How to tell mil we're eloping

[Kab13]

Mainly posting for traffic.
Try and keep it simple. Difficult, "overbearing" (narcissistic) mil went crazy in the middle of a market when we slightly hinted about eloping. She assumed she would come "don't worry dad and I will pay for our flights" and was a little upset shall we say when we told her if we did elope it would be well...alone.
We've decided it's what we want to do, only problem is mil is super excited about planning and being the centre of our "big day".
I don't want a big day, I just want a marriage and celebrations when we return.
How an earth do I break this to her? Genuinely scared.
She's not paying for anything may I add, me and dp are forking out for everything. She will still be able to celebrate and play the "proud mother" act when we do that but I know it just won't be enough.
Don't think any of my family will care at all as long as there's a party ...it's literally just her

I thought eloping was getting married abroad/on your own with your partner. Which is what we want to do, but I actually like my family so wanted to discuss it with them and dh wanted to "test the water" with what the expect from is nutcase mum.
We are adults, but I can't help but want to avoid her throwing a hissy fit. Yes, I am genuinely scared of the woman! Pathetic huh?
In a way I would love a big wedding, purely because I have many people id love to see all together, people I don't see all together very often at all. My dad died when I was 10, it would be my only opportunity to see the people closest to him as they all live in Spain. However , as I started planning my big day I realised a) I'm petrified of walking down the isle alone and having 90 people watch me proclaim my love for dp and B)my mil thinks it's her day.
Hence... Elopement that isn't an elopement at all !

Rootypig..I know. That's crossed my mind many a time...we've already got a dd! So I'm bound to her for life already :( and I love dp and want to marry him. Although having his mothers second name sends shivers down my spine

Eurgh. Don't do it. Everything that is true of the wedding will be true of the marriage. Voice of bitter experience.

First why did you tell her? Think you need to work out if your eloping is more about hurting and annoying your mil or if it's really what you both want.

It's not really your task to placate her anyway. Why isn't your partner dealing with her.

I have to say I would be upset if one if my children felt so little regard for me that they pissed off and got married without telling us but then my kids wouldn't act like that. They don't need to.

Either way if she's a pita just do it and let your dh sort out the fall out.

Life is too short to play games.

Urgh!.. I hate it when people want to muscle in on relatives wedding plans. Stop worrying about your MiL's reaction. It is HER problem, not yours.
Parents have no right to have any expectations about how or where their children get married or whether they do at all.

All this 'I always dreamed he/she would have a big wedding, with us all there' is awful. People should get over themselves.

We told her because actually dp WANTED to tell her. As you say you wouldn't like it if your children ran off to get married with out talking to you.
It's cheaper.
We can include our honeymoon in our elopement. Again, cheaper.
We both dislike the idea of a big ceremony, we'd prefer an intimate one.
Life is far too short to play games, I agree. Unfortunately my mil spends her whole life playing games, this is why we are worried about the wedding.
It's not about hurting my mil, I have tried to involve her by agreeing to her making the favours etc but she never stops, she wants to make the cake (she's never made a wedding cake or even a birthday cake in her life) and has dragged me into dress shops just to ask if I'm too fat for the bloody dresses they sell.
Believe me, I've tried my best with this woman, she's not easy to like.

"Little regard for me"
This upsets me.
My whole pregnancy was taken over by my mil, my daughters first birthday was all about what she wanted, we have gone on holidays with her and missed my own mothers birthday for it, when we couldn't afford it in the first place! Gone over to her house when we lived a 2 hour drive away 1 day after giving birth because she wanted "quality time at hers with dd".
Stayed for weekends on end when dd wouldn't sleep properly and all we wanted was to be at home as a family and let her dictate far too much of our lives trying to please her.
She is the one with no regard, no regard for anyone but herself

No you misunderstood me op. I wasn't criticising you as you know your mil best and am sure she's a nightmare.

I was just probing if you really did want to elope or was it just simply to avoid her and annoy her. That's quite legitimate by the way if she's a pain.

Your wedding should be about you And your partner so be very sure that's really what you want to do.

The little regard remark is true but I don't treat my kids or their partners like your mil does you.

Just make sure it's what you really want to do and not what you feel forced to do.

Sorry I miss understood.
Yes it's what we want, well actually we want whatever will be the least hassle! Which I think a ceremony away from people that cause hassle would be.
And a get together when we return.
I think it's fairer to tell her before, rather than hiding it and sending her a "we've eloped" card with an invite to the celebrations.
Fingers and toes crossed

And why on earth would you go on holiday with her or drive there after your dd was born?

What does your partner think? Seems to me he should be the one putting his foot down.

Seems to me you are both running away from her rather than standing still and standing up to her.

Yeah... Kind of is running away from her. You're right.
Do has only just started to stand up to her, ie "no mum we can't stay for dinner" and he struggles with that.
Don't know how he will manage "no mum, you can't plan the wedding we are doing it"
He has never said no to his mum, not until he had a family and when he does it results in tears and screaming.

Op yes I agree tell her. And that's the first step to you both taking no more shit.

But it needs your partner to be 100% alongside too and doing the talking.

Let us know how it goes and good luck.

We didn't go abroad, but DH and I got married with just one witness each and a six month old DS1. We made the mistake of telling people we were planning to just do it lone and it caused no end of grief as family and friends tried to guilt trip us out of it.

In the end we just went ahead and did it, no one knew except our witnesses and it was fine.

My advice would be to keep quiet and just do it. Don't even hint at details, just keep schtum and run away.

That's the nub of the problem. She's controlled her little soldier up to now and probably the rest of the family and kicks off when she is stood up to.

Keep behind him and keep telling him to be firm. God some mothers really are a nightmare.

Your Mil isn't the problem, your DP is.

Until he starts to stand up to her properly you are fighting a losing battle.

Yep chipped has it in a nutshell.

I think if you would like your family around on your wedding day it is really sad that this dominating woman is affecting your relationship with them. I would first try talking with her (your DP) saying it is too much and if she doesn't back off you will elope. Find a stock phrase "this is our wedding, we will decide," "I'll put it in the idea book," "did you let your MIL choose your wedding dress/invites etc." and hammer it home every time she crosses the line.

If you do want to elope, by all means do, but it sounds like she is the main reason and that's not a happy one all about you.

I had a lovely half to my family (my mums) and a ghastly half (dads) and it does make me sad that the horrible gran ruined what could have been a nice relationship with my other GPs. I understand that my parents thought being our own little unit was easier than the point scoring and nastiness but idealistically I wish my mum had had MN and all the good assertive/NC advice.

Yes, my parents eloped.

"Screaming and tears"? From a grown woman? This is not normal. Speak to your DH about getting medical help for her.

Sorry, cut off too soon- my mother went a bit crazy during the menopause but HRT sorted it out. Could this be part of the issue?

Runner, mil cancelled her "big wedding" because her mil was telling her who to invite. They didn't even invite either of their parents to there wedding. Just friends! And that was in this country!
She went through the menopause a while back, she was just extra crazy then!

We are adults, but I can't help but want to avoid her throwing a hissy fit. Yes, I am genuinely scared of the woman! Pathetic huh?

It is pathetic. What are you scared of? What do you actually think she will do? If you think she will assault you, call the police. Other than that, it doesn't need to involve you, she can go and sulk and stamp her feet and hold her breath, or whatever.

Won't make any difference because you will already be married. You will have done it your way, the way you both want it, without any interference from anyone. Do it. Don't tell her, just do it and she will just have to suck it up.

Don't give screaming and tears an audience. Walk away and you will be surprised how suddenly it stops.

Agree with fairenuff. Why is as hissy fit so scary? So she gets upset, big deal, let her scream and rant. I don't see why someone shouting is so frightening. You walk away. Knife wielding psychos are scary. Shouty, weepy postmenopausal women are just a bit ridiculous. Yawn, roll your eyes and walk away.
If you don't want her to accompany you to dress shops you tell her it isn't happening and refuse to talk to her or see her.
No one can "drag" you to dress shops. Just say no and refuse to engage.
If your partner won't tell his mother to back off and stop being melodramatic and that it's not her wedding and she isn't even the mother of the bride so is being completely OTT then I wouldn't marry him.
I would be refusing to see this woman at all.