AIBU? MIL tension

[delilahrose2014]

Hi,

This is my first post. I think I'm looking for advice really. Sorry if it's a bit long!

I feel like my MIL is trying to undermine me, upset me and cause friction between myself and my husband - she is succeeding! She is very discreet, and only says things to me when I am alone, so I do wonder if I am being oversensitive.

It all started when I got married, I invited her to help me chose my dress and organise the wedding as I was conscious she does not have a daughter so this would be her only opportunity to do this. Everything I suggested she told me she didn't like, she told me I was selfish not to invite all her extended family (we were on a tiny budget so only had 20 people in total, none of my extended family came either). After me showing her my dress, she then informed me that she wanted to wear a white lace dress (like mine) to the wedding and she also planned on wearing a tiara as well. This upset me, I asked her not to and she burst into tears telling me that I was "ruining her special day". My husband got involved because I was upset, and this lead to more friction.

I am now pregnant with our first child, she keeps telling me about how I need to be careful about what I eat as "there is nothing worse than a fat person". She has also told me that I am selfish for deciding not to breast feed and she hopes it's a baby girl because she hasn't got a baby girl yet. She has told me I have a lot to learn about parenting (I know I do) and will be in for a shock. All of these comments are really upsetting me. Despite this baby being planned she said that it is because her son is so fertile (ew!) that I feel pregnant, and suggested he "wraps it up" so it doesn't happen again, this makes me uncomfortable.

Myself and my husband have saved some money for the pram, cot etc... and are excited about buying these bits. Again, when alone with her, she has told me that I am selfish to spend this money, and the baby doesn't even need a cot, it can sleep in a travel cot. She would never dare say this in front of my husband.

I have been hospitalised a few times with hyperemesis, so have taken some time off work, she keeps turning up unannounced, when she knows my husband won't be in to 'check up on me'. I have asked her to call ahead to make sure I'm awake / not got my head down the toilet, but she never does. Last time I appeared I asked her why she didn't and she said she didn't think, but not to tell my husband she had popped in. He then asked her about it and she said she was just passing so I dropped in. She never asks how I am but just about how the baby is progressing and suggesting baby names to me.

Is it in my head?!

YADNBU, she sounds extremely irritating and has said/done some unforgivable things (wedding dress debacle... Breast feeding nonsense). I also thinks she knows she's saying silly things or she would say them in front of your husband, but she doesn't want to be challenged. You sound lovely and I doubt you want to be rude. She DOESNT owe you anything, exactly, but she DID bring your DP into the world and, if they're at all close, you wouldn't want to get in the way of that (I'm always amazed at the number of people who say you should just tell her to stick it!).

The rest of the things she's said, as far as I can tell, are incredibly annoying but not deal-breakers. In the face of such things, I mostly find nodding brightly or acting vague and leaving the room does the trick. I don't see why things should get worse when the baby arrives (especially as your DP sounds very supportive): I would suggest acting as though any sub-text is lost on you: just be cheerful and polite and keep your distance as much as possible. E.g. "I'm sure you're right, s/he could just sleep in a travel cot, but we've seen this lovely cot so I think we're going to go with that. Doesn't it look nice?" If your husband is willing, use him as the excuse as I always do!: "I agree, but Mr Edit just loved this one, didn't you darling?" I think it's fine to get on each other's nerves (it must be a rare MIL/DIL who don't one bit), but better not to burn any bridges.

But don't answer the door if she drops round unannounced!

I don't know, edit, that all sound a bit passive-aggressive to me. I think getting things out in the open is a better way to go. And using the husband as an 'excuse': I don't like that at all.

YANBU

You need to distance yourself. Don't answer the door, don't pick up the phone if you know it is her and it isn't convenient. Caller Display is vital!!

Whatever you do make sure DH never gives her a key!!

DH does need to stand up to her though - she sounds like a dreadful bully. You also need to think about a strategy for the birth and the initial weeks. I don't want to worry you but my overbearing MIL managed to bully her way into the delivery room when I was having contractions!!

DH has to tell her what is and isn't acceptable.

If she keeps offering parenting advice just smile and say "Oh well, we will enjoy finding our own way."

She will react badly but you really need to stick to your guns here or she will take the shine off what should be a very happy time for you.

Good luck.

delilahrose I think you've had some very good advice on here. I would say exactly the same. And I have an amazingly nice MIL!

The important thing for you to remember is that it is not your fault your MIL had no daughter to plan a wedding for, so you should not feel you need to compensate for that. You were kind to involved her in YOUR wedding and she tried to take over and wanted it to be her big day.

You are in possible danger of her doing the same with your pregnancy and baby! She said she did not have a girl! She won't have one this time either, YOU will either have a girl or boy. Many first time parents are quite new to babies and parenting, make sure you find out things yourself and build up your own knowledge, and I would agree, do not ask her advice. She will only abuse that, by the sound of it.

Likewise I would tell AH you do not want to talk to anyone about baby names until the two of you choose, then tell her firmly you and your DH have decided that you will not discuss baby names until you decide. Ignore her suggestions and if she starts talking about it just remind her that topic is off limits. If you do not, you may find you are pushed into her choice or that you decide against a nice name because she likes it!

Have some phrases ready to use for any topics you do not want to discuss a subject.

Onlylovers, I wouldn't use Mr Edit against his will! It would always be something minor we both agreed on; but he can do no wrong in his (very nice) mother's eyes, so in the interests of avoiding tension, sometimes it's better to emphasise that HE likes something (too). OP's MIL might well be passive-aggressive, but I would prefer to avoid an argument, myself, and perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt. (OP must ignore this if she disagrees, of course!)

edit, no, I know, but there's something about it that I don't like. Maybe it feels like 'ganging up'. Anyway, you sound very tolerant. I wouldn't put up with this kind of thing!

PS for some reason 'Mr Edit' is making me giggle.

You have a lot to learn about parenting.

'No more than you had to learn when you had your first'

Call her on every single thing, every single time. Do not let her get away with snide remarks. There's no need to be confrontational, just a simple 'what was that?' Or 'can you repeat that?' Every. Single. Time.

She wants to mother your baby, she has made that very clear. You need to put your boundaries up NOW so she knows what to expect. Decide what you want and make it common knowledge NOW. Only DH at the hospital. Time to bond as a family and for you and DH to get to know your baby so she doesn't think she's moving in for a month after you give birth. Therefore visitors will be invited for short periods while DH is on paternity leave. Admission by invite only and for an hour (or whatever suits). You will be emotional after the birth OP so be prepared and do not let her ride roughshod over you. DH gets on board now and he is the one to tell her.

You're going to have to protect your child so now's the time to start doing it. There's absolutely no need to be alone with her - I assume your DM doesn't call round to impose on your DH when he's home ill and needs to rest? If you don't expect him to do this for your DM, then why should he expect you to do it for his?

You need to stop spending so much time with her.

and stop discussing things with her (such as buying cots and buggys, or whether you are going to bf or not) you are giving this crazy woman too much information! (and information is power)

you need to nip this in the bud now! before she becomes a crazy and obsessive Grandmother who demands access to your child!

delilahrose sorry, DH, I mean "Likewise I would tell DH you do not want to talk to anyone about baby names until the two of you choose..."

I am so sorry you have been hospitalised. Please look after yourself.

I agree 100% DH needs to be supportive.

hamptoncourt you said You also need to think about a strategy for the birth and the initial weeks. I don't want to worry you but my overbearing MIL managed to bully her way into the delivery room when I was having contractions!! Oh my, that is terrible!

delilahrose my strong suggestion is that extended family are not told when you go into labour. That extended family are told when baby arrives and are given clear times when they will be received at the ward or at your house. Also no one comes to stay in your house at the time of your new baby's arrival, unless you want them to. The first couple of weeks are a very special time and you simply do not need the stress of this. Please make it clear that if you allow visitors at your home they should come for SHORT visits, e.g. a cuppa and a chat (and they make the cuppa)! If people have come a long way etc then that is their business, you are not required to offer lunch or put people up or any of that nonsense! Be strong, your baby needs time with you and DH not relatives that early on. You might not be able to avoid people who might want to meet the baby but you can avoid too much contact.

I do think that things can get worse when a baby arrives, people can feel they need their bit of time etc and might fee a bit put out if they don't get it, or so I have heard. My mum and in-laws were fab so I am not speaking from personal experience.

Oh cross posted with Angeltattoo and agree absolutely, You need to put your boundaries up NOW.

delilahrose, when I said some set phrases, I meant, when you said......

She keeps telling me about how I need to be careful about what I eat as "there is nothing worse than a fat person" -

This is hugely insulting and none of her bloody business so I would either say
"I really do not want to talk about what I eat/thank but I don't need dietary advice/I think I am old enough to make my own food choices now, (insert her name here in a rather smug way)!"

I would not be nasty, because she may 'report back' to DH and if she were to do so accurately you probably would want what she says to be truthful but not necessarily offensive. So if you say something clear and a little bit cutting but not rude she has no leg to stand on to keep going or to 'report back'!

If she says you are selfish for deciding not to breast feed - I would tell her that is your own choice. Personally, I think breast feeding was totally wonderful and am a big fan. It was so much easier than bottles and was lovely. So if you decide to do it just go ahead, do not feel you need to avoid it because she likes the idea of it!! It is your choice.

If she tells you that you "...have a lot to learn about parenting" Smile and say "That's why it's so great to have the internet, we can now find out all kinds of useful information so quickly nowdays."

If she suggests of your hubby that he "wraps it up" so it doesn't happen again" I would make a face, as if to say "Oh bloody hell how utterly offensive and INAPPROPRIATE" and simply say "That's not really a topic of conversation I'd like to explore with you at the moment, (insert her name in a rather smug way)."

If she says you are "...selfish to spend this money..." Just say "We can decide what our baby needs, we are making all our decisions after we have thought about it a lot together."

Don't get caught up in long conversations. Say your bit and move away and try and avoid being alone with her.

Definitely do not open the door if you are alone.

I think it is better to be polite but also to be clear, you are on to her, she is horrible to you, you will cut off her power by not allowing her to get at you. You need to be strong. You can be.

She wanted to wear a white lace dress and a tiara to her son's wedding?

" My DH tries to keep out of it as it causes friction."
Totally the wrong tactic for him to take. When he hangs back, his mother will take that as unspoken approval. So in fact, by doing so, he encourages her behaviour and actually ends up facilitating ever more friction.

You need to change your tactics too. Everything she says to you, repeat to your husband. No secrets!

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt that no secrets is good. Hopefully, if you can be in the room with her only when DH is there then he will get to hear it all anyway.

delilahrose your MIL may come round and be nicer once she realises she cannot control you or make you feel bad. She may feel bad. She may feel jealous that you have a wonderful life ahead of you with her 'little boy', your dh!

But that is the way of the world, the new generation moves on and does their own thing and she can be a part of it, just not the main part, and not the decision making part.

When you are really feeling strong you may feel it is appropriate to let her know you feel she feels on the edge of your family, or whatever, she could be an important part, a nice part, but only if she gets on board and realises that now you and your Dh are the ones making the decisions.

But really if you are pregnant this is probably not the time for long debates, try and get on an even footing together and just make sure you get what you want. If she comes round and asks how she can genuinely help you might wish to explore a better relationship together. But be aware that this should be something you feel comfortable with and you need DH to be supportive.

This has been really helpful, I feel better about things now. If she does anything else I will make sure I tell my husband and also start to stand my ground.

I really need to get this under control before the baby comes along as I'm not having her ruining the labour or our first few days/ weeks as a new family. It will be our baby and our rules.

my mil is not allowed in out house unless my dh is home...I suggest you make the same rule

Channel your inner tiger-mother. You aren't doing it just for yourself now, but for your child.

Onlylovers sorry I misread - you mean I am passive aggressive! Yes, I probably am! But one person's assertive is another person's aggressive; just as one person's "ganging up" is another person's "supporting each other". I suppose I just see it as saying in a friendly but firm way that this is OUR household, OUR baby and OUR decisions. Same as everyone else is saying, really. It's just that OP's MIL didn't respond well (or permanently) to her putting her foot down over the wedding dress, so maybe she speaks my language. I'm definitely not particularly tolerant; I would just do almost anything to avoid a row, especially one that could impact permanently on my DH's relationship with his mother. I think I must come from a very passive aggressive line.

brilliant advice here love! hoping you're feeling as empowered as you now sound.

edit, no, you're probably very tolerant, and definitely much more so than me. I'd rather go for confrontation – in the sense, anyway, of calling people out on things I didn't like. If they don't respond well I think that's their problem.

You're absolutely right, this HAS to be gotten under control now.

Suggest you avoid any one-to-one time with her. She hasn't got a house key has she? Just don't answer the door or the phone. It's pretty suspicious if she's like this only on your own.

It will be hell if you don't get boundaries laid down.

You also need to speak to your husband from now on. Tell him the problem(s) and make sure he's on your side. He's in an incredibly difficult position but he needs to choose his wife over his mother. That stuff about the wedding dress makes it sound like, as another poster put it, she wants to be the one married to him.

She doesn't have a key, and never will!

Do you know what will really annoy her? Smile nicely to everything she says and use the words "we", "us", "our" and "together" a lot about you and dh.

For example:

We have decided to buy our baby the cot we decided on together.

We can't wait for our baby to arrive.

Basically emphasise that dh and your baby are your life, not hers.

Very immature and passive aggressive, but you aren't being rude so she can't moan to anyone about you!

Disclaimer: this probably isn't the best method and is actually quite mean, but I bet her face would be worth it

Dear, dear. She sounds like a nightmare on stilts and, like a tantrumming toddler, you need to get some very, very firm boundaries in place FAST.

no no no to hoping she's going to be a lovely mummy-type person: she's specifically coralling you off from your husband to drip poison over you. She is not your friend, she does not wish you well, she is not concerned with your welfare.

It is NOT GOOD ENOUGH that your husband doesn't want to get involved. He IS involved: this is his mother, you are his wife: you come FIRST. He needs to get his act together and stop pretending this isn't happening or that he's 'in the middle'. He is not in the middle, he's firmly at YOUR side, not hers.

I would generally advise restraint with any MIL relationship but if she's bursting into tears that she can't wear a lacey dress and a tiara ON YOUR WEDDING DAY then, my dear, there is absolutely no hope. You're just going to have to manage her with rods of iron from now on in. Preferably by moving away (I'm not exaggerating).

DelilahRose2014 - how did you get on with your MIL in the end? She sounds EXACTLY like mine! Though u seem to have nipped it in the bud earlier than mine. Mine bought a white dress for our wedding that was more expensive than my dress then told everyone and spent the night before the wedding telling all the guests inc. bridesmaids that tomorrow was 'all about her and everyone would be looking at how amazing she looked!' . It's been a nightmare since we had a baby and DH gave her a key to our house .

How are u getting on? What did u find worked/ didn't work? I hope u r enjoying being a mum and r getting on better than we r!!

It's like you married my exH! My MIL was (probably still is) like this. The advice here is good. Particularly refering to 'us' 'ours' etc.
Enjoy parenting your way and best wishes!