To be fed up of being told to 'relax' and then I will probably get pregnant?

[Hurricaneinateacup]

Arghhhhhh.
Ttc for two years.
Several failed ivf attempts.
Considering giving up.

On finding out we are giving up lots of people have said 'oh well when you relax it'll happen.'
Er no. Dh has about 10 viable sperm, they struggled to find any to use the first cycle. I'm pretty sure it won't matter how relaxed I am.

I know they're trying to help but really, FFS. If you needed to be relaxed to get pregnant no one would ever get pregnant during ivf.

For what it's worth, I got pregnant and had a child during a particularly stressful period in my life. It wasn't IFV, but I'd imagine the same principal applies, being sperm and egg and all that.

It's biology. Pure and simple. Nothing to do with your mood.

Are there other options you could consider, such as a surrogate?

It is monumentally stupid - stress won't help, but relaxing on its own will do fuck all either and telling someone to relax is like telling them not to think of orange penguins. If people can't use their emotional intelligence to say 'I'm really sorry you're going through this, it must be so hard' then they should at least realise that their level of expertise probably isn't going to offer anything that trained medical professionals won't already have mentioned.

Oh fuck, YA SSSSSSSS NBU! It makes me so when I hear this shit. I'm very sorry it's happening to you. What planet are these people on? I don't care if they are "trying to be supportive" FFS! What makes them think "relaxing and it'll happen" will happen to everyone they know simply because it happened for their second cousin's window cleaner's best friend or whatever? No one relaxes and it happens. They got lucky, that's all.

They should clue themselves up and simply say "I'm very sorry you're going through this" rather than trotting out this stupid, patronising, meaningless shit.

God that's so bloody rude of them! I'm quite cross on your behalf actually.

As if they know anything about your situation. Making out it's all in your head and you just need to retrain your mind, maybe get some CBT.....jeez.

Watch out for 'a watched pot never boils' ;)

I particularly hate the relax crap as to me it infers that somehow you are responsible for this

It is pretty much victim blaming.

And i never want to hear the 'my friend's, sister's, aunt was about to go for IVF when she found out she was pregnant' again either.

Yanbu. I had that said to me when I had recurrent miscarriage. "Oh was it because you were stressed?"
"Great, you are saying I caused my miscarriages by not chilling out enough. "

People say rubbish stuff like this all the time. You're not going to stop them. It's better to recognise that your own emotional energy levels are too low to do the "translation" involved here. Where they care but say something stupid and you have to hear the stupid thing and translate it into a clumsily phrased show of concern. Time to tell the people close to you not to say this kind of thing, avoid the ones who do and just be very plain with the randoms. Pointing out what people are actually saying (I caused my own miscarriage?) can be v cathartic.

Yadnbu!

It is right up there with people saying that your mmc is 'common'.

Hope you get happy news soon.

YANBU, I wanted to punch people that said that to me...oh really but I'm enjoying being so stressed out all the time!!

I did find that people who suggested this easy solution to my fertility problem were particularly ignorant about conception and pregnancy. When it was helpful childless friends I did hope think perhaps they won't find it so easy when it's their turn.

YANBU. I hate it and I would never ever say it. Having experienced (and experiencing) infertility myself it's something I am very conscious of. It's unhelpful at a difficult time and I personally believe untrue in the main - otherwise no one living in difficult circumstances (or, as pointed out above, having IVF) would ever get pregnant.

But I think it's something people say sometimes when they have no personal experience of infertility (and no imagination to work out it might be an unhelpful comment) and/or when they feel uncomfortable and want to offer some positivity and hope.

I hope it happens for you.

People actually say that?

I thought getting pregnant when your relaxed meant: getting drunk on holiday and forgetting to use a condom.

No I know it's such bullshit. Just something people say to shut you up if you talk about fertility problems. I hope you get some luck and it works out.

if it's any comfort I was wound up tighter than a watch spring when I did IVF and it did work. Relaxing makes no effing difference.

Oh god opal I got that as well! Recurrent miscarriage is an opportunity to have your entire lifestyle audited for you by anyone with a fucking opinion and a lack of control over their gob. I have a chromosomal abnormality, good luck relaxing your way out of one of them.

I get this and it's the most frustrating thing in the world - right up there with 'if it's meant to be, it'll happen' and the rage-inducing 'you can always adopt.'

I've been ttc for 18months. I have fertility issues. It's the hardest, most heartbreaking, relationship-testing thing I have ever experienced. And they are the best sentences people can come up with.

To begin with I just smiled and nodded. Now I answer 'well realistically it might not happen. And we were very relaxed when we started trying. For a whole year we didn't know there were problems and nothing happened. So actually, it stresses me out.'
It's kind of mean to say but it stops people waffling meaningless shit at me

*disclaimer - I have only told a handful of friends we're ttc so have only said this to people who I know well. With strangers I just say me and DH aren't ready yet and hope that shuts them up

YAMDNBU. I had a nurse today say to me at a pre-op assessment 'I won't do a pg test on you today, you never know what will happen in a week'. Err I just told you that I require double-donor ivf to have even a whiff of a chance of getting pg, after trying for over a decade, including standard ivf. Don't be so flipping daft!

Good luck op, it's really disheartening when people say that, it's like it's dismissing everything you've been through. For what it's worth though, they have found that unless you already have issues with, eg, blood pressure then stress really has no bearing on the outcome.

YANBU at all. However I hope you don't find it patronising if I tell you that DH and I had two failed rounds if IVF (PCOS on my part; low motility and morphology on his). It very nearly destroyed us. We separated for a while but then got back together accepting that it was unlikely that we'd have children. Neither of us was keen to try IVF again. We were no longer trying when I became pregnant soon after, and again a couple of years later.

I sincerely don't want to piss you off further but it could happen one day. I agree though, it's certainly not a case of simply relaxing.

We start our first round of ivf in jan and have had two years of MIL asking if we have actually been trying hard enough, 'yes MIL we have but as your son has a 0 sperm count no amount of shagging is going to get me pregnant!' she still blames me and thinks i haven't been relaxed or eating the right things ect ect. She just won't have it that her sons testicle's don't work. Every time I see her I get told it can't be DP as he and an EX had a termination, well yes that was 10years ago and I really don't want to keep hearing about it!!!!

People are so bloody insensitive.

OP I wish you all the best and I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles so far. Look after yourself

And the award for the least helpful post of the day goes to... HappyAgainOneDay

Congratulations!

YANBU. It's like saying, 'You're too uptight to have effective sex.' Because TTC is the most relaxing experience in the world...

YANBU. Unfortunately people talk utter bollocks sometimes without meaning to.

YANBU but I must say it was the relaxing that worked for us. Finally saying "f*ck it, this is our life and how is it going to be" led to a baby within a year.

But it's hard and it's hellish....

YANBU at all. When a person is medically infertile no amount of relaxing, stopping trying, or going on holiday will help.

My sister asked me if I was ovulating when I was on holiday - whether I am or not, my tubes aren't going to suddenly unblock because I'm in Mexico!

As others have said, it's the cr*p people come out with when they don't know what else to say, but boy it makes you feel lie it's your fault.

(Trying for 3.5yrs, 2 IVF, one failed, one miscarriage).

Ha ha. I had this. If I'd relaxed much longer, I wouldn't have my kids.

Yes, this pissed me off. Also "oh, you should consider adoption" which made me think people think you ring up and order a baby from social services.

If there's a medical reason for not conceiving and you're having IVF (people have mentioned blocked tubes/low sperm count) then of course 'relaxing' isn't going to fix things.

But do the people who say this really know you're having IVF and the reasons for it?

IME it was 'true' (although obviously may have been coincidence). We caught pretty much straight away with ds1, no particular 'trying' involved, just stopped preventing. We decided we wanted another close in age when ds1 was about 4 months so started TTC again...but because we wanted a close gap we started trying 'properly' - monitoring my periods and ovulation, doing it at the right time and all the rest. After 3/4 months I was a bit concerned as nothing yet and over the next year I worked myself into a state because I was convinced that there was something wrong with me after ds1's awful birth. I was on the brink of booking in with the GP to see if I could be tested when I got pg.

We got pregnant after 15 months of trying, and the month it happened was when dh's mother was staying with us ( ) and we were so busy with running around after her for various reasons that we didn't have time to focus and plot my hormones and do it on the right days. I didn't even know how far I was because it was the first two months i'd not recorded my exact period for nearly a year and a half and I couldn't for the life of me remember.

I do tend towards thinking that the removal of the pressure and stress of trying and doing it 'right' contributed to getting pg. I have also relayed this story in rl to a friend who was TTC, but it was meant in a supportive way and I hope she didn't think I deserved beating to death for sharing my experience with her

Obviously if someone knows there is a medical problem then it's a very insensitive thing to trot out, but it's usually meant to show support rather than anything else I've always thought.

i can also see this from the other side, as it is actually what worked for me in the end, and if i hadn't been told by someone it may not have happened.
i think it's sad to immediately assume people are simply being insensitive or thoughtless, and that their advice is crap, as it is not just some old wives tale. also it can be very hard to know what to say, i do not think anyone is trying to offend or irritate you, but quite the opposite, they just are responding the best they know how, especially if they aren't aware of any other fertility issues you may be dealing with.
i had been through a stressful time, was borderline depressed, extremely anxious, and of course when we were ttc (and had one chemical pregnancy) it became an added stress. during this stressful period i had started showing all the signs of low progesterone (commonly caused by stress) and then had this confirmed. we decided to just try to improve my mental health first and stop trying for a bit as it was getting me down, and the next month all the signs of low progesterone had gone and we conceived. OBVIOUSLY it wont work for anywhere near everyone, but it may actually help some lucky few. anyways good luck if you decide to try ivf again, it is very hard to know what to say to someone even if you have been through it yourself. just remember most people have good intentions :) god knows its kept me calmer thinking this way!!