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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very pissed that DH is (what I perceive to be) selfish re DC?

99 replies

Scottishcrumpets · 16/11/2014 23:06

There have been umpteen occasions where I feel like screaming at DH because it seems he doesn't have a clue regarding DC needs. (Nothing major, but just everyday stuff to make things a little difficult)
For example, today we drove for about an hour to a lovely little village to feed the ducks, have a chippy and let the kids choose a special ornament from the Xmas shop to put on the tree when it goes up. So DH went away get the fish suppers, came back without any napkins, knives, or wooden forks to enable the splitting up of the kids lunch. He just though they could split it up themselves with their fingers, but it was bloody boiling. I think I just saw him as a completely selfish cunt, as long as he's okay (and halfway through his lunch when I asked for all this) then he doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Am I just having a crap day and therefore being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/11/2014 14:21

Red
X post - I was referring to your first post

millimurphy · 17/11/2014 14:23

OP's kids are 3 and 5 - if the lazy fucker father can't figure out how to parent by now then I can understand her frustration. Sounds like it's been like this with the OP thinking for everyone for 5 years - her other half is just lucky she is only thinking of calling him a selfish cunt.

500Decibels · 17/11/2014 14:25

slithy that's awful! How could he do that to ds?! It's disgusting. He basically just wants to make sure he hits you where it really hurts and doesn't care he's hurting his ds too.

There's something very telling about that kind if behaviour

youareallbonkers · 17/11/2014 14:26

Why do people have kids and then constantly bang on about having to look after them?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/11/2014 14:28

youare
Why do people post when they have nothing constructive to add?

Clutterbugsmum · 17/11/2014 14:29

While I understand what you are saying I also think you are being a bit of a over the top, you need to start telling dh to do things. While you putting the shopping away tell him you need him and the dc to clear away anything on the floor so he can hoover.

dollius · 17/11/2014 14:35

Why do people have kids and then leave all the work to their partner?

AnnieLobeseder · 17/11/2014 14:37

youareallbonkers it's rather more a case of people have children with another perfectly capable intelligent human being but somehow get lumbered with having to do not just all the work of raising then, but also doing all the fucking endless and relentless thinking and planning ahead which buzzes in your head like a fly all the fucking time because it's your job as a parent to make sure your DC are cared for 24/7. But then the other perfectly capable intelligent parent just doesn't fucking bother taking any of this relentless burden off you, even though they are just as much the parent as you are.

MrsHathaway · 17/11/2014 14:42

It's all very well saying you have to leave them to it, but it isn't the thoughtless parent sitting hungry in a wet nappy.

youareallbonkers · 17/11/2014 14:45

Chazs - because this is a public forum and each poster does have something to add.

People don't change, If your partner was like that when you met him (and yes it is usually going to be the man that is clueless) then he is still going to be like that. The only thing you can change is your additude to it.

Just accept that you are in charge of everything relating to the children and give your husbands clear, concise instructions and you'll all be fine.

To the person who wanted the cookies, you asked for cookies, he brought you cookies, it's hardly his fault you are all so fussy. Either stop being so fussy or next time say please bring (insert flavour & qty) of cookies home frm (insert shop name)

AnnieLobeseder · 17/11/2014 14:48

Oh, FFS, more suggestions to "just tell him what to do". All these useless men who can't think enough to care adequately for their children or keep their home in a liveable state without step-by-step instructions from someone with no more qualifications or experience than them. They seem to hold down jobs okay without constant instructions from their bosses. They're all expected to be pro-active at work and not just sit looking gormless at their desks until they're told what to do.

So it's not because they're in any way incapable.

They just choose not to do any of it because they don't think it's their responsibility. Because our society still teaches us that home and children is women's work, which men help out with if they're feeling generous.

These "useless" men choose to be that way. They choose to let you do all the work. They choose to watch you run yourself ragged and pick up after them and fix their mistakes.

Don't for one moment think it's anything less than a choice on their part to keep you in your place.

slithytove · 17/11/2014 14:50

Yes he is a git. Luckily, he did go to the football. And DS is only 19 month old so not affected yet. It was the first time and I'm hoping after the huge go at him I had that night the last

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/11/2014 14:53

youare
Just accept that you are in charge of everything relating to the children and give your husbands clear, concise instructions and you'll all be fine.

Why the hell should she think for him? Is he capable of getting himself dressed, can he hold down a job, drive a car etc? How is it he can manage to master the basic skills of looking after himself and working but mysteriously fails to manage to work out how to care for the children or tidy the house.

youareallbonkers · 17/11/2014 14:53

Why on earth do women marry and have children with these men? However if they have done so then their lives willbe much easier if they just accept these limitations.

If your husband asked you to go and buy something would you automatically know what he wants?

Viviennemary · 17/11/2014 14:53

I think you are expecting too much. He is doing things and helping just not to your satisfaction. I just couldn't cope with this level of constant criticism and fault finding in a partner. It is annoying when people don't get things right or do things to your standard. YANBU to be irritated but just don't go over the top about minor things.

slightlyconfused85 · 17/11/2014 14:59

In the nicest possible way I think yabu. You would do it one way,but he is happy for them to eat with their hands. this is just a different parenting style and a bit more go with the flow. My dp is similar, if he takes dd out he throws one nappy on his bagx and if she gets really hungry out he buys her something. If he's forgotten water he just asks in a shop or buys a bottle. I wouldn't do half the things he does, but he adores her, they have a great time together and all I care about is that we all spend time together. I think your dh is just different to you, and perhaps needs the ocassional reminder.

unlucky83 · 17/11/2014 15:09

slithy DP has done similar - DCs older - I told him fine - but if he didn't explain to DCs why they couldn't go I would...or at least I wouldn't lie about it ...(I wouldn't really -but know that he would hate the thought of that - it would make him realise it wasn't about me - but them)
Sounds like he thinks taking DS out is doing you a favour - he is taking him for you - when he isn't or at least he shouldn't be...
You need to be more aware of that - ime it can only get worse...
Change your language -he doesn't help you with DCs, he doesn't watch them/babysit for you -he looks after his children...
No more 'can you change that nappy for me?' But 'you need to change that nappy'. No more can you keep an eye on DC while I xyz? But you need to look after DC, I will be doing xyz.
Same for the OP - he is parent too - make them step up ..don't let them hide behind you doing everything for DCs and therefore it becomes totally your responsibility. You will just end up with another child...
(I know now - and am working on it -but it is slow progress)

slithytove · 17/11/2014 15:16

No, this activity isn't for me, it's one DH wanted to do with DS. I've gone each time so far but if breastfeeding gets in they way I've made it clear I wouldn't go.

DH wanted to make me feel like shit cos he knew I wouldn't let DS miss out or waste the money, so would end up taking both kids and struggle.

I don't think he will do it again.

As for the helping with dc's thing. We are currently having that battle and trying to work through it. Dd is only 8 weeks old and I'm still getting used to having 2 kids while doing night feeds, and I can tell DH thinks I'm being lazy. Hardly my fault if I can go on the iPad while breastfeeding. Still, we will get there. I'm going to make sure I'm not still complaining about this when dc are older.

AppleAndBlackberry · 17/11/2014 15:48

Annie - my DH is chronically forgetful when it comes to work too, and remembering things like his brother's birthday, going out without his wallet, leaving things on trains etc. He was like it as a child too. I generally let him get on with it with the children unless it's a safety issue but I wouldn't assume it was selfishness if he didn't think of something that I would have. Maybe just mine?

Original poster

Scottishcrumpets · 17/11/2014 16:05

Thanks for all the replies. I do get frustrated (by other things) if they aren't getting done the way I would do them. DH is self employed, and has a very physical job, but I still think he sees his time when not at work as 'his' time. If he could just think ahead about someone other than him fucking self then I'd probably be happy. I had wanted him to get the wee wooden fish forks to cut the massive fish up to cool it down, it really didn't bother me if they ate with their hands . inevitably he was finished his meal first because he is a selfish cunt in my opinion while I always get them dealt with before myself. I think I'm going to have to take on a much more pro active approach to getting him to do some positive interaction with DC. and maybe make myself scarce on occasion

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 17/11/2014 16:27

She DH would eat his dinner first whilst I dealt with DS because he hoovers his food, and would take over once he was done. knowing that I'm not too fussed by cold food, whilst he hates it cold...

It shows different ways of thinking, but not necessarily the wrong thinking.

Bogeyface · 17/11/2014 16:30

redtooth that works for you though because it means that there is at least one parent "on duty" for meal times. The OPs DH seems to do it simply it because it doesnt occur to him that he should consider anyone elses needs above his own.

I suggest that the OP sits down with him and asks him what would happen if she werent there? Ask him what he thinks she does that he would have to do, and then gives him the full list of exactly what she does do which I am guessing would be vastly longer than he thinks it is.

RedToothBrush · 17/11/2014 16:35

But I don't see there is any issue with this situation anyway! The chances are I wouldn't think to get bloody wooden forks because its not that critical in the devouration of fish and chips regardless of whether you are 5 or 50.

Ultimately this situation is all about what you consider important rather than what is necessary.

unlucky83 · 17/11/2014 17:09

Slithy I did understand - thing is he knew you would take your DS -and you would struggle to do it - because you care about your DS.
You can do it - it is possible but not preferable and shouldn't be necessary because there are two parents who should share the work load.
Therefore if there is a next time I would just not take DS - and make it clear (or threaten to at least) the reason he wasn't going was because DP wasn't doing his bit.
(Mine was a similar thing - if DP didn't do his bit either DD1 gave up an activity she loved or young DD2 would have to go out late at night (past her bedtime) to pick up DD1 (big age gap) -of course I could do it if I had to - but it wasn't really fair on DD2 (nor me who then had to put up with an over tired DD2).
It was fine until something came up DP wanted to do on the same evening. Because of lift shares with other parents (I had set up) he could do it most weeks, no problem. But sometimes I had to do pick up. He knew that and agreed he wouldn't go on those nights. Then it got to every time I had to pick up for some reason or other he had to go that night. Caused some massive arguments - one night he stropped out (someone later pointed out to me he probably set that up as an excuse to go). Finally one week (freezing cold, dark winter night) I said it really wasn't fair to take DD2 (with a cold!) out ... He suggested that I said DD1 was sick and couldn't go (so miss my turn at pick up too!). Massive row - he wasn't going to 'help' me anymore ...
That's when I told him I would get DD1 to ask him why she couldn't go that night and if she asked me I would tell her exactly why (and also the the parents I was letting down -in fact I would withdraw from the lift share so it would be a 'problem' every week!).
He didn't go out, was in a massive strop - but he stopped being such a selfish twat about it after that ...

Bogeyface · 17/11/2014 17:48

redtooth but this isnt about wooden forks, the forks are just yet another example of how he never thinks about the kids and their needs. All he thinks about is himself and what he needs, which is when you get kids sitting around starving hungry because the parent isnt hungry and it doesnt occur to them that anyone else might have needs.

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