AIBU over Grandmother's will

[namechangenoony]

Have name changed as this is a sensitive issue, my head is all over the place on this one and I'd be grateful to hear other people's perspectives, sorry it's quite long.

My grandmother died recently, in her will she has divided up her money between all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren equally. Her estate was relatively big and this means that each share of the money is significant, not mega bucks but enough for a deposit on a first home or to pay a good chunk of Uni fees.

This is now causing a lot of friction in our family as some family members feel this is unfair on the grandchildren who do not have children, in their eyes this means the grandchildren who do have children are getting a bigger share because their children are also getting an inheritance and some feel they will have children in the future and their children will be disadvantaged compared to those who did inherit.

I do have children and my first thoughts were that it was my Grandmother's decision, she didn't have any dementia and as far as I am aware wasn't pressured into doing this, no-one in the family is arguing to the contrary. I also feel that there is a difference between those great-grandchildren who she has met, loved and had a real relationship with and those who may or may not be born in the future, DH and I are planning another btw.

This issue is causing a lot of bad feeling in our family and there is pressure to vary the distribution in the will so that all the children and the grandchildren get the same, in effect either cutting out or greatly reducing the inheritance of the great-grandchildren. I don't even know if this is legal and I'm very much opposed to making this decision on behalf of my children which will be giving away money which could be hugely beneficial to them. It's been so hard though and I keep thinking it's not worth the conflict and whether to suggest giving up my share to keep the peace but then I think why should I, this wasn't what my grandmother wants.

Thanks for reading.

Marmite you were being spiteful, the OP was using the example of Uni Fees and house deposits to illustrate that the sum of money left was a sizeable amount, you were the only person who read into that she had 'mentally already spent the money', everyone else managed to see it for what it was.

Marmite I think you need to reread your posts. They come across as being unnecessarily unpleasant to me too. .

Thanks AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves, I know I'm being oversensitive but the last few weeks have been completely shit. I was very close to my grandmother and I'm devastated to have lost her and on top of that it seems like there's a family feud brewing. I didn't want any of this, I wish grandma was still here and I wish I wasn't caught up in this, I'm trying to do the right thing by everyone.

Thanks too emotionalecho and I'mTheOneThatKnocks x posted with you.

for you namechange, you will never do the right thing by everybody where this is concerned, you'll tie yourself up in knots trying to do so, someone will always be unhappy. It is such a shame, your Grandmother did a very kind thing by distributing her estate equally to you all and I am sure that's how she meant it to be received. It's awful for you and you have my sympathy.

Is there anyone outside the family who everyone would listen to who could speak up on behalf of your Grandmother's wishes?

I hope you are okay OP.

If it helps, I think your Grandmother has been perfectly fair.

She wanted to treat everybody equally and she has. Everybody has the same amount, you haven't personally received more than anybody else, and it's impossible to guess how many future great-grandchildren there may be or when they might arrive.

There is a potential imbalance for any future great-grandchildren, including the child you are hoping to TTC, but I still say it's unreasonable and impractical to expect your grandmother to make provisions for children who have not yet been conceived.

And I still think that regardless of what she had done, if someone is the type to feel hard done by, nothing would have been good enough for them and they still would have been arguing.

The option is left now with the people they have inherited to use their share of the inheritance as they wish to use it. Which in your case, is investing it to cover the possibility of any future children having a nest egg of their own.

There is nothing stopping the rest of the family doing the same thing with their share.

I also think it was perfectly clear why you were talking about house deposits or college fees, it gives a general idea of the amount of money you are talking about without you having to give the actual amount.

I hope you are okay. I don't think I said earlier, but I am very sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss, namechange, and also that it's been made harder by the family falling out over the will.

I think trying to keep everyone happy will exacerbate the bad feeling - when people are being unreasonable and greedy, giving in to them doesn't tend to mollify them, and it also causes resentment amongst those who feel that people are being rewarded for poor behaviour.

My guess is that your best chance of reducing bad feeling is to make your own decision and refuse to be drawn on the matter any further.

What do you think best honours the grandmother you loved so much?

Has all out pontificating helped you figure that out at all?

Thanks AliceLidl that's why I put the amount in those terms, but I think if any of my family had read this thread I would be identifiable, though no angry phone calls yet so I think it's unlikely. I didn't want to put loads in my OP about how close I was to my Grandmother and how much I miss her because I thought sympathy might sway people to see the issues around the will from my perspective when I really needed some neutral perspectives. Perhaps I came across as a bit cold in doing so though.

Thanks EverythingsRunningAway the responses have been helpful and I'm really grateful that most posters have been kind. It's good to hear that most people are saying that my grandmother's wishes should be respected and that lots of people have said just proceed according to those. That's what I've decided to do, some posters raised issues about the illegality of me taking the money left to my children and redistributing it and that really clinched that issue for me.

With regards to my share I'm not going to do anything yet, I'm going to put it away in long term savings either for a new DC if we're lucky enough to have one or if we're not then I will think about gifting some of it to any new great-grandchildren who arrive in my family. I've decided that now isn't the time to make these decisions though, we are all still grieving and emotions are running high for everyone. It's been helpful too hearing the perspectives of posters who felt my grandmother's will was unfair, not least of all because it's helped me take a step back from my relatives' behaviour and see that other people (without any vested interests) would also see it as unfair. This has softened my views on them and hopefully we'll be able to move on from all this. Ultimately though this was my grandmother's choice she was an intelligent and kind woman and I know she'll have done what she thought was best and fairest.

These sort of squabbles are so demeaning and nasty. The will is the will. Nothing should be changed. It is your grandmother's wishes which should be honoured. Stick to your guns and stand up for what she obviously gave a lot of thought to when she presented (and paid for) her wishes to be placed on a formal basis in order that no such arguments should take place. Once meddling with the Will takes place the family arguments will never end. Just keep saying that you want what your grandmother wanted. Don't enter into family disputes.

I hope it all works out for you namechange with regards to the Will and TTC.

I think you are doing the right thing, feelings are running high, people are grieving and perspectives can become skewed, I am sure things will settle down in time.