To think ex can't ban me from ever visiting a certain place again

[pinoli]

Long story short, ex and I were together for 20 years (since we were teens)

His family are quite wealthy and owe a holiday home abroad. We've been on holiday there every year since I was 17 and then with the DC since they were born (sometimes twice a year). Obviously ex has been going since he was a baby (house has been in the family for years).

The house isn't owed by him, but family members choose when they want it during the year and its rented for the remainder (holiday location and always fully booked). After we divorced, ex made it clear to his family and ex MIL in particular (who owns the house) that I was in effect banned from using it again. Thats fine, to be honest I didn't expect it would be ok, even though MIL said it was fine I knew ex would kick up about it.

However, the village/beach is one of my favourite places in the world. I obviously have a lot of memories there and all family holidays have been there since the DC were born. This year I planned to take the DC for a week in half term. Not to the ex family house but the same village and to rent a property.

Ex happen to text yesterday about his holiday plans with his partner for next year, so I mentioned that I would be going with the DC in May (we always arrange holidays in advance to stop clashes).

He sent back a text basically saying 'you have no right to go there, that is my family location, find somewhere else to go' I replied that obviously I wasn't going to stay at his property but somewhere else. His reply was 'damn right you're not staying there, and you aren't taking DC either, i'm planning on taking them in the summer and it will ruin our trip if they've already been'

This went on and on and ended with him saying 'I'm sure you'll just do whatever you want to anyway so crack on'

AIBU to still want to go on holiday here? I realise I could just find a new holiday location so may well be in the wrong. But the other part says hang on you don't own the bloody country, just one house!

And YY to a location that will be 'yours' as in you and the dcs instead of yours as you, the dcs and the ex.
The problem with going to the same place is that you encourage 'competition' and comparison between 'your' holiday and 'his' holiday which us really unnecessary.

He's unreasonable to ban you from going there but I agree with his sentiments and in your position, I would find a new place to go to and make some new memories.

I can see why you would be even more determined to go now after his outburst, but are you really sure it won't bring back memories that will make either you or your kids sad? Going back to places that you were once happy and loved in can be very hard. Especially on your first trip abroad after the break-up.

If I were you, I'd find somewhere new to go and start making new memories. There are many great places to go. You don't have to go back to that place.

Legally he can as you need permission from him to take the DC out of the country.

I don't know, tbh.

I mean, of course he can't ban you from going but I don't really understand why you want to.

Your dc like it there, yes. But will it be strange for them to be staying there and not at grandma's?

I just think the world is a wonderful and huge place and you could find somewhere amazing to go and make your own memories. I'm just not sure why you would want to go back there. Yes, it's familiar and you like it but still...

I can see why you divorced him. How strange. Why would he even care?

Does he realise you're not staying in his parents house?

Good luck!

I would be inclined to stick to your plans this year if you really want to go there as it will give you confidence to be somewhere familiar.

However, won't it be a bit odd in the circumstances? Your memories of the place all contain him... It might be nice to visit some of the places you have never been now you have the chance. Make a short list and get the kids involved in deciding. That will be a new thing for them since holidays do far have all been to the same place.

He has no rights whatsoever stopping you from going to the area.

If you were to rent ex MIL's house you would be entering into a contract with her, not your ex, so he cannot stop you going back to the specific house as long as MIL is prepared to rent to you.

If I were in your shoes I would go to the area as much as possible just to piss him off and make it clear to him that he cannot control you.

I have the same situation with sis and BIL who live in a posh suburb of South MCR. BIL has informed me if I go to this area I will be arrested. Why exactly? I have never threatened them or been violent to them. The one thing I put my hands up to is calling him a pseudointellectual prick, a comment I stand by 100%.

The only contact I have had with BIL in 6 years was ONE TWEET and I got a written response threatening me with a restraining order if I made further contact. Threaten away! You cannot get a RO without good reason and if I need to go to that specific area of MCR I bloody well will.

He texts: I'm sure you'll just do whatever you want to anyway so crack on.

You text: You're so fucking right I will.

Your Ex certainly can't ban you from going wherever you want but to be honest, if I knew he was taking the children to this place in the summer, then I would've chosen somewhere else. There are plenty of lovely holiday destinations, and I would view it as a chance to broaden your children's horizons and to make new memories.

OP in the words of your ex "crack on" go and bloody enjoy it

Of course he can't stop you (as he acknowledged in his text) but I have some sympathy for him tbh. It could come across as a way to say f-you to him and his mother for not letting you rent her house.

If your post was "dh and I are split. He now insists on going on holiday with the children to the village where my family have a home and where we have holidayed since I was a baby. He says it is because he loves the place but I feel like it is just to annoy/control me and because it will look really odd to all the people we know there that we won't give him our house - aibu?" you might have gotten different responses.

Go if you like but i think the world is big and if it were me, I'd start forming new memories someone other beautiful place

He is an arse and throwing a strop.

He would have a point with "i'm planning on taking them in the summer and it will ruin our trip if they've already been" if you were deliberating booking a week at Disneyland, or some other big holiday you knew he'd booked. But seeing as the dcs have been going there annually since birth (if I read your OP right) an extra week this year - for the first time in 3 years - will only 'ruin' his/their holiday if he's sulking the whole time.

I would ask him exactly how close his relationship is to his children if visiting the same village twice in one year constitutes a 'ruined' holiday. I mean, surely the point of the holiday is for he and them to do things together and if he can't make it a good holiday for them, then that's his failing.

But this is just him marking his territory. Daft boy.

Just to clarify MIL was fine with us going to the house (she didn't want rent!). But ex told her no.

On reflection I think I'll just book somewhere else, maybe in the same region but not that village.

Actually, I can see his point.

While of course he can't ban you from going wherever you choose, it is a bit odd to choose this destination as your first overseas trip post divorce.

It's a bit like naming your child the same as your best friend's child - there's nothing technically wrong with it, but it is a bit 'off' from an unspoken rules of etiquette perspective.

If the DCs weren't going this year, then it might be a bit more understandable, but they are going with him later in the year.

Also, whilst I stress that I am personally not of this opinion, I can see that other people might view it as a bit tragic and that you haven't moved on. Personally I'd hate it if people thought of me that way.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes, as I would hate to back down now and let him 'win'. I think you were in the wrong to book the trip, but it's a bit late in the day to extricate yourself from it now without looking like he has 'won'.

I guess in this instance you're going to have to stand your ground - but the world is a big and interesting place, why not find somewhere new and make your own memories?

I can see why it would be easier for you to go somewhere that you know, but it is somewhere that you only know so well because of your ex, so in your position I'd rather try somewhere new. Especially if the dc would prefer somewhere new over the same place twice. There's a whole world out there, go and discover it if you have the opportunity to holiday with your dc.

I'd go elsewhere and create new memories with the DCs. Preferably somewhere that knocks the socks off the location!

Also, whilst I stress that I am personally not of this opinion, I can see that other people might view it as a bit tragic and that you haven't moved on. Personally I'd hate it if people thought of me that way

I thought that and, yes, while you should have a 'fuck what anyone else thinks' attitude, I'd hate for an ex who cheated on me to think I hadn't managed to get over him and I was wandering around our old haunts, especially his family's holiday destination, pining for him!

Given that you have been on holiday there every year for the last 20 years I can understand you wanting the familiarity for your first holiday after your split

Tell him to fuck right off and do as you please

where does it say he cheated on her?

OP said that he cheated on her

Wow, it doesn't say that at all!

I don't know where I got that from.

Wait, she did say it?

Now I'm confused!

He's being an arse. But I would also find "your" place to take them. There's lots if beautiful beaches and villages.

YANBU

BUT

What other holidays have your kids experienced?
Other countries?
Other cultures?
Other languages?
Other cuisines?
Other climates?

Take the opportunity to take them somewhere different each year to broaden their minds