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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very pissed that DH is (what I perceive to be) selfish re DC?

99 replies

Scottishcrumpets · 16/11/2014 23:06

There have been umpteen occasions where I feel like screaming at DH because it seems he doesn't have a clue regarding DC needs. (Nothing major, but just everyday stuff to make things a little difficult)
For example, today we drove for about an hour to a lovely little village to feed the ducks, have a chippy and let the kids choose a special ornament from the Xmas shop to put on the tree when it goes up. So DH went away get the fish suppers, came back without any napkins, knives, or wooden forks to enable the splitting up of the kids lunch. He just though they could split it up themselves with their fingers, but it was bloody boiling. I think I just saw him as a completely selfish cunt, as long as he's okay (and halfway through his lunch when I asked for all this) then he doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Am I just having a crap day and therefore being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 17/11/2014 07:29

Tell him you are getting sick of the constant reminders you have to give....ask him to think ahead of the curve like you have to 24/7.

Otherwise you will start looking for these things and they will annoy you even more.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 17/11/2014 07:29

Listen Crumpet if the DC are over about 5 then yabu. It's not a disaster to have to tear up their fish for them is it? Even toddlers....we deal with these things don't we?

It sounds like you've just got different styles you and your DH. I'm slapdash in a similar fashion....I almost never left the house with a bag full of snacks and "just in case" stuff when my DC were small because they're not made of glass...things happen...we cope.

Only1scoop · 17/11/2014 07:32

I'm presuming they are both young ....they're not 12 and 15 are they

Original poster

Scottishcrumpets · 17/11/2014 07:41

Haha, no they're 3 and 5. In hindsight I was already pissed off more than usual last night because we came back from duck feeding/walks/ park etc and I went to supermarket whilst DH stayed home with DC. Came back an hour later and all he had done in house was put his work clothes in dryer! selfish arse typical example of well if I'm okay everyone is so I put away the shopping, tidied up, hoovered, tidied away felt tips and strewn papers that he could have bloody well done when I was at the shops maybe I should have sat down with a cup of tea but the mess was driving me nuts. And yes clawhands I am one of those plan ahead bag of snacks and water type people

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 17/11/2014 07:47

It sounds like you have an extra child. Did you take it on yourself from day1?
I think it is quite common that a woman takes charge of the baby and they don't leave DP with a week old baby and expect him to choose clothes, change nappies etc and eventually they come to and find there is a pattern that they are doing it all. You have to break it- get away with him thinking you are senior parent who will do it all.

Original poster

Scottishcrumpets · 17/11/2014 07:57

I haven't done it all from day one, I've been a SAHM for the majority of the time, but he has been left with the DC on lots of occasions. Okay, he might not do certain most things as I would (strange mismatched clothing choices for example) but otherwise competent.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 17/11/2014 07:57

He didn't think I guess he is selfish a little bit you are right though it should never be up to mothers to remember the things the dc will need but it was just a fork id probably not remember forks and just let the dinner cool down.

Mrsjayy · 17/11/2014 08:01

I think your priorities might be different to his maybe the strewn papers and hoovering isn't a priority to him but of course he needed his work stuff look I think you need to talk to him what you want doing before you explode into a ball of resentment.

Mrsjayy · 17/11/2014 08:04

When mine were wee I never took snacks or water out is this a new thing

Mehitabel6 · 17/11/2014 08:06

If he is competent just accept his way is not your way. Go out more and leave him to it.

Mehitabel6 · 17/11/2014 08:07

All you needed to do with the fish was say 'ask daddy to help you'.

Mehitabel6 · 17/11/2014 08:08

Or even better 'daddy will help you'.

WooWooOwl · 17/11/2014 08:12

He sounds thoughtless, not selfish.

It's not selfish for him not to think in exactly the same way as you, or for him not to be irritated like you are about paper and felt tips still being out.

It is annoying having to be the brains behind every little thing you do as a family, and I'm sure you're not alone in feeling like this, but it's not worth making it into a row.

slithytove · 17/11/2014 08:14

How's this for the ultimate in selfish.

DS does a Saturday activity which we paid for, on the understanding it was his and dad's thing. I have a newborn so couldn't guarantee going.

We had a row the other night (Friday) so DH said he wasn't taking DS to activity :(

peggyundercrackers · 17/11/2014 08:18

Doent everyone eat fish and chips with their hands? If it was too hot for them to touch it then it was too hot for them to eat so what does it matter? So what if there was a few bits and pieces lying about after they had been playing - if you want it tidied up you should do it yourself and not rely on someone else to do it nor moan that they didn't tidy it up. You sound hard work...

RedToothBrush · 17/11/2014 08:28

YABU. Your world is centred on caring for the children. You are expert in it. He is not. You are used to the management and planning of all situations like this. He isn't. Its a very minor thing. He simply has other priorities and concerns. I think you are being precious tbh, since everyone eats fish and chips with their hands. Like the poster above says, if its too hot to touch, its too hot to eat.

Is he generally laid back and wings it? Whilst you find the find to plan things?

My thought is that this is really your problem. You can't cope with things not being planned and controlled and being around someone who doesn't work in that way makes you feel uncomfortable. The thing is, there is actually nothing wrong with the way he approaches things; its just you that doesn't cope with it as you have a need to do things a certain way.

MassaAttack · 17/11/2014 08:44

Slithy

Op, he doesn't think. I would be annoyed too, although do be careful about being a martyr - it ain't a happy state of affairs.

The tidying thing after; my ex does this if he decides I'm having too long a lie in at the weekend. He'll start doing housework very noisily to make a point. Irritates the fuck out of me, but I leave him to it. At least the kitchen gets clean, and he gets to feel self-righteous. Equally childish on both our parts, but that's why we're exes (still sharing a house - not for too much longer, hopefully).

slithytove · 17/11/2014 09:03

Here's another one - took wipes and nappy sacks out of the changing bag the other day as he couldn't be arsed to get more from upstairs. Didn't replace them and of course it's me out in public needing them. Twat.

NickyEds · 17/11/2014 11:06

I'm the organiser in our house and it becomes very tiresome. I think RedToothBrush is wrong (-sorry!), there issomething wrong with the way he approaches things, clothes don't get dry, stuff just doesn't get done and, most importantly, his wife has to be everyone's mother and get pissed off! My OH constantly says things like "things always get done in the end" and "it'll be fine". Things get done because I do them. If I didn't we too would be stuck in some changing room with a shitty bum and no wipes.

LaPetiteCoccinelle · 17/11/2014 13:53

Ive seen a couple of threads in the past on MN about posters being fed up of always being the thinker and planner in the family. So you're not alone (the threads were always really long )

Ive gotten annoyed with DH in the past cos he just doesnt factor in the DCs need like I do. However he has greatly improved since I was very ill during and after my latest pregnancy. He had to step up and take responsibility and did it well. We re much more equal parents now and he thinks about everyones needs not just his.

TheFriar · 17/11/2014 14:02

If he us competent, then stop doing things for the dcs and wait for him to do it. Or tell him to deal with the dcs if he doesn't get the idea on his own.
Do it again and again.
Eg with the restaurant check has put the menu diwn as he has chosen his stuff? Good. Tell him that he needs to look at the menu with the dcs to find something for them. Then get lost in the menu for your own stuff as you haven't been able to chose yet.
Same with the fish and chips. Give him the stuff and tell him to divide the fish between the dcs. Let him burn his fingers.
You are enabling his inability to think about anyone else other than him.

Thurlow · 17/11/2014 14:11

Red beat me too what I was going to say.

Your world is centred on caring for the children. You are expert in it. He is not. You are used to the management and planning of all situations like this. He isn't. Its a very minor thing. He simply has other priorities and concerns.

If someone is the person who is at home all the time with DC, taking them out in public all the time, they're well practised and organised at it. If someone is at work and doesn't take the kids out a lot, they're less practised.

That's not to say a WOHP shouldn't have a clue what to do, but it's not part of their everyday routine. But there's also the problem of the SAHP stepping in and planning everything, doing everything - that doesn't help either.

RedToothBrush · 17/11/2014 14:15

My OH constantly says things like "things always get done in the end" and "it'll be fine". Things get done because I do them. If I didn't we too would be stuck in some changing room with a shitty bum and no wipes.

You make a rod for your own back still though by doing it. If they are likely to do this, then either go with the flow and make sure they are the one to improvise. Have an emergency supply they don't know about, in case you do end up in that situation, which you can use, whilst they go about the improvising.

I think the only was you can really learn how to look after your child properly is through the baptism of fire of learning through doing rather than watching someone else doing it all the time.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/11/2014 14:17

RedToothBrush
I don't agree with you either. A lot of the time, the only reason that one partner can wing it, is because the other partner is picking up the pieces.

Slithy Your DH is a git if he is prepared to upset one of his children to get back at you.

Scottish
I just make DH responsible for certain things - I would have just left him to organise splitting up the meal between the DC and carried on eating mine. You may need to learn to step back a bit because if you step into the breach each time then your DH can step back.

AppleAndBlackberry · 17/11/2014 14:19

My DH is not a great planner, he might not think about chip forks etc and will take the DC out without coats or leave bags at nursery etc but he is like this with his own stuff too, it's not selfishness. I can't speak about anyone else's DH but sometimes these things are just down to different personalities and different parenting styles. I would not have been particularly annoyed about the chip forks but I would be annoyed at having to tidy the house while DH just sat there!

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