AIBU? MIL tension

[delilahrose2014]

Hi,

This is my first post. I think I'm looking for advice really. Sorry if it's a bit long!

I feel like my MIL is trying to undermine me, upset me and cause friction between myself and my husband - she is succeeding! She is very discreet, and only says things to me when I am alone, so I do wonder if I am being oversensitive.

It all started when I got married, I invited her to help me chose my dress and organise the wedding as I was conscious she does not have a daughter so this would be her only opportunity to do this. Everything I suggested she told me she didn't like, she told me I was selfish not to invite all her extended family (we were on a tiny budget so only had 20 people in total, none of my extended family came either). After me showing her my dress, she then informed me that she wanted to wear a white lace dress (like mine) to the wedding and she also planned on wearing a tiara as well. This upset me, I asked her not to and she burst into tears telling me that I was "ruining her special day". My husband got involved because I was upset, and this lead to more friction.

I am now pregnant with our first child, she keeps telling me about how I need to be careful about what I eat as "there is nothing worse than a fat person". She has also told me that I am selfish for deciding not to breast feed and she hopes it's a baby girl because she hasn't got a baby girl yet. She has told me I have a lot to learn about parenting (I know I do) and will be in for a shock. All of these comments are really upsetting me. Despite this baby being planned she said that it is because her son is so fertile (ew!) that I feel pregnant, and suggested he "wraps it up" so it doesn't happen again, this makes me uncomfortable.

Myself and my husband have saved some money for the pram, cot etc... and are excited about buying these bits. Again, when alone with her, she has told me that I am selfish to spend this money, and the baby doesn't even need a cot, it can sleep in a travel cot. She would never dare say this in front of my husband.

I have been hospitalised a few times with hyperemesis, so have taken some time off work, she keeps turning up unannounced, when she knows my husband won't be in to 'check up on me'. I have asked her to call ahead to make sure I'm awake / not got my head down the toilet, but she never does. Last time I appeared I asked her why she didn't and she said she didn't think, but not to tell my husband she had popped in. He then asked her about it and she said she was just passing so I dropped in. She never asks how I am but just about how the baby is progressing and suggesting baby names to me.

Is it in my head?!

I would also stop telling her anything that she could use against you. You were nice to include her in your wedding planning and she showed you that it wasn't worth your effort then, so from now on, vagueness rules.

'We'll just see how we feel when the baby's born'
'We're not sure yet - there's plenty of time to decide'
'I'm sure we'll manage, like all new parents do'

Don't volunteer any information, don't tell her anything you don't have to (so probably nothing) and if she asks you a direct question then just say 'We haven't made a decision yet' and close the line of questioning down. You need your husband on board - he cannot absolve himself of the responsibility for dealing with this and leave you to tackle his mother on your own, especially once the baby is here as you will need to be an impenetrable team.

Make sure you keep a diary of all these things.
They will seem very small to your DH but when he sees the whole picture it will be far more compelling.

Thanks there's some really good ideas here!

The diary is a good idea. But I might look petty keeping a little black book? Might have to just risk looking petty tho as its better than the alternative.

Im definitely going to try talking about 'us' 'together' 'me and DH as a family' ive said similar things in the past and actually it did stop her comments at least for a little while.

We're on holiday at the mo and today she sent us a photo of our garden from the babys bedroom in our house! Why is she in our house? DH says she's done some washing for him and is probably just dropping it off and it's a great help to us. He says he can't get the keys back as that's not how his family works. He did say he's gonna ask his brother for advice tho.

I swear this thread is creepy! My MIL did EXACTLY the same things at my wedding. She bought a white lace dress and I asked her not to wear it and she said she 'wouldn't stand out as mother of the groom' if she didnt . She instead wore black lace and made the day miserable for herself..

Im now pregnant with our first baby and she is doing the same things as the OP's MIL!! She too has two boys and said she hopes for a girl as 'she has never had a girl' and she is heavily dictating our choices of name (we haven't told her any) and keeps commenting because we are not having a nursery and 'the baby will have no where to sleep'!!

Add that to the manipulative and abusive emails, the crying down the phone, the fake over doses and threats to hurt herself, the nasty comments about DH and his brother when we go to family events...

My DH DOES tell her to go fuck herself though, he knows she is over bearing and manipulative so he argues with her when things come up and tries to stop her getting over involved in his life now he is married, so I just step back and watch it all unfold. Its awful and draining sometimes...

She's not actually being very subtle or clever, so you can definitely call her on her outright rudeness. It's not as though you have to slyly get her to trip up: she's marching right over you, and in a way, that should make it easier to refuse!