How to tell mil we're eloping

[Kab13]

Mainly posting for traffic.
Try and keep it simple. Difficult, "overbearing" (narcissistic) mil went crazy in the middle of a market when we slightly hinted about eloping. She assumed she would come "don't worry dad and I will pay for our flights" and was a little upset shall we say when we told her if we did elope it would be well...alone.
We've decided it's what we want to do, only problem is mil is super excited about planning and being the centre of our "big day".
I don't want a big day, I just want a marriage and celebrations when we return.
How an earth do I break this to her? Genuinely scared.
She's not paying for anything may I add, me and dp are forking out for everything. She will still be able to celebrate and play the "proud mother" act when we do that but I know it just won't be enough.
Don't think any of my family will care at all as long as there's a party ...it's literally just her

I suspect the clue lies mid post. Op, where you say she wants to be the centre of attention for.....oh, yeah, YOUR day.

My mum was the same. We eloped. Mother not happy until we started firing out babies....

We always love the fact that we eloped. The only upset has ever been my mothers reaction. I spent my wedding day entirely with my husband....not many brides can say that.

Like us, be clear, keep it simple. If you look apologetic or guilty then she'll run with it. Upbeat but firm. Straight from the outset. I do think it's fairer to say your plans rather than coming back, deal done, that way there can be bit of a send off and she can feel included, or get her to organise something to come back to.

Who are these mothers/mothers in law who expect to be the centre of attention on their child's wedding day?

I am in my mid 50s so old enough to have a child who is getting married but wouldn't dream of interfering in their plans ......... I've had my wedding day (two actually ) and just want my child and any future spouse to be happy in their own choices -whether or not that includes me, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. I would genuinely love to hear from some of these 'mothers/in-laws' and know what their opinion is?

And to be perfectly honest my choice would be for my DS to elope or get married very quietly so that I do not have to ponce around in an expensive 'outfit' making polite chit chat to people I don't know and don't want to know .

She sounds a total nightmare. I think I'd actually take pleasure in pissing her off.

You can't have a blessing before you marry. What would be being blessed? You elope, get married and then have a blessing on your marriage.

I wish you luck on having the elopement that you want and, as others have said, don't tell anyone that you are doing it. Go away for a weekend and come back married!

I would be very hurt not to be able to see my DC get married.

She will be pissed off whatever you do. So just do as you like.

If you are going to elope next year then you need to be like a broken record 'There will be no big day - we want it to be very small' 'There's nothing to look at - it will be very small' 'We don't need any help planning - it will be very small' etc etc etc

Agree eloping is supposed to be done in secret, think Gretna Green etc. Much better some white lies before hand and deal with the fall out afterwards than months of stress beforehand.

It really isn't eloping if you plan and tell people what you've planned.

It's meant to be fast, not much thought out....and alone.

Just do it. Don't tell her.

But why Piper, can you articulate why you would be hurt not to see your DC be married? I don't want to sound sarky, I am genuinely interested.

To me it is just a ceremony (and I personally have a strong religious faith but accept that my DC/future spouse may not) - I am more concerned that they have a happy relationship with the person they choose to marry rather than watch them go through a 'ceremony' on one day.

Blessing after an elopement I think would soften the blow, particularly if you involve her in a part of the planning - let her pick the flowers or something?

We had a blessing as DH and I got married in the UK with mostly my friends and family, then had a church service in our village in Denmark for his friends and family (and my Girl Guides ). The only difference in the Danish church between a marriage and a blessing is that you say yes twice during a marriage, and once during a blessing. might want to check that with a church of england person though. Also your dh can walk you up the aisle as you are already married. You still get to pick your hymns, your readings etc.

We planned and then eloped in 6 weeks.

We had it filmed which our families loved and proper softened the blow.

Wouldn't change it for the world!

I don't see the point of eloping if you then have all the faff but under the different name of "blessing".
Agree with others that you shouldn't have mentioned getting engaged or married to anyone and just gone off and done it if that's what you want.
I would refuse to discuss wedding plans and venues with her until you and your partner decide what you want. Eloping is supposed to be a cheap option, I'd just get on with it.

Why are you afraid of this woman? What can she possibly do to you?

I wouldn't make a drama if they did choose to elope, but I would miss doing all the planning with my children.

I want to be able to share in their happiness. I want to see my daughter in her wedding dress and to be able to finically contribute something to the wedding.

Piper but you can't assume any of those things. If your children didn't elope they still might not choose to involve you in the planning at all! I won't be involving my Mum or MIL.

I didn't elope either but my and my DH did all the planning together OK it was 99% me

Both sets of parents contributed but it wasn't expected - ILs weren't involved at all and gave a cheque on the day, my mum paid for some items but I chose them by myself.

If the financial support had come with strings attached we would have fallen out badly.

I don't know anyone who expected to do the plans with their parents. Only one of my friends did and mainly because her dad was paying - she found it very awkward and felt she had to do whatever he wanted.

You don't sound as if you are really completely certain you want to elope. You sound more like you just want your DP's mother to butt out. Is that the case?

If so, just don't tell her the date, plan the wedding you want then invite her with not much time to spare. If she makes a fuss say: 'we didn't include you because we knew you'd make a fuss.'

Don't miss out on a wedding if you do actually want one. If not, then, yeah, tell her afterwards.

"didn't know eloping was a secret thing"

Now I'm curious to know what you thought 'eloping' was, Kab13?

I think some people think it's just going away together to get married alone and in a different place from home.

I think OP thought eloping was 'getting married abroad' or something.

OP, seriously, are you and your partner adults?

Because it sounds like you are both scared of being 'told off' by his mum. If you aren't mature enough to ignore her demands and plan your own life then you really aren't mature enough to get married.

OP, I think you are misunderstanding 'eloping', which by its nature means something surreptitious you don't discuss with an irate future MIL. I do think it's an over-dramatic term, though, unless you are pursued to Gretna Green by said irate family member in your coach and four in a Regency romance.

We just got married in our local registry office without telling anyone, bar two witnesses. Everyone was fine with that once we got around to telling them, months later.

Postcard

If this is how you feel about your MIL now, don't get married. I am deadly serious.

OP, with the greatest of respect, having a "blessing" i.e. a church ceremony after you have already got married in a small private ceremony will be the absolute WORST of both worlds. You still have a ceremony-based day with all the MIL's interference and attention seeking but it doesn't even have a practical purpose because you're already married! At least with a plain old wedding you're actually achieving something (I say this on the assumption that you aren't religious and don't want a blessing for yourselves for that reason).

Also, you talk about havinga celebration when you get back- is it not really the celebration bit that she'll try to dominate anyway? There's not a whole load a MIL can do to intrude on a basic 15 minute marriage ceremony. Would it really be so bad for her to miss the actual moment you become husband and wife?

Options to minimise mil stress if you genuinely can't get her to respect boundaries in organising/ attending a celebration: elope properly and don't have any celebration , have a ceremony only with no party afterwards.