Lack of card or present from husband and kids

[Fedupmuch]

Today was my 40th birthday. Husband failed to buy me a present or get me a card and also failed to organise getting the kids anything for me. His lack of effort on occasions has been a bug bare previously and he knows it bugs me. I appreciate he might not want to spend loads of money on something I might not like but am I unreasonable to think he could have organised cards, shoved a terry chocolate orange in the trolley when in the supermarket yesterday?. Ps I organised my own birthday party as I knew he wouldn't.

I'm not surprised tbh. It's a horrible way to live :( I wish you all the strength you need to leave x

I think this is a much bigger issue than birthdays.

Do you feel that he values you?
Do you think he sees you as an equal?
Do you change your behaviour to avoid a negative reaction from him?

I wonder if you should start a thread in Relationships as I think birthdays is a symptom not the real problem.

Fedup, it sounds to me more like he hates having the attention on you for a change. And he puts you down? The one person in your life who should build you up??! Hmmm...I wouldn't stay x

He doesn't like attention on himself though. I don't understand his problems. He does get depression which he claims he doesn't need medical help for. This is likely to contribute to his moodiness and maybe unreasonableness.
No one would be aware this is the case though as he's still happy to go out partying and have a great laugh with his friends.
I'm not qualified to deal with all his issues though and don't believe I should just shut up and put up.

He claims he loves me, I believe him but he makes me feel like he doesn't.

That's so sad Fedup. A partner should make an effort and show you their appreciation from time to time.
Especially on occasions that matter.

Why can't he see that?

Why the hell is putting you down?

Oh well op. Stick to your plan. Hopefully your dh will end his self centred, stubborn and immature ways or you find happiness without him.

if someone loves you then they show this by doing the things that make you happy. not the things that make them happy or that they agree with or anything else. that's how it works. He clearly cant be arsed. along with the word "sorry" saying the words " I love you" but not actually showing it - these are the two things which really, really wind me up. you don't want him to be "sorry" you want him to understand how much it means to you. you don't want him to say "I love you" you want him to show it in a way that means most to you. good luck OP. I think you need to have a good hard think about this and whether or not you are prepared for this every birthday, valentines day, mothers day and Christmas for the next 30+ years. only you know how big a deal it is.

I certainly don't feel like an equal and do change my behaviour to avoid fallouts.
He makes mountains out of mole hills and is sometimes just downright rude. Last week for example, no fallout and after a day out at work he just tells me he doesn't want to talk, just wants quiet. Sometimes I'll talk about something random that happened in the day and he'll just say " to be honest I'm not interested".
Feel like Shirley Valentine needing a wall to talk to!

After loads of crap he's put me through he always blames my low opinion of him for continuing crap behaviour. I'm actually very forgiving but it's hard to forget shit like Mother's Day for example when the next occassion is just as crap!

Hi MrFedUp

It was my birthday the 16th as well. Not a milestone. I got a couple of books, a couple of cards from DH and DD and a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday. I was in tears (DDs speech isn't great so it was a big deal).

There's something called Google calendar (I believe there are paper examples too) which allow you to do next to no planning or thought at all and still come up with something.

I also went to China this year with my Mum. This does not preclude presents. DH did the childcare. Or 'was a parent' as it's known in this house.

Smooches

MrsTP

p.s. Happy Birthday OP.

As said above, its not just the birthday is it? its everyday, not participating, not caring, dominating... I have lived this, & believe I should have left at least 20 years ago. Don't feel sorry for me, but do take a look at your life & know its not going to improve, can you, & do you want to, live the rest of your life like that ?

FFS! It's not a "gift" to look after hot children whilst DW is on holiday. It's called being a parent.

So now its your fault when he is in a crap mood or behaves badly.

This starting to sound more like Emotional Abuse

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

He treats you badly and then claims its your fault. He ignores you and belittles you. It doesn't sound a very happy place for you to be.

*your not hot. Damned silly small phone keypad

Sometimes I'll talk about something random that happened in the day and he'll just say " to be honest I'm not interested".

How breathtakingly rude.

OP, it sounds like he treats you like shit all year, not just on birthdays.

I used to have a husband like that... used to... no more of that crap for me and I'm so much happier.

When I read the first few posts I thought it might be a case of two people with different "love languages." Yes, I know the phrase is twee and cringeworthy but it's a useful idea IMO. Some people express love by giving gifts, some through language, some through actions like making a cup of tea for their partner, etc. When a couple has different expectations about the expression of love, it can lead to resentment and misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

If someone doesn't really care about giving birthday presents but shows his love and appreciation in another way, then you could just tell him that a card and a gift are important to you and he would (hopefully) take that on board. But it sounds as though the problem is much deeper than that.

Everyone deserves to have a happy birthday. Can you treat yourself to something nice?

This isn't just about your birthday...this man does not respect you. Staying with him isn't your only option, you know.

Agree there are deeper issues than the birthday. Do you feel strong enough to tackle everything else op?

Red flags beginning to sprout for the OP as far as I'm concerned. OP, even without any plans for the future, try to keep a log of each bit of selfishness or disrespect or putting down moments shown to you - like being told that he'd not interested in a small incident in your day. Just dates and incident. In a few years time, it will be immensely useful.

Would it be any use to suggest several times a Christmas present that he could get for you? Good luck.

the problem is happyagainoneday if the OP suggest a book or a plant or a gift for Christmas then yet again it is her sorting out her own present. she has told him clearly that she wants him to sort something out and he just wont. if she does suggest say a book and he buys it, will he be bothered to wrap it? will it make the OP feel any better? I don't think it will.

Only the OP can decide if this is the last straw. if she does there is no point logging down how crap he is. there is a point in spending her time and energy sorting out what to do and how to do it. no one knows what the end of the line is because each of us has a different length line.

That's seriously mean.

But don't be stubborn. Buy yourself a nice present.

But don't be stubborn

The OP is not the problem here!

Oh, Fedup, there's clearly more to this than just an 'ignored' birthday - so sorry

I think you may need to ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship and what your H is adding positively to your life.
Be very kind to yourself - I think buying yourself a Nice Thing would be entirely appropriate, but not the solution to what's going on in our marriage by the sounds of it.