How to tell mil we're eloping

[Kab13]

Mainly posting for traffic.
Try and keep it simple. Difficult, "overbearing" (narcissistic) mil went crazy in the middle of a market when we slightly hinted about eloping. She assumed she would come "don't worry dad and I will pay for our flights" and was a little upset shall we say when we told her if we did elope it would be well...alone.
We've decided it's what we want to do, only problem is mil is super excited about planning and being the centre of our "big day".
I don't want a big day, I just want a marriage and celebrations when we return.
How an earth do I break this to her? Genuinely scared.
She's not paying for anything may I add, me and dp are forking out for everything. She will still be able to celebrate and play the "proud mother" act when we do that but I know it just won't be enough.
Don't think any of my family will care at all as long as there's a party ...it's literally just her

Be warned, I did the same ie a planned elopement and party afterwards for similar reasons to yourself and she has never had a kind word to say to me since. It has been over ten years, all her other children have got divorced in the meantime but i am still the least favoured DiL.

I got married at the local registry office with just me, DH, the two dc we had then and about 15 close friends. We told both families they weren't invited because I couldn't trust everyone to get on happily (both parents divorced and though no one is crass enough to come to blows, or even cross words the animosity is dripping and it would have felt false. e got on with them all, they were shocked, but it was tough quite frankly.

£200 all in (my dress, Dh shirt, night out after in local town with friends.)
It was the best wedding ever!

Make it yours in any way you want, its not really about anyone else. I would have no issue at all if any, or all of my four wanted to do similar and just enjoy a stress free do, in fact - I would recommend it and look forward to the pictures.

Can I make the point that I survived periods, pregnancy and the menopause without turning into a screaming banshee. Really ladies stop blaming hormones. You sound as ignorant as blokes down the pub!

Are you really really sure you want to marry a man who struggles to put your needs above his mummys and can't say no to her?

My best friend eloped she told everyone once she was married.people get over it don't tell her xx

I know I keep saying this OP, but I'm with hampton. Please please please think about how good your life can ever be with this woman in it. Do things between you and DP remain solid when she is acting up? if so, great. if not - don't do it. (I know you have a child together, but my advice remains the same)

No. We argue a lot whenever they reappear in our lives in between not seeing them much because it doesn't suit there agenda.
He is starting to take control of his mother it's just a gradual process.
I can't let her actions ruin my family unit. That would be pathetic.

Yes, can we lay off on the 'postmenopausal crazies' thing? It's as unhelpful as the notion that women shouldn't be allowed to vote or work or drive cars because their wombs roam dangerously around their bodies once a month, or that getting pregnant halves your IQ.

OP, do precisely what you want. As I said up the thread, we got married with two witnesses, and didn't even tell anyone else, including both sets of parents (who are lovely, but we didn't want a big wedding, just the legal piece of paper without any time-consuming frills) until six months or more later. My parents and FIL saw our point immediately, and MIL, while she would have loved the chance to wear a bad-taste hat and literally cannot understand why anyone would pass up the chance to drift about in a meringue etc, grasped that she needed to respect our choice. Which at that point was a fait accompli anyway.

No hissy fits or weeping and gnashing. No lifelong festering hurts because they weren't invited - no one was invited, which was the way we wanted it.

Stop discussing major life decisions with your MIL if she continually interferes and oversteps boundaries - in fact, stop inviting her into your lives if she doesn't know how to behave civilly. Never invite a vampire (emotional or the actual blood-sucking kind) over your threshold, because that gives them power.

I think it was me who mentioned that the MIL may have been affected by the menopause- OP said she was screaming and crying and as I said in the post my own mother acted that way when suffering from particularly bad menopausal symptoms. HRT helped her a lot and she said herself she had not been herself. i therefore suggested that since OP's MIL was not acting like a rational adult there might be a medical cause that could be fixed. At no point did I say that all women were mental cos of hormones. I am a woman myself FFS, why on earth would I say that?

It was 2rebecca's post I was referring to, Jessie. 'Shouty, weepy, postmenopausal women are just a bit ridiculous.'

I didn't say postmenopausal women are crazy or hormonal, I'm a postmenopausal woman myself and agree that the menopause doesn't make women go nuts, you just get hot flushes and annoying periods.
I was being factual. The OP's MIL is a shouty, weepy postmenopausal woman according to the OP. She isn't shouty or weepy because she is postmenopausal, she is shouty weepy AND postmenopausal.
I don't see why that makes her scary though. She sounds pathetic with poor coping skills to me and I would just avoid her.

We didn't elope and wish we had - we were under confident as only early 20s and we both hated our wedding day, all planned by someone else really, don't back down! We're still glad to be married though!

Not sure if this helps, but we eloped in the traditional sense, no one knew, we told everyone when we got back and we didn't have a party afterward. We didn't want a big wedding and felt if we had a big party it would really be the same as a wedding.

Once we were engaged, if people asked about the wedding we'd say, "oh, don't worry about that, we'll be doing a runner when we tie the knot" generally people would laugh or think we were joking.

Afterward, mostly everyone was OK when they found out, and the fact that the deed was done meant they just had to be ok. Also, we found the fact that no one knew helped, no one was in on "the secret" and therefore no one could feel they were left out of things. There were a few hissy fits but they quickly got over it when realised it had all been done.

You just need to try to remember it is YOUR day and YOUR money and YOUR choice. If it is what you both want then go ahead and enjoy it.