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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very pissed that DH is (what I perceive to be) selfish re DC?

99 replies

Scottishcrumpets · 16/11/2014 23:06

There have been umpteen occasions where I feel like screaming at DH because it seems he doesn't have a clue regarding DC needs. (Nothing major, but just everyday stuff to make things a little difficult)
For example, today we drove for about an hour to a lovely little village to feed the ducks, have a chippy and let the kids choose a special ornament from the Xmas shop to put on the tree when it goes up. So DH went away get the fish suppers, came back without any napkins, knives, or wooden forks to enable the splitting up of the kids lunch. He just though they could split it up themselves with their fingers, but it was bloody boiling. I think I just saw him as a completely selfish cunt, as long as he's okay (and halfway through his lunch when I asked for all this) then he doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Am I just having a crap day and therefore being unreasonable?

OP posts:

TheFriar · 17/11/2014 19:28

IMO it's simple. I've had children within the context of a partnership.
Looking after the dcs all day long during the week and then having to still do it all during the weekend isn't a partnership. It's one person taking advantage if the other.

The good thing about young children, toddlers and babies is that they will let you know very clearly when they are unhappy. They will cry and scream.
The way I look at it is that, at the start, I wasn't good at taking clues from dc1. I had to learn do sometimes he ended up crying whilst I was trying to best guess wharves going on.
I would have no issue with letting DH doing the same, even if it meant that dc would end up with a wet nappy for longer than intended. Because 1- I have fine it too and dc1 didn't die and 2- it's the best way fir DH to learn.

OP yes you really do need to make yourself scarce.
You also need to let him do things his way, try it and see if that works. It might be that it doesn't and he might he more inclined to listen to you. It might that it's working too even if it's different from what you do.
But don't it all!!

Tiptops · 17/11/2014 19:49

YANBU. At all. He should be parenting in partnership with you, not looking after himself and leaving you with the exhausting task of constantly planning ahead and considering the children.

RedToothBrush · 17/11/2014 19:58

If this is a typical example, I STILL don't see the issue. Its petty. In the extreme.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 20:04

I also think this is petty. And it seems OP and DH have different standards and differing views on what's important.

Who says her needs/wants re the housework and the DC's care must trump his?

She may be fussier/more thorough but that need not mean her way is best.

alpacasosoft · 17/11/2014 20:30

Its not petty nor differing standards.
If the OP had grumbled that he expected the DC to eat F and C with their hands (seriously who does that?) and she disagreed then it would be petty. The issue is that the DH doesn't give a thought to the DC at all.
He just eats his dinner without glancing to check if the DC need help.

A DF of mine got fed up with jumping up to get drinks, helping with cutting up food etc and meanwhile her DH just sat there eating his dinner.
One day she removed his plate mid bite - he was what are you doing ?
She told him - this is what it is like every meal time for me, you just sit there eating and I miss out on my own meal . Stop being so bloody selfish!

I would have sent him back for chip forks,napkins etc.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 21:38

Alpaca are you serious??? Who DOESN'T eat fish and chips with hands?

When you're out and about it's fine! Even smaller DC are fine with it...mine were...you just have to cool the pieces down a bit..hardly a disaster.

unlucky83 · 17/11/2014 22:02

We wouldn't eat fish and chips with our hands!!! Even out and about Chips yes...fish -no - that's surely why chippies give out little forks.
(Wondering how you actually eat fish without a fork -pick the whole thing up and munch on the edge? Burgers have buns for this very reason - would you eat a hamburger with your fingers if it wasn't in a bun?
In fact I can't eat fish so when I am on my northern home turf I always have a pudding ...you really couldn't that without some form of implement)
I (sadly maybe) have plastic cutlery in my glove compartment anyway - bought for an impromptu picnic for making sandwiches and eating yoghurt -had to buy a huge bag at rip off price...so kept it in there 'just in case'

But I think the issue isn't the forks - it is the not considering the DCs, that has annoyed OP...and it seems to follow a pattern of thoughtlessness that can be frustrating ... straw, camel's back and all that ...

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 22:05

Unlucky !! WHY not!? What do you think could happen!!!

alpacasosoft · 17/11/2014 22:09

Not a disaster because i have never done it -really you pick up bits of fish with your hands ? how odd.
Nope never.

But as unlucky says its not the point-the point is he is not considering the DC and leaving it up to her.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 22:14

Alpaca it's coated in batter!

Just lol at actual pearl clutching over fish and chips with no cutlery!

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 22:19

Also, her point is him not considering the DC...but by HER standards.

If he were my DH and he did not bring cutlery, I would not judge. She would.

Why is SHE right and HE wrong? Because he expects small DC to live a little rough whilst out having fish and chips?

bigbluestars · 17/11/2014 22:20

None of the chip shops around me give out forks. Of course you eat fish and chips with your fingers, no other way,

There are harder things to eat with fingers- curry and rice for instance, but many people the world over eat with just fingers.

unlucky83 · 17/11/2014 22:21

I don't imagine anything would 'happen' - more it would be unnecessarily messy I guess - all that grease - and it would fall to pieces...you'd end up picking tiny flakes up...
Former chef - I have been know to eat a spare (over cooked) steak with my fingers, tearing it off with my teeth - but certain things it doesn't make sense to eat with hands...
Pasta? Rice? (although I know in asian countries they eat sticky rice with their fingers)
Would you eat a macdonalds or similar burger not in a bun? (curious)

bigbluestars · 17/11/2014 22:25

Not just sticky rice, I have eaten in many restaurants in SE Asia that don't use any cutlery, locals are very adept at balling up basmati or long grain ricee, eating wet curries etc with only fingers etc,

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 22:25

Unlucky yes...you do get messy and have to pick up flakes of fish...but it's quite nice really.

I wouldn't eat a burger with no bun no...unless it were coated with batter which isn't quite as....moist as meat or fish.

But back to my question....why are her standards and ideals more valid than his in this situation?

AnnieLobeseder · 17/11/2014 22:36

Claw, it's not about standards and ideals or eating rough. The OP said that she wanted the fork to enable sharing out of the fish to the DC. So it wasn't that they needed to be precious and eat with forks. But the food needed to be distributed and the DC organised with their portions. The OP's DH just left to her to arrange food/drinks/napkins for herself and the DC while he tucked into his own meal without a second thought. Which means at that point he was the only one eating. I was raised to believe that no-one starts troughing their food until everyone has been served and is ready to eat - even fish and chips out of a bag. So by happily tucking in while his wife and children were still getting their meals organised, he was not just being selfish, he was being downright rude too.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 22:42

Ah. Well that's rather different then. He should have assisted with breaking up, cooling down and wrapping things up in the paper for them to hold.

My DH is very proactive and probably more organised and foresighted than me in some situations....

MorrisZapp · 17/11/2014 22:42

Making mad love on the heath

Tearing off tights with my teeth

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 22:44

Ripping my cod to shreds with my fingers...

Snatchoo · 17/11/2014 23:35

How strange to consider the parent that stays at home with the children more able to take those children into consideration.

I work and DH doesn't, but we're both capable of sorting out cutlery/sauces/napkins or whatever. Unless it's a case of DH didn't have enough space on the tray or in his hands I thin he's inconsiderate.

And it's not about the OP being precious about eating fish with fingers - it's about foreseeing that your small children might not want to burn their hands or you might want to wipe the sauce off their faces before it drips and stains clothing.

Not stuffing your face full leaving the other parent to sort it all!

storminabuttercup · 18/11/2014 00:06

DP is like this and it drives me mad. I've got better at dealing with it as I realised I was enabling, so for example going on a day out I would rush around getting me and DS ready checking we have everything, now he's older I don't worry as much but say we were out and DS had eaten an icecream and was covered in it, DP will say 'did you bring wipes' I will say no, did you? I don't think it's selfishness but thoughtlessness which is very similar. Tonight DS has stayed out at mil's DP took him, he asked me where DS's uniform was, I told him I had put a fresh shirt, trousers and jumper out, assuming that as DP undressed him to bath him he would also know that he would need to take his tie, I've just been to draw the curtains in DS's room up find the tie on the floor with the rest of the clothes waiting to walk to the wash basket' I've told DP he will need to post it through his mums letter box as he passes in the morning. but as he is forgetful I've left it on the kettle as he never forgets to have a brew--

Taking a lot of tips from this thread

storminabuttercup · 18/11/2014 00:07

Strike out failure but you get the idea

TheFriar · 18/11/2014 11:43

If it had been not taking care of the dcs by her standard only (ie no wooden girl to eat with) then I would have expected him to keep an eye on the dcs, check that they can indeed eat the fish wo a fork instead of eating his meal wo a glance at them, leaving his de dealing with the fall out.
No fork, no napkin with dcs do young fine if you are also the one to help them when the dusk is too hot, the one to clean their hands when they have taken a handful of fish in their hand and squashed it. You are the one to deal with the dirty clothes etc.
as it happens it's not him that does all that.

Snatchoo · 18/11/2014 22:55

Holy fuck, just revisited this thread and can see my post is nearly incoherent!

Sorry, OP. YANBU. I'll stick to just that in the future!

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