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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lack of card or present from husband and kids

99 replies

Fedupmuch · 16/11/2014 23:22

Today was my 40th birthday. Husband failed to buy me a present or get me a card and also failed to organise getting the kids anything for me. His lack of effort on occasions has been a bug bare previously and he knows it bugs me. I appreciate he might not want to spend loads of money on something I might not like but am I unreasonable to think he could have organised cards, shoved a terry chocolate orange in the trolley when in the supermarket yesterday?. Ps I organised my own birthday party as I knew he wouldn't.

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/11/2014 23:53

No you're not being unreasonable O.P.
It would not have hurt him to make some effort.

BumpAndGrind · 16/11/2014 23:54

What a thoughtless twat .

Happy Birthday OP

Original poster

Fedupmuch · 16/11/2014 23:58

Thanks everyone. I welcome the honesty although the responses have actually made me cry at the realisation of how unappreciated I am!.

OP posts:

Pipbin · 17/11/2014 00:01

What an utter arse. I wouldn't lie to your friends, I would let them know. Hopefully someone will call him out on it.

Canyouforgiveher · 17/11/2014 00:03

not unreasonable at all. My otherwise lovely dh did the exact same thing to me. We were away with my mother/family on a holiday on the day (my birthday present which was being shared by him and kids) and also my lovely best friend arranged to send me a parcel to arrive on the day so it was a nice day but basically he blanked it.

He said happy birthday but no card, I had to buy my own cake (for the kids), no present and no cards organised from the kids who were too young to do it themselves. I had made a reasonable and nice fuss for his 40th a few months before.

The lack of cards from the kids bothered me the most - when we look back on our lives he was going to have a bunch of lovely cards from his children and I was going to have ... sweet f all -because I organised it for him but he couldn't be arsed doing it for me. A normal birthday fair enough but I did think a 40th would have warranted some small effort. Tbh at the time I was stunned at how little effort he made - as in none.

Anyway I waited till we were back from hols, we went out for dinner and I explained to him calmly exactly how unappreciated and disregarded I felt. In fairness to him he took it on board, apologised and birthdays since then, while not exactly extravaganzas have always included cards and a present.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 17/11/2014 00:04

what happens at xmas time? do you get a gift then?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 17/11/2014 00:07

:(. It's a bit of a crap time to be dealing with the reality of the situation, but if he can't pull his head out of his arse for your 40th he's never going to. He hasn't listened, he doesn't care enough to do it for you, to make you happy even if it's not his thing. He's not doing his best for you or your children... It's not about a card or a present, it's about what it represents, especially after being told. Look at what he's modelling to your children - mummy doesn't matter :(

3boys40 · 17/11/2014 00:12

my dh got me prescription sunglasses this year. They are not essential apparently. I think we just have unimaginative husbands. I can buy myself whatever I like but it isn't the same. yanbu and I hope you had a good birthday anyway.

RudePepper · 17/11/2014 01:11

SarahCraine · 17/11/2014 06:20

Oh, that's sad. He could have taught your kids to make personalized cards, or even just a simple letter for their mom's special day. I hope they're going to give you a surprise party next year.

ApocalypseThen · 17/11/2014 06:33

I think you need to be very clear with him. This is not good enough. I don't subscribe to the theory that adults should ignore their birthday - it always ends up with the careless, lazy, sloppy and uncaring partner not reciprocating effort with the kinder partner. And it's a terrible example to children to show that some family members are invisible and you don't need to make the effort for them.

Very badly done by him, and he should know it.

Glastokitty · 17/11/2014 06:38

That's so joyless and mean! Go and kick him in the balls from me.

Happy Birthday OP

Stupidhead · 17/11/2014 06:46

If people ask what he got you then Tell them, don't cover for him!

My first bday as a single mum was weird (not that 'he' ever bothered much). My phone had broken so I had no messages, I wasn't on FB and I was feeling sorry for myself but the DCs had made cards and the older one bought me a bar of chocolate and let me watch (insisted!) Columbo all day

Happy belated birthday anyway!

LindyHemming · 17/11/2014 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 17/11/2014 06:58

It is horrible. I think you need a serious talk to him about it.
for yesterday.

Mehitabel6 · 17/11/2014 06:59

Everyone needs to feel special on their birthday, especially a big birthday.

shutitweirdo · 17/11/2014 07:02

I could have written your post back in August but I took it into my own hands. My husband sounds just like yours but if I nag him the weekend before he will make cards with the kids. I now enjoy taking the kids out so they can buy me presents and treats and he misses out. Someone once said flowers still smell the same whether you buy them or he buys them. Accept what you know and let it go. Hard when all you want is a thought.

LizzieMint · 17/11/2014 07:03

My friend had exactly the same for her 40th - not a card or a present. The excuse from her DP was that he'd paid for her party, but she, like you, wasn't expecting much, just a token something. Or a card, at least! It very nearly split them up because it brought to the front how completely unappreciated she was by her partner. When you are already feeling like that, to have nothing for your birthday is just an additional kick in the teeth. They've been through counselling and are trying to make it work but it's been a pretty tough time.
Are you unappreciated in other ways? I just can't fathom how a grown man could not stop and think, is my DP going to be hurt by this?

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 17/11/2014 07:07

If it's important to you it should be Important to him to acknowledge it.

Very dismissive. Don't lie about what he got you to friends be honest. Serve him right.

londonrach · 17/11/2014 07:23

Yanbu how mean of him. Forget his next year. Happy birthday xxx

MillieMoodle · 17/11/2014 07:33

Poor you . I know that feeling well. My DH doesn't "do" birthdays, although he's quite happy for a fuss to be made of him on his birthday. For my 29th birthday I got nothing, not even a card and he didn't make a fuss of me even. It was just like any other day. I made it clear that for my 30th I was expecting a card and a present, and for him to do all the usual stuff around the house. He did get me two lovely presents and a card, although he cut it very fine indeed, ordering both presents two days before my birthday. He acknowledges that he was damn lucky they arrived in time!
I would make it clear that you are expecting a hell of an effort next year to make up for this year. I hope you had a nice day despite it all.
Happy birthday

MisForMumNotMaid · 17/11/2014 08:47

Happy belated birthday.

In the knowledge that he's really bad at birthdays you've got to take some responsibility that he didn't make the effort/ wasn't left clear instruction. Some people need things to be spelt out and this sounds like one of those times.

At 7 your eldest is easily old enough to understand that people like to be appreciated and could have been left with pens and paper and produced a card, even if this was by you.

This is the sort of thing that can niggle away at you if left to fester. It really isn't your not loved and appreciated - don't over analyse that. It is just that some people are a bit indifferent to birthdays, actually thats their personality flaw. It just isn't a reflection on how they feel about you.

If you don't have plans for one day this weekend (maybe Sunday to give them Saturday to get organised) why not announce you're planning for them to throw you a belated family party for just you, your H and DC. Tell them you want them to put on a party tea/ organise a meal out, home made cards and a gift from each of them. You expect a lie in in the morning, flowers and chocolates. Knock this on the head. Don't let it become a big thing or allow it to just go away. They've let you down, let them make it up and don't let forgetting be something that happens again.

Original poster

Fedupmuch · 17/11/2014 09:23

The thing is I did spell it out to him and he still chose to ignore me spelling it out to him!. I don't want to celebrate my birthday after the event I want to celebrate it on my birthday.

I'm not leaving pens for my kids to make me cards. That is what I'd do for my husbands birthday not mine. Husband claims he'll make it up to me but on the basis that I didn't get so much as a bunch of flowers when the kids were born, last Mother's Day was effortless. He got in at 6am on Mother's Day from a night out with friends and stayed in bed until 2pm.

I'm not going to involve him in my birthday celebrations or Mother's Day anymore. I'm just going to celebrate with friends or kids.

I gave husband link to thread. He claimed not to have time to read it and said it would be all one sided. To give both sides I have a holiday booked with a friend paid for by money parents have me next year. I think he thinks the childcare he'll be giving me excuses not bothering with card or present.

OP posts:

BringYourOwnSnowman · 17/11/2014 09:33

Well your dh is totally unreasonable. Common courtesy means you acknowledge a birthday. When it is your wife more than common courtesy is expected!! And remind him that looking after his children is not childcare being given to you! What a jerk to even consider that's a reasonable argument.

However, my kids (same age) are well primed and get very excited about birthdays. Dd is already planning the cake she and daddy are making (my birthday is next but not for another two months). Ds asked me the other day which flowers I like at the florist. We talk about our birthdays and I tease the kids with 'are you gettibg me a fast car?' But it does mean that when it approaches it is the kids nagging dh rather than me!

500Decibels · 17/11/2014 09:42

Op I think that's the best approach.
Make your own plans with the kids but I would still try to get dh to do something. It will be a bonus if he does but not a loss if he doesn't.

I used to send reminders to dhs phone if I expect him to make an effort. It's not ideal but he also is one who is not into occasions but he knows now and realises it's important to get the kids involved.

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