to think it's unfair how women hold all the cards in a situation like this?

[chickendhansak]

Yes I know there are plenty of deadbeat dads who don't step up, don't pay anything, barely see their DC, treat them as an inconvenience. Been there, got the tshirt etc.

But for the ones who do...the ones who want to spend as much time as they can with their DC, who pay all they should (and more), it still feel like they get the sticky end of the lollipop. Seeing the kids on Xmas and birthdays only if the XW agrees, missing out on all the everyday stuff because they can't see them every day. And having to the possibility when the XW starts a new relationship, of some bloke getting to spend more time with their kids than they spend with their own father.

I don't know what the solution is, I just think it's bloody hard, especially if it's the woman's decision to break up the family in the first place.

Them's the breaks I'm afraid. If you don't live with your kids.... well, you don't live with your kids!

Of course you're going to miss out.

I have custody and I work full time. And I earn more than exH but he still has to pay maintenance.

He's one of those who would rather stare into the bottom of a pint glass and tell anyone who cares to listen about his evil ex wife who stops him from seeing his kid, than actually put his pint down, get off his backside and actually make an effort to see his kid.

He missed his first birthday. Which was my fault, evidently as I didn't tell him what our plans were and make sure he was included.

So there he was off down the pub again "drowning his sorrows".

He's a cretin.

Micah. Why would he go for residency? Why would he not want 50/50 care? It's not unreasonable to force children away from their current resident parent.
Did he go for 50/50 or was it all or nothing for him?

micah

I'm sure they do award residency to the vast majority of mothers...but not always ( that is based on the one and only case I know of though )

Because they couldn't afford two houses. One of them had to move in with their parents while the other kept the family home. Until he met me dh's overnight access was his (additional needs) son in his parents spare room, his dd on a camp bed in his parents room, and him on the couch.

He was one of the resident parents. She did force him away from them- she asked him to stay at his parents for a couple of nights to give her some space, and never let him back in.

I wonder what her side of the story is Micah I'm sorry but I cannot believe the shite the next woman/other woman falls for ... I guess you believe what you want to hear.

one point has made me . 'How is it better for a 50/50 split when one parent is at work and one isn't?'

erm how exactly is the resident patent going to get money then? Erm well most people get a job. Is the suggestion here that working parents are somehow bad? absolutely shocking 1950s nonsense.

dh does 50% and this would continue if we split up.

Shenton :).

If you want to believe in a misguided fool, fair enough.

It isn't shite though. Dh didn't actually tell me much, their children's godparents told me they'd gone round to see if she was ok and take the kids some presents, and found him in there. Then it all came out in the divorce hearing, she admitted it. The judge and barristers actually said she had no grounds to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour, but as dh was happy to do it that way (rather than him divorce her for infidelity) it was granted.

So if you think a court is lying and fabricating for my benefit, fine. But sometimes the mother is the baddie, you know.

Oh and dh actually thought she was a good person and a good mum, and he was a terrible husband until it all came out in the divorce.

Micah unfortunately on MN it is very rare for anyone to accept a divorce isn't caused by some failing on the mans part. Because of course a woman couldn't be to blame.

Like you, I have plenty of independent confirmation as to why DPs X ended their marriage, but I'm still told I'm deluded...because no woman would ever just walk away from a reasonably happy marriage apparently (even though men do it often).

because no woman would ever just walk away from a reasonably happy marriage apparently

I didn't know that was mumsnet philosophy? My philosophy is that if the love is gone and not likely to be recuperated, that is a good enough reason for separation. And there are good and bad in every social group.

However those of us whose children's fathers did not step up to the mark, know that that is not what they tell friends, relatives and love interests.

Yeah I remember all those cards I held! There was the "never have a night out" card, the "having to run a 3 bedroom house single handed" card, the "having to take unpaid leave every time they were ill" card, the "my relationship are his business because I am raising his bloody children for him" card...

Yes it also is yet another simplistic judgement you are making OP...

Yes of course there are fantastic Dad's shit mums.

One of my good friends his ex walked out on Children and him and she has dropped in and out of DC life every few years between boyfriends.
This is one case I can quote , I can quote many stories of myself and some of my friends whose Dads have let them down, friends whose partners do very little but partners who are hands on.

I do believe their are rubbish wives as their are rubbish husbands but even the judge in our case said you will have to bite your tongue mrs Shenton as you listen to lies being told of you in this court, even they know how much bollocks gets spouted.
I am faced with the only way to force my ex to be a responsible adult is to dump his kids on him, I just don't think I could do it to them though ??

There are good mothers and there are bad fathers. Good RPs and Good NRPs.
But I do have to say, there is ALWAYS more than one side to the story.
My ex is fine, very helpful in fact, he doesnt work at the moment and so will often be my daytime childcare during school holidays. He wasnt unhappy to agree to CSA taking a portion of his earnings, which albeit extremely small, do help, because every little does. We get on fine and contact is usually EOW because I work full time Mon-Fri so I need a weekend and he needs a weekend. The kids go to school during the week and I live closer to the school and am anyway, 90% responsible for arranging any childcare, school trips, dinner money, dress up days etc. etc.
We rearrange contact as appropriate due to special occasions (Sometimes meaning we each get a day at the weekend for two weeks and then resume). We rarely disagree about the kids now we have moved on emotionally from each other, so there is no bitterness and I dont begrudge him not doing more, it just is as it is and the kids are fine.
I do know that sometimes, if asked why he doesnt do more, my ex has said to others how I am an evil ex and control his time with them. I actually think he would be mortified if he found out I knew hed said these things because it simply isnt true, but I understand that he may sometimes feel the need to supply a no self blame reason to someone in order to seem a better father, he IS a good dad. But you know what people are like.

Hes had a new baby with his partner of two years now and has a stepson. It certainly doesnt seem that my children begrudge their step/half siblings getting to live with their dad. At least not yet, they are very happy they have a new brother and sister. Ex often leaves our kids with his partner if he goes out during his contact time, rather than rearrange this with me. Thats absolutely fine by me and I appreciate her willingness to form an extended family with us (she has offered before to have kids on sick days etc. whilst I work).
Sounds like you need to leave your DPs relationship with his ex up to him OP. If youre choosing not to get involved with eachothers children then what arrangements they have is none of your business. TBH I would hate my ex to have a partner like you, so judgemental! My exs partner was also a single mum and even she seems to roll her eyes when my ex tells porkies to make himself seem good.
As for not living with anyone else after splitting, what a lot of potential love to miss out on! I am happy when my children are cared for, kissed and played with their stepmother. Their dad is also very pleased my (not moved in yet) boyfriend is such a lovely man and shares the same hobbies as DS.

What a bitter existence to have, OP, all about who has more or who has less.

Yabu. Either parent can have or be given residence of the child. A mother may end a relationship in the interest of the child as well as her, eg constant arguments etc.

Residence tends to go to whoever is primary carer, which tends to be the mum.
I have residence of my child, this is due to me having always been primary carer, plus I work part-time and desparately wanted to have dd. I've suggested to my ex on many occasions that he could work part-time and see more of his child but he doesn't want to. He sees her one day each weekend as is his right. I'm not going to give up the other weekend day for him when that's my right to have.

I'm far from bitter. I have wonderful DC who I appreciate I am lucky to have living with me the majority of the time, I'm in a relationship with a terrific man, and I am financially secure. What would I need to be bitter about? :)

I adore my DP, and seeing the pain being separated from his children causes, missing out on certain events because their mother is too selfish or ignorant to even enter into a dialogue, makes me sad. Given that she has everything she wanted (him to leave, the house, ample maintenance, the DC most of the time) I don't understand why she, and other women in her position, can't concede an inch. Surely DC should come first? That's what I've always done, hence never stopping mine from seeing their dad whenever he wanted to, despite him being an arse.

I think you also need to balance out..Yes there are bitter women out there who make contact difficult...

But you do have to consider the people who were in abusive relationships but can't prove it. DEad beat parents who swan in and out of there lives. Of course the children should come first but in my expereince there are many NRP who do not do that fight over maintenance so having a child has no financial impact on their life. Want access when it is convienient and doesn't interrupt their social lives . Not all NRP are like this but there are many of them.

agh I meant good mothers and bad MOTHERS * not a Freudian slip I promise!

I think this has been asked before, but I didn't see an answer.

How long has your DP been separated from his ex. It seems very odd that none of the children's birthdays have ever fallen on his contact days.

That is the issue with her but plenty of women are not like that. I have had to force my DD to phone her dad, have spent large sums of money taking her to the country he lives in or paying for his flight to come here. How I am holding all the cards?

Maybe your title should have the qualifier "some women".

I asked that, marcopront but the OP hasn't answered that one yet.

I thought I'd answered, but can't scroll back on my phone to check.

They split almost 2 years ago. The birthdays were on Xs weekends both last year and this year, as they will be next year. I think he worked out it will be another 2 years before either is on one of his days.

Really? I know several doctors (hospital and GP), two vets, a number of teachers, a management consultant, a fairly high-flying civil service person, two barristers, several university lecturers/managers who do 4 days a week. Some do compressed hours (5 days work in 4 days), so don't even drop in pay.

I think those are almost all public sector and/or self-employed. To be fair, those groups do include a lot of people.

Birthdays are a day like any other ... Mine wouldn't know unless I told them tbh. They can be spoilt any time you like

I agree with shenton - I alway have a birthday week! All the celebrations haven't got to be exclusively on the actual date anniversary of their birth!