Ignored by the other mums

[newtoengland2014]

We have just moved to Surrey from Australia, and I am finding some of the mums at school very unfriendly! The first weekend we were here my daughter went to a birthday party. When we walked in all the parents did not even say hello, even though we said hello to them. The mum whose party it was did not even make eye contact with us. Since then at pick up they just ignore me. I tried to make eye contact, even just to say hello, but it hasn't worked. I can't figure what I have done wrong as I haven't had any contact prior the party to do anything wrong. It is starting to get me down as I don't know anyone here and I am worried this will effect my daughters friendships at school. Any advice?

I was the ignored Mum when DS started school. He has SN and the parents used to avoid me like the plague. It took a few weeks to figure out who all the mums were and then i realised that there was another mum who was generally ignored. I used to talk to her and she knew another mum who used to come and join us. The other Mum was on the PTA so knew a lot of other parents. Over time a few other mums would come over and talk to PTA mum and by default would end up talking to me and other outsider mum. By the end of the first time i had 3 or 4 mums that i would speak to. The main 'clique' of bitchy mums didn't bother with me but that wasn't really a bad thing.

*first term not time

Honestly don't waste your time giving them any head space. Why would you want to be friends with people that can not even make eye contact and smile.

Give it time there will be some nice friendly types.

Read Watching the English by Kate Fox: goo.gl/GIPHCx

It has a big section on how hard it is to say hello to English people. Try moaning about the weather next time - you'll fit right in.

It won't affect your daughter's friendships, because the mothers only hold sway preschool. It just takes time. Joining the PTA is a good way to get to know everyone. They are probably just lazy and take the easy way of talking to those they know.

Don't take it too personally. The only thing you have in common with these people is that your kids go to the same school. Would you choose them as friends? Probably not. As long as they are fine with the kids you don't need to bother.

Similar boat - moved to a new area. They all seem to know each other, etc! No one makes a massive effort, and some are plain rude! Really don't worry about it, you don't want to get involved with the 'clique' of mums. Just be polite when they speak to you, and do what I do, wait until the kids are out and swoop in and get your DC and get out of there! And it won't effect your kids friendships, we've had 3 party invites so far!

Another ignored mummy but at least you got invited- I never did

Yep, I'm ignored too! There are a couple (one) that will say hi but that's it. Ts because we didn't go to the preschool and don't have older children, whereas the majority do (pre school and older kids) so all know each other and have NO interest in anyone else.

As long as my DC has lots of friends and people to play with at school, I'm learning to not let it bother me. And yes, well done on getting an invite, we've had none!

... And that's why I hate Surrey. It's not personal, it's just how they are.

Just invite some kids for playdates, once one kid has been the others want to come. Let your daughter decide who to invite first. Some mums come with the kids and the ones you click with become a friendly face at the gate.

It was very rude of the party mum not to come and say hi. Just note not to accept an invite for next yr. I think in terms of building your own friends join some groups or a book club, then you can go five minutes before pickup / drop off and don't make any more effort. I do my online shopping whilst waiting at the gate.

Not everyone is like this - sorry you have had a bad experience. I'm based in Surrey and not this rude.

Percy- that's my experience of Surrey too, I know not everyone is rude in any given geographical location, or vice versa, but having lived in the south and the North, the North is much more friendly on the whole. At the very least you will always get a smile and a hello!

I accepted quite early on that sometimes the only thing you have in common is that your children go to school together and not much else. Try to develop other friendships elsewhere if they are not welcoming.

Sometimes there is just a culture of rudeness and it's horrible. The school where I work is the exact opposite and I am so glad of that. I have been to places with Dd that were just as you describe and it makes you feel really upset. I just cannot understand why some people can't even be bothered to say hello, it's just so rude.

I'm Northern

Time drop off and pick up to within 60 seconds of the DC coming out (that is what I have always done).
School is just the place the kids go. My friends and my life have nothing to do with their school.
I know some women do the whole PTA thing and get very involved and chummy. Just not my cup of tea.
Welcome to UK by the way and don't listen to the tosh about Surrey. It is a lovely county compared to dismal fucking Norfolk.

I will say though that years ago when Dd was at pre school there were these 2 mums that I used to see every single morning when we were dropping our kids off. I used to say a cheery "hello" or "morning, how are you?" and every single day they ignored me! One day, I must have been hormonal, I said in a really snotty voice "I SAID GOOD MORNING" to one of them! She looked really taken aback, muttered that she was just not a morning person and chatted very pleasantly to me ever since. She's quite a good friend of mine now! Sometimes people genuinely don't realise how rude they are being.

What sort of area are you in OP? Is it middle class-ish or working class? Mixed?

The best advice I can give you is to join the PTA. That's how I made friends at school. Just keep smiling and saying hi. How old is DD?

And another one here. I've made friends through my DD's friends, one really good one.

I moved into new areas several times and I found that being a bit pushy worked for me. I used to apologetically butt in and say that I was new to the area, that I didn't know anyone and that I was looking for friends. Needy but it worked for me. Some people might not have warmed to me but enough did for me to be able to fit in.

I found homing in on other expats also worked well. They are often more open to new people and more available.

I wouldn't take the other mums ignoring you too personally. It's probably that they are being really stupid and unthinking rather than being deliberately bitchy.

Its a bit like a battle of wills. appear not bothered and talk to no one and a couple of months later they come flocking.

Seriously the party mum was probably just stressed its easy to go one-tracked

And if it matters join the PTA seriously they will definitely be welcoming!

lol alternative approaches in the cross posts

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Ah, Surrey!
I had a similar problem there (bloody anti-social dog-walkers!), but was lucky with my neighbours.
It's not you, OP, really it isn't. If you've got the time, the PTA is a good place to start.