To be fed up of being told to 'relax' and then I will probably get pregnant?

[Hurricaneinateacup]

Arghhhhhh.
Ttc for two years.
Several failed ivf attempts.
Considering giving up.

On finding out we are giving up lots of people have said 'oh well when you relax it'll happen.'
Er no. Dh has about 10 viable sperm, they struggled to find any to use the first cycle. I'm pretty sure it won't matter how relaxed I am.

I know they're trying to help but really, FFS. If you needed to be relaxed to get pregnant no one would ever get pregnant during ivf.

I found the comment that stung the most was 'you don't have to have a baby to be a mum,' I felt like this friend was trying to tell me to give up. Just when I needed people to cheer me on, she'd decided it wasn't going to happen and if my friend didn't believe in me - who would?

It's such a difficult time. You hang in there girl. Xx

There may be some truth in it for some. It took 3 years of ttc to get pregnant in my case, except after the first 2 years I pretty much stopped checking dates obsessively, temping etc and never sought medical help. I was letting nature take its course when it happenned :) My mum got pregnant out of the blue with me after about 14 years of marriage. Again no intervention, just getting the timing right by accident.

I used to get 'i'm surprised you havent started a family by now!' - that one used to really piss me off! (From a friends mum at their kids christenings and birthdays grrrr)!

Good luck btw OP x

It was one of the most irritating things about ttc. I used to want to scream at them to eff off!! Along with "my husbands, friends, grannys, daughter relaxed and it happened for her"

I guess these days I might be one of those friends, cousins, daughter etc in someone elses story!

I tried (all methods, all failed) to get pregnant for 15 YEARS! less than a year after being told there was nothing more that could be done, I fell pregnant - and again 2.5 years later. Then, despite having never used any contraception since then, I have never fallen pregnant again.

Who knows why? and frankly who cares? It irritates the hell out of me though that people still say (16 years later) "oh you must have relaxed then".

These days I just roll my eyes!

Good luck for the future OP x

I get this a lot off a family member and ive told them it winds me up but they still insist on saying it. As ive pointed out, I didnt start with thermometers and ovulation tests, I just stopped using contraception for four years without really timing it before I realised there was a problem, I was very relaxed about it. It turns out I only have half a uterus and pcos being relaxed or not has had nothing to do with it

YADNBU. I posted a similar thread in 'interfility' the other day. We've been trying for 2 years for our second DC and are now undergoing various tests etc. I get the some really helpful comments too, the latest being that I should quit my job and then I would definitely get pregnant. (Coming from a friend who just announced she was pregnant with her second after 2 months of trying).

People are so insensitive sometimes, and it irritates / upsets me that people seem to think they know the answer to fertility problems (and it implies that it is your own fault your not pregnant).

I find also people seem to think that because we've had one we can have another with no problems and the 'stress' comment is amplified. It's hard enough to deal with infertility without thoughtless comments like that from people!

YANBU. 2 years trying, known medical missues to blame, finally succesful ivf resulted in DD, and heard this all the time. Then through some freak of medical science, conceived the next one au naturel and had to hear the same smug prats basically saying ' I told you so'.

If you stop trying it will happen'. This phrase should be on the list of Things That Excuse Violent Beatings
^ This, so very much.

I feel your pain and your annoyance OP, ttc long timer here also considering just giving up.

Unlike your situation - we don't have any issues, don't need assistance etc... It just won't happen.
The Dr has even asked us ''Are you actually doing it right?'' He obviously meant are we monitoring my cycle and timing it correctly but his stupid question got him a bit of a rant from me.
I know my own ovaries/womb/cervix/CF/temps, better than I know the back of my own hand FFS! so YES we are doing it right.

So it's the husband's fault? Have you tried IVF with his sperm then?

Would you consider using someone like his brother as a sperm donor?

Are you having sex just about every day which tends to be the best way to ensure sperm is always there no matter when you ovulate?

"Are you having sex just about every day which tends to be the best way to ensure sperm is always there no matter when you ovulate?"

With the best will (y) in the world - this can get a bit tiring after 2 years ;)

I don't know Hurricane.

I did have a friend who was told by her fertility consultant - for both her and her husband to lose weight, and get healthy, and there would be no problem. They were in their 40s.

They duly complied.

It was very patronising, of course.

But it worked. And she got pregnant twice.

I don't know if that helps you or not x

I should add, my friend's experience was for a natural pregnancy, not IVF. I don't think they were told to relax particularly.

Weirdly, I was "very healthy" when I got pregnant with my son, at the time, we're talking macrobiotic food, very healthy and delightful but a bit strict for the uninitiated.

I wasn't "trying" and son a surprise.

Yanbu. I hate this. It places blame-that the reason you can't get pregnant is because you're not relaxed enough, that its somehow your fault. And how is telling you to relax going to actually help you to relax? If only relaxed people get pregnant, how are babies conceived in the middle of wars/famines?
We spent 4 years ttc until we got lucky with ds. It was very tough. the othother two nuggets I hated were-it will happen some day and it will happen when you least expect it.

I certainly also endorse being a healthy weight for both of you too. I always got pregnant in one or two goes and it might be due to that, eating paleo etc etc but I think here it's been established her husband has sperm problems so IVF is the solution if the husband wants his genetic child or his relative if you want a close DNA match to the husband or anonymous donor.

Why on earth are you telling people that you are trying? No wonder they feel they can comment. If you don't want people to comment don't raise it. What do you think they should say out of interest?

I only say anything if they demand to know why I'm not having a baby. I don't raise it at all otherwise.

However you find when married that everyone is suddenly very interested in you reproducing. I used to just say vaguely 'maybe soon' but two years plus of disappointment and failed fertility treatment now makes me more blunt.

I'd say that was rather unhelpful actually, bonkers. Try and have a little empathy. When a couple are together a while, they might get married, they might not, time goes by, they think "I think the time is right to start a family", people ask them "So are you two lovebirds going to start a family/do you want children?" etc and they say "Oh yes! one day!" or "Yes, we'd like some children before long," and they then get the wink wink, nudge nudges. Time goes by...and more time....and more time....no baby....the questions keep coming.....

Tell me, how would YOU deal with the questions from close friends and family?

youareallbonkers because people ask, don't they?

New boyfriend? Are you moving in?
Living together? Are you getting engaged?
Engaged? When's the date?
Oh you're married, when are you having kids?
Oh, your DC is 2 yo now, when are you having another?
YOu've got two kids, is your DH having the snip?

Don't know what the next question is though.

I can't say I'm not guilty though. I have been known to ask if you'd like to have a child some day... that's basically the same isn't it.

Yes we know when I'm ovulating. Every 28 days. Very regular cycles.
My Bmi is 21, dh's 24 so we aren't overweight. Eat healthily live well. I don't drink or smoke dh drinks about once a month.

Still very very infertile.

Sorry you're having a shit time OP. I expect people say it because they don't know what to say or it is something that they've heard people say as with a few pp but it isn't helpful, at all.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Life can be shit sometimes and people can be insensitive twats.

I don't discuss private matters with other people unless I accept that they might make comments I don't like. People saying it will happen when you relax is because that IS what has happened to many many people. As I asked what are they supposed to say? They are trying to be supportive when not knowing what else to say.

BTW I don't know ANYONE who would ask questions like that

I actually think it's better to say a) nothing b) sorry to hear that c) that's a bit shit.

Those are all viable options. 'Sorry to hear that' is probably the best. Rather than offering suggestions. Do they not think we've tried for god's sake?!

I've had complete strangers ask me questions exactly like that.