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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? MIL tension

56 replies

delilahrose2014 · 17/11/2014 15:44

Hi,

This is my first post. I think I'm looking for advice really. Sorry if it's a bit long!

I feel like my MIL is trying to undermine me, upset me and cause friction between myself and my husband - she is succeeding! She is very discreet, and only says things to me when I am alone, so I do wonder if I am being oversensitive.

It all started when I got married, I invited her to help me chose my dress and organise the wedding as I was conscious she does not have a daughter so this would be her only opportunity to do this. Everything I suggested she told me she didn't like, she told me I was selfish not to invite all her extended family (we were on a tiny budget so only had 20 people in total, none of my extended family came either). After me showing her my dress, she then informed me that she wanted to wear a white lace dress (like mine) to the wedding and she also planned on wearing a tiara as well. This upset me, I asked her not to and she burst into tears telling me that I was "ruining her special day". My husband got involved because I was upset, and this lead to more friction.

I am now pregnant with our first child, she keeps telling me about how I need to be careful about what I eat as "there is nothing worse than a fat person". She has also told me that I am selfish for deciding not to breast feed and she hopes it's a baby girl because she hasn't got a baby girl yet. She has told me I have a lot to learn about parenting (I know I do) and will be in for a shock. All of these comments are really upsetting me. Despite this baby being planned she said that it is because her son is so fertile (ew!) that I feel pregnant, and suggested he "wraps it up" so it doesn't happen again, this makes me uncomfortable.

Myself and my husband have saved some money for the pram, cot etc... and are excited about buying these bits. Again, when alone with her, she has told me that I am selfish to spend this money, and the baby doesn't even need a cot, it can sleep in a travel cot. She would never dare say this in front of my husband.

I have been hospitalised a few times with hyperemesis, so have taken some time off work, she keeps turning up unannounced, when she knows my husband won't be in to 'check up on me'. I have asked her to call ahead to make sure I'm awake / not got my head down the toilet, but she never does. Last time I appeared I asked her why she didn't and she said she didn't think, but not to tell my husband she had popped in. He then asked her about it and she said she was just passing so I dropped in. She never asks how I am but just about how the baby is progressing and suggesting baby names to me.

Is it in my head?!

OP posts:
OraProNobis · 17/11/2014 15:50

Nope - she sounds like a bit of a passive aggressive twat - but I'd have to ask you - WHY are you spending any time alone with her? I wouldn't. Then if she had anything to say she'd have to say it in front of her son. I think if I were in your position I'd really cut down a. time spent with her and b. anything of importance being said to her.

Sn00p4d · 17/11/2014 15:51

Nope, she's a prize arsehole.
Although what you can do about it I'm not sure, where is ur dh in all of this, does he know what she's done/said to you?
I'm not much use but Flowers

Sparkletastic · 17/11/2014 15:52

She's sounds unbelievably awful. Welcome to MN.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2014 15:54

Some people get very strange around babies births and weddings and go back to normal later my late MIL. Some people are controlling and toxic and you need to have really good boundaries. Which do you think your MIL is...

FinallyHere · 17/11/2014 15:55

Congratulations and all the very best.

P.s. Don't answer the door.

123rd · 17/11/2014 15:55

Next time she just happens to stop by right don't answer the door or don't invite her in.
I have a similarly delightful MIL and I really try not to alone with her. I will I fact walk out of the room if left alone with her. Horrible situation but less stressful in the long run

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 17/11/2014 15:59

Lock the front door and switch off your phone. Do not answer door bell. If she says anything then no, you were definitely not in. Keep doing this. If you are left on your own with her, walk out of the room. Do not take her shopping with you. Just keep her completely at arms length. If she cannot behave then those are the consequences.

Purplecircle · 17/11/2014 16:00

She sounds hell! Avoid or go No Contact

If she has a key then you need to get your DH to ask for it back, make sure the door is bolted or at least the key is in it when you're home alone.

averylongtimeago · 17/11/2014 16:00

She sounds bonkers! What type of woman [other than the actual bride] wears white lace and a tiara to a wedding??
I think you need to cut down on the time you spend alone with her - you say she calls round when you are off sick, how does she know you are there? Can you not be "out" and not answer the door?
If she does start to criticize, ignore her, change the subject, and don't ask her opinion about things.
What does your DH say? does he know what she is like?
BTW, you havn't given her a door key have you??

lem73 · 17/11/2014 16:03

No the wedding dress fiasco should have told you not to expect much from her. Don't take her stupid comments personally and do keep her at arms length. You were incredibly thoughtful to invite her to come along to choose a dress. She really has spoiled an opportunity to develop a close relationship with her dil. I think she'll get worse when the baby's born but just make sure you set firm boundaries and learn not to take her silly comments to heart. In the meantime can you disconnect your doorbell so she doesn't disturb you?

mummymeister · 17/11/2014 16:03

what you have to think about is what it is going to be like when the baby arrives. if you think she is a royal pain in the bum now just imagine this magnified. you need to sort it out now. if you don't feel strong enough to tell her to back off then just refuse to engage. your wedding, your pregnancy, your life, your way. are you quite young OP?

Didactylos · 17/11/2014 16:05

i want to wear a tiara and white lace dress to 'my special day' Shock

shame you didn't have it out with her then eg. 'what, are you getting married?' no, didnt think so....

what did she wear just out of interest? Grin

suggest - no time alone with her, and no discussing things. Reponding to any suggestions with a polite, non committal platitudes ' oh really, interesting' and if she mentions her sons fertility again 'eww, bit inappropriate, mil'

LurkingHusband · 17/11/2014 16:07

MiL starting to be around with nobody else there - along with the other incidents you mention ???

Instant red flag. Because it allows MiL to spin whatever narrative she wants about your conversations to other people.

This was a classic trick of my MiL. Luckily MrsLH had already picked up on some incidences of untruths, so didn't fall for it.

MiL used to try and booby trap conversations by telling me not to talk to MrsLH about something, and then telling exactly the opposite story to MrsLH with the understanding "it's just between us" - obviously a challenge from either of us would have proved we "collaborated".

ddubsgirl77 · 17/11/2014 16:07

Stand your ground tell her straight that you & your dh WILL be buying a cot etc and it has nothing to do with her.

OnlyLovers · 17/11/2014 16:12

She sounds awful and bonkers. What has your husband done about it?

Lock the door and don't let her in when she wants to 'pop in' (what happens when she turns up and you're not awake/being sick? Do you drag yourself out of bed or away from the loo to let her in? If so, screw that).

When she tries to tell you you're selfish or there's nothing worse than a fat person, stand up for yourself and tell her she's rude and you won't put up with it. Tell her to leave your house if she can't be civil.

dottytablecloth · 17/11/2014 16:13

Speaking as someone who has real MIL issues, believe me it will get 100 times worse when the baby comes.

I bit my tongue for almost 18 months about the way my MIL was acting and it caused me real distress.

Do NOT accept her behaviour. Call her on it every single time. Do not allow her to speak down to you or make you feel inadequate.

Most importantly, do NOT ask for her advice on any aspect of parenting ever. I know his may sound harsh and excluding, but your MIL sounds like a twat (like mine) and this is the only way I can get through.

MsMsMsNOTMRS · 17/11/2014 16:15

Like many MILs on MN, mine incl, she has to BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Lottapianos · 17/11/2014 16:15

No OP, you are not oversensitive in the slightest. She sounds really dreadful, one of those mothers who treats her son more like a husband and can't quite accept that he is now an adult with a partner of his own.

You need to put up some firm boundaries though - no more answering the door to her when you are alone, make sure that your DP is with you at all times. She's just taking every opportunity she can to undermine you and make you feel inadequate. So make sure you don't give her the chance. It sounds like you have tried to be very kind and considerate with her and she has taken advantage of that. No more. You owe this woman nothing.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/11/2014 16:16

Please tell me she hasn't got a key? If she has, remove it from her immediately!

dottytablecloth · 17/11/2014 16:20

My MIL developed a habit of stalking me dropping in unannounced when I came home from work so as she could see ds.

Trust me, the last person I wanted to see when I'd just had a hard day was MIL.

The last time she 'dropped round' I told her she wasn't coming in as she hadn't been invited. She was furious and had to drive all the way home with the dinner she had made for us. I didn't care remotely, I've told her time and time and time again not to cook and bring food for us as we always meal plan bit she just ignored me.

People probably think I'm awful but they don't have my MIl. I really can't stand her.

Original poster
delilahrose2014 · 17/11/2014 16:22

Thank you for all the advice. My DH tries to keep out of it as it causes friction. He knows how I feel about her, but for some reason I decided not to tell him too much in the hope things would blow over. I was wrong I'm conscious it's my word against hers. I will just not answer the door, I'm sure this will be good practice for when the baby is here.

She wore pink in the end, and had a face like a slapped arse!

OP posts:
Deedeecupcake · 17/11/2014 16:32

I am sorry but your DH needs to grow a pair of balls and tell your mother to back the fuck off. He should have told her that from the start with the wedding dress fiasco. Because he hasn't pulled her up on anything properly, she thinks that it's ok for her to carry on behaving the way she does, so why should she change her behaviour.
As we get older and move on with our lives the people most important to us change, now you and your bump are the most important people to your husband and he should be protecting you.

OnlyLovers · 17/11/2014 16:38

I agree, he needs to man up.

MonstrousRatbag · 17/11/2014 16:38

Tell your DH everything;

Tell someone else, too-have an ally so you don't feel alone with it all;

Also tell your DH 'keeping out of it' is not an option: she's his mother, he's in the middle of it and ultimate he has to be the one to deal with it;

Don't bother seeing her on your own any more;

No one truly knows what they are in for when they have children, but we all manage. Bear in mind your MIL doesn't know what you're in for either-she's only an expert on her own children's upbringing, after all. You haven't met your baby yet, none of you has any idea what joys and challenges s/he will bring. So don't let her treat you like a rank amateur to her expert.

puggywug81 · 17/11/2014 16:43

Poor you, she sounds demented! Being pregnant does make you more sensitive but from what you've described you have every reason to be upset.

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