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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I ring and complain about this teacher?

79 replies

BirdhouseInYourSoul · 14/11/2014 18:52

Genuinely don't know if I'm being U and a bit precious here so thought I'd ask here. Please be gentle...

DD had her appendix out 11 days ago. She's been back to school yesterday and today for half days. Mostly she's ok. Keyhole surgery so not too sore but she is pretty tired out most of the time.

Today she had food tech - double lesson so just under two hours. They were doing a practical thing and they have to stand at the workbenches. Halfway through DD asks if she can bring a stall over to sit down but he refused on health and safety grounds.

If that's true then fair enough. But as soon as DD had finished her part she asked if she could sit over at the tables for the last half hour as she was tired and sore. She still would have been able to hear and participate but he said no. No explanation - just a straight and abrupt 'NO'. he knew about her appendix btw.

She is quite shy and never the type to challenge a teacher so stood there for the remainder of the lesson in pain.

I am fuming really. It doesn't help that I cannot stand this teacher and feel he is overly aggressive to his pupils. Last term he humiliated DD because the school asked for a voluntary contribution and I refused (this is another thread tbh. I was one of many parents who did)

Because of how I feel about him I don't know if I'm over reacting about this. Should I ring on monday and complain?

OP posts:
grannytomine · 14/11/2014 21:48

I would complain about the teacher, your DD must have been upset.

I don't agree that surgery is worse to recover from than a C Section. A C Section is surgery! Well it seemed like it to me. I have had a C Section and a hysterectomy and I recovered much quicker and had less pain with the hysterectomy. I think it varies from person to person and even varies with the same op for the same person, that sounds a bit complicated but as an example my son had an eye op when he was little. The next morning he was bouncing round and it was hell waiting for the discharge. Year later he had exactly the same op on the other eye and was kept in for an extra day as he was so poorly.

ChampagneAndCrisps · 14/11/2014 21:52

I would complain in writing - You are not being unreasonable.
I would however, take care to keep it short and to the point and unemotional. That way you'll come across better and hopefully be taken seriously.
The teacher has a lot to learn

hmc · 14/11/2014 22:02

My dd had an emergency appendectomy in February (age 11) - school was incredibly solicitous and helpful. She went back to school 7 days post op for half days (hospital said that this was okay and she was insistent) but she was bone crushingly tired. I would have been furious if she reported an incident like this. Am glad you are taking it further and I wish your dd well in her recovery. She should be feeling much better soon.

Jolleigh · 14/11/2014 22:14

Complain complain complain. Take it as far as you have the energy to.

I had my gall bladder out at 14 following a severe case of gall stones (extremely unusual at that age, I know) and returned to school 2 weeks later under the understanding that if I became sore or felt unwell, the teachers had already been briefed to sit me down somewhere quiet and call the school nurse. It happened 5 or 6 times.

If I'd been treated the way your DD has, I'd want the git stringing up.

mum9876 · 14/11/2014 22:55

I am not a complainer of habit and it riles me how so many people do complain so frequently about nothing.

But I would put a complaint in writing about this. If only to stop this fool treating others in this way.

ginnycreeper5 · 14/11/2014 23:02

Im projecting here but as someone who had their appendix out aged 13 and got NO support from school with idiot teachers expecting me just to bounce back and carry on PLEASE kick their arses.

Me too. Open surgery age 10 and off school for 3 months! due to stitches bursting (tmi sorry)
Please give this teacher an extra kick from me.
Even if it was keyhole surgery, there's a lot of healing going on inside!

skylark2 · 14/11/2014 23:04

Poor kid.

I know it's difficult for her but I think you need to encourage her to be a bit more proactive. I doubt a teacher would argue if she said "I'm sorry, I need to sit down" and just went and did it. if she says "can I?" it sounds a bit as if maybe she doesn't need to.

WhizzpopWhizzBang · 14/11/2014 23:05

Oh wow. Your poor dd. Fair enough not being able to pull a bench/chair up to the workstation maybe, but to refuse to let her sit down at all?! YADNBU.
I'm totally non confrontational and let most things slide, but this I definitely wouldn't. Complain, complain complain.

ginnycreeper5 · 14/11/2014 23:09

Also worth mentioning - A child can have a grumbling appendix for months - and during that time their health can really suffer. By the time they eventually do have theoperation, their health is already below par and they can be fairly weak - from pain, lack of sleep, loss of appetite.

So, it can take a couple of months for that child's health to get back to what it used to be and for them to regain their strength.
It's not just about the operation site healing.

YouTheCat · 14/11/2014 23:21

She shouldn't need to be 'pro active' ffs. OP has already said her dd is a quiet child. That teacher had a duty of care that he was made fully aware of and he failed utterly.

MidniteScribbler · 14/11/2014 23:21

It took me a good four weeks to get past the feeling like absolute crap stage, and that was an adult. The head in their wisdom decided to assign me basketball to supervise. I always supervised activities like art or theatresports or production, never sports, it was just a bitchy decision because I'd "chosen" to have the operation at report time (his choice of words) and "inconvenienced the school". The doctor had recommended at least two weeks off, no physical activities, and to spend most of the day sitting as much as possible, but I was pressured to go back after seven days, and it was awful. I no longer work there btw.

The teacher sounds like an arse, and you should definitely complain. Aside from just being a nice normal human being, why would you want to risk a child in your class from further hurting themselves, passing out, or being ill? That's just stupid.

Mummygadgetgeek · 14/11/2014 23:27

Yanbu, just because you can't see something on the outside doesn't mean there isn't something going on inside. I'd call and express my concerns, at least get it looked into. Hope dd is feeling 100% again soon.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/11/2014 01:10

Posted up thread but the more I think about this, the more I think the teacher was bang out of order. Can you imagine an adult being treated like this in the workplace? Depending on what your other options are, I don't know if I'd want my child in a school where bullies are allowed to masquerade as teachers. What guarantees can be made that this won't happen again? I'd certainly be requesting that she wasn't taught by him in future.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/11/2014 01:30

That's cruel, power-tripping behaviour.

I am rarely on the side of complaining parents on MN, but in this case I totally am.

Complain!!

OpalQuartz · 15/11/2014 06:27

How awful. Your poor dd. Definitely complain and say that unless your dd can sit down when she needs to you will keep her off for longer.

FrontForward · 15/11/2014 06:34

I would complain but I would also want to speak directly to the teacher myself. I.e. Ask to have him present. Make sure his superior knows about the complaint but also speak to him. Get him to look you in the eye and explain why he felt it important to exert authority in this situation. It's utter bollocks and abuse of power. This will only work if you feel sure you won't be bullied by him as well.

In the workplace if a member of staff asked for leniency such a short time after an op I would a) assess whether they should be at work at all and b) make all adjustments required to ensure they could work. That's what the fit note is designed for.

fuzzpig · 15/11/2014 06:51

YANBU. Definite power trip.

DraggingDownDownDown · 15/11/2014 06:59

Can I just say that a C section is major surgery band not the easy way out that is sometimes assumed.

I have seen many sections and they still make me wince.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 15/11/2014 07:11

I hope you get a good response when you complain. What a disgusting man in a position of power - he doesn't deserve to be in that position unless he behaves properly!

I would make it very clear that he'd seen the note at he beginning of the lesson, as I bet the first excuse to wheel out will be the 'I didn't know' ignorance is bliss defence.

PickledInAJar · 15/11/2014 09:42

This article clearly spells it out. Even though the port holes wounds are smaller than an open appendicectomy, the internal rummaging is brutal and there is a lot of internal suturing.

Medical advice relating to laparoscopic appendectomy post-OP instructions

"Your activity level should be reduced the first two weeks after the surgery. The incisions are about 60% strength of normal tissue at 6 weeks. I generally advise not to lift anything more than 15lbs. for about 6 weeks. You can increase your activity to moderate exercise after the first two weeks. I often advise to “let pain be your guide” in your recovery."

Molotov · 15/11/2014 09:57

I've posted earlier and just revisited this morning. The advice upthread about making your dd more "proactive": maybe it's a good time to talk to her about how she doesn't have to do things that make her feel uncomfortable/awkward, etc, even though it is a teacher/friend/boyfriend who is telling her to do something.

I remember being 13yo and I was a people-pleasing, authority-respecting girl who would have done what I was told - even if I was frightened; especially if my parents weren't there.

Someone has said it already, but just make sure you keep your cool and emotions at bay when you're dealing with this teacher. Gather all evidence together so he cannot talk his way out of it and also make it difficult for his peers to support him (i.e. you being over-reactionary; him not knowing the full facts, etc).

Hopefully it will all get sorted but as I said yesterday, I would make a big deal about this.

How is your dd feeling? Both physically and emotionally after the incident?

Molotov · 15/11/2014 10:00

And it's not about encouraging her to be more proactive: it's aboit encouraging her to be more assertive and use her voice.

newbiefrugalgal · 15/11/2014 10:08

As a food teacher I would agree -so out of order. Definitely complain.
Yes - true no stools during a prac but she could have sat down later. Good luck

Bunbaker · 15/11/2014 10:10

Telling a quiet, timid child to be more proactive and more assertive doesn't work. It's all very well for people to say that, but I have a mouse like daughter who just wouldn't say anything, no matter how many times I tell her to be more proactive.

Grr!

Noregretsatall · 15/11/2014 10:29

Reading this has left me feeling horrified! It certainly does sound as though he had harboured a grudge from the previous incident op, AND he was on a power trip! Very disturbing behaviour from someone who had a duty of care. Your poor dd, my heart goes out to her. Hope she's feeling better now. Maybe keep her off school for a while and ask the school to send work home for her so she doesn't fall too far behind. Xx