To wonder if this means I'll never be a Mum?

[snowflakecookie]

Options are - adopt, or IVF.

I / we have reasons pertaining to our religion as to why we are uncomfortable with IVF. (This is personal and not applicable to everyone who has it by the way!)

So it looks like adoption is our only option. But there are so many things about it that again make us uncomfortable and unsure it is right for us.

So - I suppose this means we won't be parents. And that breaks my heart.

I've no idea why I'm posting really. Perhaps I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I think Worra is right. Ultimately it's about what your own priorities are.

I think some couples who have conceived through IVF may take issue with the statement that their babies were created by scientists rather than love. Without penetrative vaginal sex maybe, but not without love!

This must be very hard - sorry to hear you are having to confront the possibility that you may never be parents

We had to think about that scenario some years ago (we are parents now).

In the end we felt that we would be ok if it had never happened for us.
Different and not what we had planned/hoped for, but ok.
We would've live our lives differently from what it is now (and I am very grateful, but that's not the point).

Find other ways to find meaning in your life.
Volunteer, travel, work with children (if that's not too painful), be a wonderful aunt or god mother to children in your family or circle of friends etc.

Fwiw, yearning for a baby really is a red herring IMO. Babies grow up v quickly - find another way to 'baby' something/someone.

I don't think that it matters why neither IVF or adoption are for you - they are not right for you and that's ok.
You can have a meaningful and fulfilled life without being a parent.

I can't have children, IVF even is not an option. Considered a surrogate for a while but honestly the difficulty in finding somebody, the trust involved, the time it can take if it happens at all, and the finances to do it are all too much. I know it's difficult but if you really can't stand the idea of going down the IVF route and adoption isn't for you then maybe you should look at counselling and making peace with the fact you may never become parents. You will be much happier letting go of the idea than torturing yourself with it for years.

jolly did you miss the bit where I said I could only speak for me??

you don't have to agree or understand but you asked what the religious issues were with ivf and I gave you MY religious feelings on it. I also said that it isn't the view of all Christians. it is how I feel about it for me so stop goading

Jolly, I can't speak for other posters but i can assure you I agree with you. In different circumstances IVF would be fine.

snowflake my heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to find peace with whatever decision you reach. Just to mention my own perspective that a baby born through ivf is to me a prime example of a baby born as a result of love and commitment to being parents together. Irrelevant what I think really, but couldn't help posting.

Sorry I know very little about Christian beliefs- but would surrogacy be an option? Do you know the reason for infertility- would sperm or egg donation help and would that be within your religious beliefs?

Adoption is tough. If you adopt a young child, you have very little idea about how they'll develop in the future and how severely they've been affected- and pretty much every child will have been affected in some way or other.

snowflake have you spoken to your priest/vicar about this?

They may be able to help.

It's a crappy situation to find yourself in, and I'm guessing there will be people here for whom there would be no contest...they would choose IVF every time.

So it might be best to discuss this with your church leader, if you haven't done already.

OP I think you have to make a choice. You either accept that your beliefs prevent you from having IVF or adopting, and look at the many other ways you can have a fulfilling life.

Or you try to question your interpretation of God's word, and see if you can find a way of making IVF or adoption compatible with your faith. If you choose this path, then I think you would benefit from talking to other Christians who have faced these options, and see what their views are. Infertility forums may be a good place to start.

It's very hard - it's a personal battle - I don't get the religious thing as I don't believe but I had a v poor diagnosis told ivf impossible, adoption was difficult for a number of reasons to do with my previous marriage. Luckily I conceived naturally after 3 years but coming to terms with it not happening before I got lucky was heartbreaking. What is your actual diagnosis would you consider trying natural remedies etc.
Personally I had to try everything as being a mum was a priority.
Also and not to poo poo your beliefs but you seem to use the Internet that's so a new technology that God might find un natural. ( if he existed of course)

Would surrogacy fit with your beliefs and would it be possible for you? Depending on the reason for your infertility, if there's a known one, would sperm or egg donation be possible and would they fit with your religious beliefs?

Adoption isn't for everyone. It's tough and often painful and very, very hard. If you adopt even a very young child, they are likely to be affected in some way or another. Adopting a young child means you are less likely to be aware of any additional needs they may have as well. We investigated adoption and decided against it in fact.

Ugh, sorry didn't realise my post had gone throigh so I made another post...

I would whole-heartedly recommend discussing this with a priest/vicar/Bishop who specialises in medical ethics and assisted conception. I'm Jewish and there are Rabbis who specialise in the ethics surrounding this area, so there must be some religious authority from your own religion who you could approach.

You may find your views and feelings are completely unchanged. Or you may find your views do change as a result of this discussion.

Is it the destruction of embryos that you have a problem with? Do the ivf companies off the option of only creating 1 embryo at a time or two and implanting both?

I was going to suggest surrogacy. But as it seems that all these other options may not be compatible with your beliefs perhaps you could seek support from your church with coming to terms with childlessness?

cheesecake - because we wouldn't be adopting "as Christians" but as parents, humans, and I explained in another post my reservations although I haven't ruled it out completely.

Shlep - no, not in this instance :)

Worra - yes this is a possibility although we don't know our vicar well and I know in my hearts of hearts it isn't right for us.

card thank you. We will I think but it's so raw just now. [ flowers ]

I feel for you OP. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was offered IVF but turned it down. For me it was a step to far in terms of human involvement in the creation of life. I know Christians who feel the same and others who have no problem with IVF at all. It's a very personal decision. Thankfully 5 years later I conceived naturally and we now have an 18 month old DS.

Ok well if you know in your heart of hearts that it's not right for you, perhaps you could still find someone to talk to through your church, to help you come to terms with it?

I think the coming to terms with it is probably what you need to focus on now.

Good luck

I think you're right. It's just so heartbreaking - will get through it but it is hard. Thank you

Oh dear, what a position to be in.

I have no wise words, but a bucket of empathy.

I hope you come to terms with whatever you decide. Best of luck.

If you do discuss it with someone, really do seek out a specialist. These issues are so complex, both medically and religiously, that the 'average' religious authority really is not equipped to discuss them (although they may be excellent at offering general support).

Do your religious beliefs prevent you from accessing all fertility treatment or is it just IVF? Have you been told that only IVF will work for you? If not, then I would explore other forms of fertility treatment. Even if they have a low chance of success, it might be worth a try if they're your only option.

I think you need to sort your priorities in a different way, perhaps some counselling like CBT would help you see the situation in a different light.

If you step a long way back from your situation and strip it down to its basics, you have a much desired goal which you cannot see your way to achieving because you have created the very obstacles which prevent that.

How you solve that, I don't know, but I do hope you can find a solution that enables you to have the child or children that you long for

Have or can you separate your concerns regarding adoption and how parents feel towards their child/children they have adopted

For many though not all and for some it takes time to come to.terms with the not adopting a baby, the not choosing their name, the difficulties that some children have already been through all these concerns which are understandable. How do the parents feel about being a parent, does it change how they feel towards their child and how they feel about being a parent. Maybe your fears of what it may be is clouding what could be

Your beliefs are personal to you around IVF of course it's not a simple choice I seems as though it is not a choice for you and only you but maybe adoption is letting go.of these fears around adoption may allow you to reseach with a clearer mind