AIBU over Grandmother's will

[namechangenoony]

Have name changed as this is a sensitive issue, my head is all over the place on this one and I'd be grateful to hear other people's perspectives, sorry it's quite long.

My grandmother died recently, in her will she has divided up her money between all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren equally. Her estate was relatively big and this means that each share of the money is significant, not mega bucks but enough for a deposit on a first home or to pay a good chunk of Uni fees.

This is now causing a lot of friction in our family as some family members feel this is unfair on the grandchildren who do not have children, in their eyes this means the grandchildren who do have children are getting a bigger share because their children are also getting an inheritance and some feel they will have children in the future and their children will be disadvantaged compared to those who did inherit.

I do have children and my first thoughts were that it was my Grandmother's decision, she didn't have any dementia and as far as I am aware wasn't pressured into doing this, no-one in the family is arguing to the contrary. I also feel that there is a difference between those great-grandchildren who she has met, loved and had a real relationship with and those who may or may not be born in the future, DH and I are planning another btw.

This issue is causing a lot of bad feeling in our family and there is pressure to vary the distribution in the will so that all the children and the grandchildren get the same, in effect either cutting out or greatly reducing the inheritance of the great-grandchildren. I don't even know if this is legal and I'm very much opposed to making this decision on behalf of my children which will be giving away money which could be hugely beneficial to them. It's been so hard though and I keep thinking it's not worth the conflict and whether to suggest giving up my share to keep the peace but then I think why should I, this wasn't what my grandmother wants.

Thanks for reading.

Mona "I know my mum's will leaves her estate to me, my sister and both our daughters. Not a penny for my son as my mum dislikes boys. It's not the other three's fault and I will make it right for him but that's my choice."

Mona, I'm just being nosey - but what's your sister's take on this?

Bambambini she thinks its fair but then she wants all she get get for her daughter. She actually thinks if my two get a gift worth £50 each her daughter deserves a £100 gift. I refuse to be eaten up by such pettyness and I've had a while to get my head round it.

Haven't read all the thread, but some family want a share for future, theoretical children that your Grandmother will never meet? Good God! Perhaps it might have been fairer to leave it to grand kids and not great grand kids, since it would end up going to great grand kids anyway in time, but it was your Grandmother's call.

Petrarkanian: wrt the trust issue: it would not be legal, sury, for adults to deprive children of any of have money that they have been left, by name, in a will?

OP unless the adults choose to pool their money and leave it untouched, and give each new great grandchild the same amount as the current born ones until everyone has stopped having children , and then divide what is left between them, there is no legal way to re distribute yve cash. It cannot be taken off named beneficiaries who are minors.

She did clearly choose to leave it to relatives she knew and loved. She may also have done everyone a favour choosing to leave it across the generations rather than to the first layer of descendents who would then leave it to theirs in due course. Her way means gvat less ei be lost in inheritance tax a generation on.

I can see both sides of this.

I know that if my gran had left money to my cousins children but that the child I was pregnant with or planning weren't going to get the same benefit, I'd be upset about that. I'd be gracious about it, but it would sting that because of the timing of my Grans death, some children in the family would have more of a helping hand than others.

It seems like a no brainer to me to leave my estate to my own children in equal shares, they then have the choice to provide for their own children or grand children as they see fit.

From my point of view it was your Grandmothers money her will her decision.
Don't give away the money that your Grandmother wanted your children to have. She wanted your family to have it so it's yours. Don't worry about what everyone thinks.
I come across this sort of thing a lot. It always saddens me that money seems to mean more than family and let's face it your Grandmother divided it fairly. You are right. Stick to what you believe. I hope you are ok. It's never easy losing someone you love. X

Nothing like money in a will to get things going. About 6 years ago one of my Aunts died - my late Mums older sister. About 6 months later her husband died, they had no children. I was staggered when about 6 months after that I received a letter with a cheque inside for just over £25k. Apparently they had left a will that when the final one died the money was to be distributed equally between their siblings and in the event of the sibling having predeceased them their share would go to the deceased persons offspring hence my brother and I getting money each. A couple of my other Aunts weren't too happy about this (even though they have children of their own) as they thought the £50k we received between us should have gone to them as my Mum was dead. Tbh I was touched but just invested it and haven't spent any of it as I feel strange having it - I've only benefitted because my Mum has died and I would so much rather her be here still.

IMO yr Grandmother made her will as she wanted to and ALL her relatives should respect her wishes.

YANBU. My GM wanted to do the same but because of all the issues you raised she decided to leave to her 3 DC & asked they shared out between their DC & DGC to help them out. My aunt & uncle have done that, paying uni fees etc. My 'D'F has kept it all to himself. His decision.

I agree, your grandmother made a will to express her last wishes and it was her choice to divide her assets as she saw fit. If the family loved her, they should want to respect her wishes.

In any case, from what you said, it's highly unlikely that all the family will agree to make changes to the will — I'm guessing you're not the only one that thinks the will should be honoured. With out complete agreement amongst the beneficiaries, it will probably be impossible to alter it anyway.

I wonder how many wills I failed to benefit from before my birth! Ridiculous. I think your grandmother made the fairest and most sensible will that she could make at the time. It would be utterly stupid if her beneficiaries had to hang on waiting for years potentially, for more children to be born before her estate could be made use of by those she knew and loved.

I wouldn't worry about upsetting people who fail to respect your grandmother's wishes. Stuff 'em.

"wrt the trust issue: it would not be legal, sury, for adults to deprive children of any of have money that they have been left, by name, in a will?"

A quick google (www.hmrc.gov.uk/cto/customerguide/page21.htm) suggests that if all beneficiaries are over 18 it's doable if they all agree - otherwise it has to go to a court for approval. So I guess it would be legal if the court approved it, but can't be done any other way! And I suspect the court would then want a bit more justification than "it's not fair"! Certainly you would have to show that there was a reason why what the deceased wrote wasn't actually what she meant... which could be difficult as every beneficiary was named specifically rather than "all children / grandkids / greatgrandkids"...

However from the OP's POV it may be that she can decline her inheritance in favour of her planned other dc who isn't named, rather than having to find some way to pass the money on without any other tax bill. According to the link "The variation must be in writing and signed by all the beneficiaries who would lose out because of it." - if she is the only beneficiary losing out then the rest of the family don't have to agree...

No. YANBU. my dh's grandmother left money to all grandchildren and great grandchildren alive at her death. DD1 made the cut by 5 weeks. DD2 won't have that.

What are they going to do? What if they never have children? They end up with more? How is that fair? The only way to administer this would be via a family trust - not a great solution unless there is millions to sort out.

Tiggytape - As part of a family where the middle aged offspring gets megabucks spent on them at Christamas because they have no children I am concerned about my parents' will. Not for the reason people might think. I know money has been left to grandchildren and I just have the vision that while writing the will they forgotten that one hasn't got children and all hell will break loose.

OP I think it does get awkward when GPs don't just split equally between their children and leave each branch of the family to distribute the inheritance on their terms.

Interested in how "unfair" the family dynamic is? For example, does your parent have a sibling with no children "only" getting 1 part of the wealth, whereas your branch are given 1 for parent, 1 for you, 1 for your child, so at least 3?

I guess the numbers don't really matter but I could see how your childless uncle/aunt may feel a bit overlooked (if the split is that extreme...)

Can I add that I am the one with the most children so perhaps I am biased but why should my children suffer because I chose to have more children. It's not their fault

If I had lots of children (but I only have one) and grandchildren (none, alas) and oodles of money (I bloody wish) I would go per stirpes but whatever you do, somebody will think it is unfair.

I know of a group of cousins who had expectations from a rich and single aunt. She showed signs of playing one off against the other; so they entered into a secret deed to pool anything they got and divide it in a way they agreed. The all they had to do was to keep Auntie sweet so that she did not cut them all off in favour of the proverbial cats' home, and in that they were successful!

It seems to me that the parents with the most children only 'get more' if they are planning to spend the money on themselves. Otherwise it's one person=one share.

If you follow all this 'fairness' you have to say that the 2 year old should get more than the 12 yr old because the older one has had 10 more birthday presents from great granny than the 2 yr old! Where does it stop?
Just be pleased that great granny loved everyone enough to leave them a gift. She didn't love the child that might ( or might not) be born in 6 yrs time- she didn't know them!
My will is just for my children, but if I were to widen it it most certainly wouldn't include those not even conceived when I made it!

It is hard trying to be fair over inheritance. We have two sons, one with three children, the other none. Some time ago I sought the wisdom of Mumsnetters over whether we should take the number of their children into account when dividing our estate. I was told quite firmly on here that their differing family planning decisions were irrelevant and therefore we should simply divide everything equally between the two if them, and I am inclined to think that is right.

Your gran clearly took a very different view, but if that is what she wanted, so be it. It is wrong of family members to try to change her will.

Back - exactly! If my children are left money I can't spend it on myself so I am not getting any more than my siblings. Have to say I would not be surprised if they have left the money to my children and bugger all to me.

Since my DC do not have children at the moment they will share half and half. When we get to the stage where I have grandchildren and if I decide to change the will I will talk it over with them. I do not want to think of them resenting anything I decide to do.

Tricky - there is nothing wrong in splitting everything between your two sons. At the end of the day the one with children can blow the lot and leave nothing for the kids - it is their decision. What I personally feel is wrong is to give money to the grandchildren but take that away from the parent.

tinyshiyanddon in our family all of my grandmother's children, my aunts and uncles, have children, it's at my generational level, the grandchildren's level that there is a mix. I don't want to give specifics just in-case anyone from my family or their close friends is reading this but there's quite a spread of ages amongst the grandchildren's generation, some middle aged with teenage children, some middle aged and unlikely to have children through to single twentysomethings without children. Most of my grandmother's grandchildren have children though and not all of those who don't are objecting to the division of assists in her will but there's a couple of grandchildren, and their parents, with strong objections.

Mona up thread said that her mum is leaving nothing monad son as she doesn't like boys. Her sister is happy about this as it means her daughter is getting a bigger share. Yes, it's the mothers will bit it's shit and i wouldn't be happy about that, even if I was the sister getting a bigger share for my daughter. In wills some decisions are very unfair - do you always stick to an unfair decision just because the it was the will makers wishes?