to think it's unfair how women hold all the cards in a situation like this?

[chickendhansak]

Yes I know there are plenty of deadbeat dads who don't step up, don't pay anything, barely see their DC, treat them as an inconvenience. Been there, got the tshirt etc.

But for the ones who do...the ones who want to spend as much time as they can with their DC, who pay all they should (and more), it still feel like they get the sticky end of the lollipop. Seeing the kids on Xmas and birthdays only if the XW agrees, missing out on all the everyday stuff because they can't see them every day. And having to the possibility when the XW starts a new relationship, of some bloke getting to spend more time with their kids than they spend with their own father.

I don't know what the solution is, I just think it's bloody hard, especially if it's the woman's decision to break up the family in the first place.

OP, I thought he saw them every other weekend?

Birthdays are a day like any other ... Mine wouldn't know unless I told them tbh. They can be spoilt any time you like

Only too true. There is a little too much being attached to dates on the calendar.

One year we moved country close to my dd's birthday, so she had two birthday celebrations that year, one with her friends and one on her birthday, a win-win situation

I don't agree it is 'just another day'. It isn't as far as DPs DC are concerned, nor my own tbh.

And if it is so insignificant, then why not just let him see them rather than be so obstructive and rude about it?

And yes, he does see them every other weekend. Birthdays have fallen on her weekends so far.

as has been said. Men are just as capable of forsaking their income and career as women but they choose not to.

You cannot use the excuse that you don't see your kids everyday because you are working.

either foresake the income or the time with your child.

If the nrp was so hung up about doing all the everyday stuff then they would have done it pre split.

Maybe I'm wrong but I take from this that you are angry at women in general? That's how it sounds. Any time with your child shouldn't be classed as "scraps" and you could also see it from the angle of "I'm this childs primary care provider and dad wants to waltz in and have him on Xmas day" I know that's not what you are saying, before you have a go.

You are applying a situation personal to yourself and your XP to every other woman who cares for her child and that really isn't the case.

I'm not angry at women in general. I'm angry at the X and women like her because of the pain they cause whether out of spite or malice or whatever. If she had the DCs interests at heart she'd be happy to let them see their father on alternate birthdays or Xmases, not even for all the day but part of it.

It's hard not to see it as scraps when, over Xmas for example, he's only seen the DC on the 27 or 28 when they're completely overtired and overstimulated after 2 or 3 days of festivities, and certainly not in the mood for more presents or to do anything much.

Eustasiavye. My dh was prepared to give up his career and income and be the RP.

His ex was not, but she was awarded residency purely because she is the mother. Dh had a better parent-child relationship as he did most of the childcare.

Even if a bloke does step up, he's seen as the poorer parenting choice. Even on here, it's always assumed that it's the father in the wrong.

Dh was broken to lose residency of his children. But it is automatically assumed the mother is the better choice for main carer.

Personally I think that should be challenged. Fathers should have the right to remain in the family home, keep custody of children and be paid maintenance. It never happens unless the mother voluntarily gives up her rights though.

So why don't you do Xmas 2 weeks before? They'll defiantly be in the mood for presents then!

Dh has never had his dc for Christmas, since the split 14 years ago. He has them Boxing Day. This year his ex is taking them away.

It is a big thing not having them for actual Christmas eve/day. You can try to replicate it before or after, but it's not the same. Two Christmasses takes the magic of Santa away a little, evertone knows he only comes one day a year :).

OP has he actually asked to see his kids on their birthdays?

Ds's birthday last year (his first) didn't fall on exH's access day. I waited for him to get in touch about it - nothing.

This year it's still not on his access day. He's still more than welcome to see ds - and nothing.

The year it'll be on the access day is actually a leap year, meaning exH won't see ds on his birthday until he's 10.

I can guarantee you exH is telling anyone who will listen about his crazy exW who blocks access.

It's simply not true. Access takes effort, moaning about access doesn't.

When you grow up you find out Santa's not real! Then as you get older you find out the person who you've had children with doesn't love you - that then means you can't spend everyday with your children like you thought you would when they were born - that's life - it's shit!

We all have to deal with it everyday!

Rights and wrongs aside, I think the OP is wrong to get so invested in to feelings of antipathy towards this woman.

I can only hope my x's partner isn't naive enough to believe every thing she's told about me, and if she does believe it, I hope she's directing her energy in other directions (ie, not in to caring about me and 'women like me').

I agree with you socially , it's much easier to feel sorry for yourself, garner sympathy etc than it is to take a long hard look at your own life and what real sacrifices if any you've EVER made for parenthood.

In a case where the parents split it should be about what is best for the kids, not the parents. Its hard but the kids come first. Of course it benefits the kids to see both parents a lot (in most cases) but its not about keeping the parents happy.

Yes, as I said previously, he has asked to see the children during their birthday weekends (not even on the day itself, the day before or after) but their mother said no.

I am not naive or stupid. I know my DP and the situation well enough, and have enough independent information to know that the views I hold of her and the situation are entirely justified.

fedupbutfine

Considering you have at least 10 additional forms of birth control over men, do you not think in all that time you were with your partner you could have done something different to avoid getting pregnant? It seems you have a lot of options open to you to make sure that you're the one deciding if or when you should fall pregnant.
In addition I don't think a child cares to think where the money is coming from, only that they feel safe and secure. Perhaps it is actually you that feels hard done by with the loss of support?
Of course, this doesn't just apply to your personally but any woman who thinks about having children. It's clearly not a decision to be taken lightly.

2014

It wouldn't cost him much to go back to court to sort the birthday and christmas situation. He could easily represent himself. It's not a difficult thing to do.

Bloody hell ZOMBIE THREAD

yep lol

The reality for a lot of decent men is if their wife decides to split, they're left basically with the scraps. The days of the week she doesn't want them, 27 Dec because she wants them over Xmas, maybe New Years Eve if she's got a childfree event to go to. I haven't seen that happen to a decent parent tbh.

My dp has at least 50/50 care, usually more because his ex can't really be arsed with their son. It's becoming more usual to start at 50/50 but in my experience, parents who couldn't be arsed to do their fair share prior to a split can't be arsed after a split.

Oh ffs why do people reactivate zombie threads? So fucking annoying.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Oh ffs why do people reactivate zombie threads? So fucking annoying.

Hey, it's my first time here. What can I say?

@OddFodd you don’t have a clue, what a dangerous misguided comment to make, my husband has spent almost £50,000 at court and has gone back multiple time’s and has Friday to Monday every other week.

He has desperately tried to get more but his ex wife point blank refuses, goes against court orders, regularly turns her phone off so he can’t speak to them and tells them he doesn’t care and he doesn’t miss them. She has moved another man in and forces the children to call him Daddy.

He pays the mortgage on the ex wife’s house (no Mesher order) and over and above the cms payments for the benefit of the children. We are currently putting a new case together to go back to court, looking at another 15k plus.

How many poor men can actually afford this? We’re flat broke and I’ve used my redundancy money to help but the pots empty!
Do you realise that every time the resident parent doesn’t comply with the order the non resident parent has to pay to go back to court!
50/50 would be a dream but he has to work long long hours so I would do a lot of the mundane childcare until he comes home, which she refuses. (I’m a long term wife with 2 siblings for the children)