wouldn't' camp. Obviously he can't tell you what to do but I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to feel that by taking them before he does, you make their holiday less special. And anyway, it would be weird for the kids, surely? Going back to the same place but different? Invites comparison and emphasises the difference between the 'together' holidays of their intact family youth and their lives with separated parents who can't even sort out holidays without conflict. It would be bittersweet at best. They are already telling you that by saying they want to go camping again. And surely you would have lots of memories of happy times in the past? Sounds dreadful.

Fiddlerontheroof · 19/11/2014 20:51

Ha ha...you 'crack on' and go wherever you bloody well like, what a knob.

Incidentally I'm banned from setting foot on the driveway of his house, and I'm not allowed to pick my kids up from there. (I'm not a mad bunny boiler btw!) He absolutely hates it if I'm in his place of work (sometimes unavoidable) and it's all to do with the fact he had the affair.....

You go where you like, it's got fuck all to do with him, and I can imagine if this is the first time you're taking the kids away abroad on your own, then somewhere familiar will be great...you can always stretch your wings in years to come.

Also, my kids and I go to my parents house in Italy every year which I did with my ex for years...and now without. The first time was odd....but now I don't even associate him ever having been there really.

So you bloody do what you like, he has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. If he was any decent human being he'd be allowing his kids to stay at the family home with you, particularly as you've been offered it, particularly as he's behaved like a complete shit by having an affair....as I know how much my kids adore going back to their grandparents each year :)

But clearly, he's as much of an arse as my ex, not content with trashing the family life, but then continuing to behave like a complete cock, rather than at least ensuring his family are well cared for and looked after!

maddy68 · 19/11/2014 20:54

Btf I think it's a bit odd that you want to go somewhere that you used to go with your ex. I would want to start new memories with my children and my future life.
Especially if the kids are likely to go there regularly, give them new experiences of new places

textingdisaster · 19/11/2014 21:12

It must guilt that makes him behave in this way - also fiddlerontheroof's ex.

As an aside - are you Italian fiddler ? I am half Italian (waves ) and as children we used to go to Italy every year to see my Mum's parents - I have very fond memories of this.

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