To wonder if this means I'll never be a Mum?

[snowflakecookie]

Options are - adopt, or IVF.

I / we have reasons pertaining to our religion as to why we are uncomfortable with IVF. (This is personal and not applicable to everyone who has it by the way!)

So it looks like adoption is our only option. But there are so many things about it that again make us uncomfortable and unsure it is right for us.

So - I suppose this means we won't be parents. And that breaks my heart.

I've no idea why I'm posting really. Perhaps I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

Have you considered IUI? From what you have posted, perhaps this won't be in conflict with your beliefs.

snowflake. Again, it's your personal decision to come to terms with and I don't know if anyone else posting what they think is all that helpful to you at this stage but have you considered that God may not have a definite plan for you, or for the human race at all, that He gave us free will to allow us to explore the world and its opportunities, including developing and making use ofmedical advances? I know some religious people don't confone a lot of medicwl interventions on the basis that they interfere with God's plan but this is quite a minority view and its difficult as an outsider to understand why fertility intervention is in such a different category.

That said, if you decide that ivf iand adoption are definitely not for you then I think you are doing the right thing in looking for ways to come to terms with that, rather than letting your life pass you by hoping for a child to arrive against the odds. I wish you well. And btw I don't think hack was being unkind - she just put what others have said in a different way. That the key to a future without children is to find other ways to make it fulfilling and to work out what else would make life meaningful to you. 'working out God's purpose for you' was just putting this idea in the same terms you were using.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It's hard, the kids can come with issues, you have no idea what the mother did during pregnancy. Sometimes you don't even know about their medical history. It's not all happy and squishy.

DH was adopted and while he had a lovely mother, his dad wasn't on board with it and he could tell that growing up. So if you do adopt, make sure your hearts are both 110% into this.

I'm not trying to be insensitive or daft when I ask this... But, have you considered using a surrogate? She could carry the baby for you? Would that be totally against your religion since it's not you being IFV'd?

Nobody should persuade you to to do anything at all - these are such personal decisions that none of us can possible 'advise'.

hackmum I dont think you were being unkind in what you said, many Christians do believe God has a plan for our lives. A lot of people would say that and that he does reveal it to us through circumstances and prayer.
But there are many variations of belief and interpretations of scripture, that's why I think its a good idea to talk with a minister or expert.

I haven't got anything to add above what's already been said but it's clear that this issue is causing you pain and turmoil. I just wanted to say I really hope that whatever your future is it's a happy and contented one.

Is IVF your only option? I'm not sure of your medical issue but would IUI be an option?

Kewcumber when I talk about orphanages I don't mean adopting from abroad, but thinking about trying to say if there was a baby who had no one else at all and would have a sad life without you, it would be a much easier decision. But of course in reality we know it is much more complicated. I think snowflake felt she might be taking a child who was much wanted by someone else and be doing more harm than good (as well as other reasons).

Yanbu.

I know you say that it's personal to you, but fwiw I know of three couples who attend my CofE church every week who have had ivf. All are lifelong Christians, all are wonderfully happy with their ivf babies. I know that you may not feel it's for you, but the two reverends also know all about the ivf and think it's wonderful.

I'm sorry you feel forced into defending your reasons not to do IVF. I'm not even religious & I couldn't do it (my own reasons, don't care what others do). I have even considered being an egg donor but I couldn't go thru rest of IVF for myself.

I agree with the person who said you camplain if you wont try either option open to you.

You could choose to fertilise only a few eggs. Or freeze others with the decision to use them all (what DSis did in catholic country)
Also who is to say you would have spare. 3 ivfs no frozen.
Only 1/3 people can freeze any. Also they grow in lab for 5 days now so natural selection means few make it this far.
If you have ivf not icsi there is an element of best sperm.
Ivf babies are more loved/wanted.
If anything it isthe ideal way for everyone to conceive as so many unwanted children would not come about through accidents
You could adopt a spare embryo from someone elses treatment
Hopefully you and dh are completely in agreement as if 1 wants to try and the other doesnt that would cause problems

flack I agree with you in theory but it's hard to watch someone hold a belief that is clearly causing them so much anguish and which doesn't on the outside seem wholly logical without testing it and seeing if there is any way of reconciling their concern. Same as if someone felt very strongly they should be a SAHM (or whatever) but was really unhappy with the consequences of that and . It is hard just to nod and accept without saying 'you could go back to work if you're unhappy. Childcare can be ok'. If the OP sounded resolute that would be one thing but she says she is undecided.

I just wanted to add that I am sorry that you are suffering over your beliefs and choices in this way.
I am a christain and I don't believe that the God I believe in would want me to suffer. You sound like a loving thoughtful person and if you and your DH really want to be parents, the please explore all options to you.
My DD1 is IVF and my DD2 is assisted. They are not borne out of any less of God's love, and it is hurtful that fellow Christians may judge them. The miracle of creation still occurred (albeit with a little help from advances in medical science). There are ways to ensure that IVF does not compromise beliefs (e.g. Natural IVF cycles where the natural egg is harvested from the mother, fertilised by the father with the help of medical science and the implanted back into the mother to carry). Maybe there are other options for you before you close this chapter in your life and accept you won't be a mother, especially if closing this chapter prematury is so painful for you.
Please also take time to talk to those in your church and more importantly talk to God through prayer. He will heal your heart whatever decision you decide.

Finally, least us not forget that our saviour was not concieved from a man and a woman lying together....

Judges 13:3
And the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman and said to her, “Behold, you are barren and have not borne children, but you shall conceive and bear a son.

there appear to be less children than adoptive families,currently, and this would mean if we were accepted we would in effect be taking a child from a home that desperately wanted him. He would deserve better.

OP - please remember that although the birth family may desperately want to keep the child, a child would only be adopted if the court were satisfied that the birth family were unable to offer safe and reliable parenting. In other words, you wouldn't be responsible for removing a child from a birth family who could offer a permanent home for the child. Most likely in that scenario, it's a choice between adoption and long term fostering.

I think your reservations about adoption sound sensible and understandable. These are all issues that are realistic and suggest to me that you have given this some careful consideration. I would encourage you to look into this in more detail before deciding it's not for you

Have you considered becoming a foster parent yourself, OP?
some of your posts read as unhelpfully perfectionist (what you expect from yourself or maybe parenthood too). But I thought maybe you were a very self-less person. That was the root of your moral dilemmas.

Bonus is that many foster placements become permanent or even lead to full adoption. But they aren't taking anything away from anybody else; as long as you're a decent person trying your best, fostering is a win-win whether it leads to adoption or not.

BTW, Only babies are under-supplied in the adoption market, there's a shortage of adoptive families for older children. You can easily find a child to adopt who needs you and only you. Especially if you could take on a sibling group (these are the children most difficult to find adoptive families for).

My mistake livelablove there really are any institutions like orphanages in the UK anymore so it didn't occur to me that you were talking hypothetically.

No I said orphanages as it was in my head because I was actually recently listening to a man telling about his childhood in one of the last orphanages in America before they changed the system there.

snowflake so if you are not infertile , i presume the problem lies with your husband ?