Lack of card or present from husband and kids

[Fedupmuch]

Today was my 40th birthday. Husband failed to buy me a present or get me a card and also failed to organise getting the kids anything for me. His lack of effort on occasions has been a bug bare previously and he knows it bugs me. I appreciate he might not want to spend loads of money on something I might not like but am I unreasonable to think he could have organised cards, shoved a terry chocolate orange in the trolley when in the supermarket yesterday?. Ps I organised my own birthday party as I knew he wouldn't.

Well maybe he might consider that if the thread's one-sided that's because he's unequivocally in the wrong. And of course he's perfectly at liberty to put forward his own position and persuade us otherwise.

Are there any ways in which he does express his love and respect for you?

The 'childcare he will be giving' comment is astounding. He is their father, not a babysitter.

I think I would be giving him divorce papers on his birthday then. He clearly thinks above cooking and cleaning after him then you are of no importance to him.

FWIW Dh and I don't do birthday's, but we always make sure we give each other a card and a card and small gift from the children.

I have never posted this before but LTB. It truly is the thought that counts. He doesn't need to lavish gifts on you but a home made card, a cake and making you feel special on one day a year is too much for him?
Him watching his own children so you can have a break for a few days is not a gift! For most people it is a sanity saver. Being a parent is a hard job and everyone needs some time to themselves now and again so they can be better at it.

I feel truly sorry for you OP. Have some

ok - I'm not one for celebrating birthdays. DH and I would generally do very little for each other's birthdays if left to our own preferences. If I was married to someone who was a birthdayzilla I might feel a bit aggrieved if they tried to insist that a fuss be made - y'know, not respecting my feelings and all.

OTOH DH and I are kind and thoughtful towards each other generally eg he will bring me a bunch of (£2) freesias because he knows I love them or a pack of malteasers etc just because as do I. I think this is more important and I do understand how birthdays and occassions can take on more importance where such small gestures are absent/not done spontaneously.

Also we have started to do a little more for birthdays since having DC for all the reasons PPs outlined above. Cards were strictly forbidden (tacky pieces of schmaltzy tat) but since DS started school we have even had to change that as part of encouraging DS to write. I'm pretty sure however that neither DH nor I feel more loved/appreciated etc as a result of this new approach.

What I mean is - birthdays alone are rarely the problem if all else is good.

I hope your DH does find time to read this thread.

Dear Mr FedUp, Yes, this thread is one-sided. There's a reason for that. No one likes to feel insignificant and taken for granted. This isn't about birthdays. It's about caring for someone and doing something to show them that.

Taking someone for granted like this is mean spirited. Even if showing your appreciation doesn't come easily, making the effort is so important."

DH and I don't do cards and presents

BUT

The entire house knows that if I don't get cards from the children (15, 12 and 11) all hell will break lose!!

Sorry about your birthday dissappointment

Should point out that when the children were small if DH didn't get me a card on behalf of the children with their little scribbles inside then all hell would still have broken out

Well the thing is, my in laws don't make much if birthdays, but my family do and my husband agrees that it's better.

Anyway, for his mothers birthday, we went to visit with cards and presents. Brother in law travelled with us and brought his mother nothing. He's 50 years old and couldn't even manage a card. He let his mother run around after him all weekend. In the day itself, we went out to lunch. My husband and I paid (we insisted), but not a cent was fothcoming from brother in law. He also offered nothing when we got petrol.

To me, it's a pattern if entitled, using behaviour that you should not let your children get into. It should never be too much trouble to think of someone else, even just a few times a year of that's all you can bring yourself to do. I'm still disgusted thinking of it, and I lost a lot of respect for him as a person.

Naturally, he's single.

I would feel very hurt if my dh had done this, but he has always enjoyed birthdays, his own included.
I am interested to know how you approached birthdays when you both got together. Was he thoughtful then and now doesn't bother or was it a case of you agreeing with him that birthdays are over rated?
if it is the former then his current thoughtlessness is actually unpleasant.

DH isn't into birthdays and did ignore mine one year. I made if very clear to him that it doesn't matter if he doesn't think birthdays are important - I do. About a week before my birthday he gets told I expect at least a card from him and the DC and a bunch of flowers. My birthday now gets remembered.

Your DH doesn't seem to care that your birthday matters to you and that is the difference. I think you are entitled to read him the Riot Act over this.

Happy belated birthday

What are his good points, OP? Genuine question.

I would be very upset indeed at the lack of care. Absolutely gutted.

What nice things does he do for you OP? Do you ever feel cherished and valued?

DH and i have always been fairly low key on birthdays but I made a big fuss one year. I found what was happening was that as the kids were getting older, they were picking up on the fact that they could do a quick scribbled home made card and that would be enough. No effort was needed to make it nice. They didn't even bother to colour it in nicely. I didn't want them growing up thinking that we made a special fuss of them on birthdays but they didn't need to extend the same courtesy to others. They already think the world revolves around them enough.
DH then ensured they made more effort and now they do it without well only a little bit prompting.

YANBU at all. Happy birthday . I would tell him to get you something or plan something really special for you.

You've spelt out something thats important to you. Its not something that would cost him much in time or money. He's actively chosen to ignore.

I don't think ignoring your birthday is the issue.

for you and some really rotten of your DH and hope he feels ashamed of himself if he bothers to read this thread.
It isn't just an ordinary birthday its your 40th and a card at the very least should have been given to you. Hope you're feeling ok today x

Some people are really shit at present and card giving and it's often evidence of their own selfishness.

My ex-h was similar (although expected everyone to celebrate HIS birthday) and actually, while I expected little more from him, what really upset me was the tears from my dcs who, at the time, were too young to go into town and get me a present without his help. Waking up to 2 little boys who cried because they had only made me a card because "Daddy wouldn't help us with your present" was evidence of just how little my ex-h was prepared to invest in the relationship with any of us.

I'm not actually someone who thinks that adults need to make their birthdays into some sort of huge event but I do think that simple gestures like a card or a modest present is a reasonable expectation unless you have jointly decided that you don't exchange cards and presents. This sort of behaviour is, of course, often the tip of an iceberg.

Bloody hell, its not like you are asking for a lot. How does he treat you day to day if he can't even manage a card and a token present on a big birthday? I feel for you OP. He can't be nice to live with if your feelings mean so little to him.

My husband got me a ridiculously large bouquet of flowers for my 40th because he went to no effort to use his imagination and get me something thoughtful. 6 months before for his 40th I had organised a great hotel and a Michelin starred restaurant and bought him a gift that he will have forever. I had to book my own dinner out when it came to my 40th and he made no effort to make my day nice in any way. It still rankles me to think of it.

My husband is a bit crap about birthdays - and there's been a couple of meltdowns because he hasn't bought a card or anything in one case. He is learning though that it does matter to me - I don't have any family close by, parents aren't alive anymore, so it's kind of down to him. So this year he's made a big effort to book a meal out and buy a present - and he's probably got a card...I had to email what I wanted for a present but at least I know I'm going to get one! But it just isn't his thing without lots of prompting.

If you give lots of prompting and still don't get anything..hmmm not great.

The only reason I am posting is because I am a very non-birthday person. I hate a card, presents, parties, a fuss and sometimes I find the whole birthday thing a tiny bit irksome.

But I would be very upset if on my 40th I got nothing, not even a card and a kiss. And I would always try to manage something for others on such an important day, even if it was a bit, well, er, minimalist.

I wouldn't bother with his birthday by the way ...

Thanks everyone. He has said sorry on numerous occasions but feel it's a waste of time to be honest as he does it on every occassion. Most memorable one being Mother's Day that was ruined.

He is very self centred and never makes me feel special. He is much more gifted in putting me down than paying me a compliment. Really had enough to be honest.