Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Ignored by the other mums

69 replies

newtoengland2014 · 06/11/2014 18:03

We have just moved to Surrey from Australia, and I am finding some of the mums at school very unfriendly! The first weekend we were here my daughter went to a birthday party. When we walked in all the parents did not even say hello, even though we said hello to them. The mum whose party it was did not even make eye contact with us. Since then at pick up they just ignore me. I tried to make eye contact, even just to say hello, but it hasn't worked. I can't figure what I have done wrong as I haven't had any contact prior the party to do anything wrong. It is starting to get me down as I don't know anyone here and I am worried this will effect my daughters friendships at school. Any advice?

OP posts:

cannotchange · 06/11/2014 21:03

i am often ignored and my DD is now in Y2, one of the reasons I think is that I am only there 2 days a week, but I have known all these parents since reception. To be honest I feel I can not do passing the time of day conversation any more, if I do participate in conversations I always feel that I ask all the questions such at the beginning of every term - 'did you have a holiday' etc, no one I don't think knows nor seems interested in anything about me. I have just experienced a second close family bereavement this year and the funeral is tomorrow and didn't have anyone to share it with, the playground felt a very lonely place today.
Plus there are certain people in the group who I have nothing in common with and it is the usual group mentatlity, you have to go and stand with the group even if you are ignored and it is dominated by the same pain in ass people, which I will not do anymore even if I look like and feel a knob standing on my own.

Original poster

newtoengland2014 · 06/11/2014 21:10

Thanks everyone for the advice. Just filled out my form for the PTA, hopefully I will meet some nice mums! My DD in year 5 at girls school and I think all the mums have known each other for awhile. She seems fine at the moment, and has friends which is good. Feel much better hearing from you all, thanks!!!!

OP posts:

BingBong36 · 06/11/2014 21:17

It's not nice being ignored! I would say as you have joined in year 5 friendships gave already been formed, just be smiley and chatty and before you know it you will have made lots of friends by the end of the year.

For what it's worth, I live in Surrey and my son's school everyone seems friendly.

Good luck!

Original poster

newtoengland2014 · 06/11/2014 21:18

Sorry to hear about your loss cannotchange must be hard not to be able to share it. All the best for tomorrow.

OP posts:

PoppyWearer · 06/11/2014 21:19

I'm the nutter from Surrey, see friendly types exist here too! who will talk to anyone in the playground or at a party.

You need an icebreaker...can you borrow a dog or a baby? Or yes, moan about the weather or the school's new policy on whatever or the homework. Do the others head off to the local Starbucks after drop-off and can you tag along or show up accidentally-on-purpose.

Also find out if there is a school Facebook network you can join. It helps to work out faces associated with names.

Agree PTA is a good way to go too.

But be prepared for a long slog, it probably took me a good 18 months before I had genuine friends at the school gate. Now they are great friends.

Chippednailvarnish · 06/11/2014 21:21

Move to Essex, I'll talk to anyone

Cocolabear · 06/11/2014 21:23

They maybe were having a bad day and sorry you have had a bad experience of the English. We are mostly quite nice!

The only advice I can offer you is find out who your DD is friendly with. You have not said how old she is but I imagine she is quite little. Ask her who she would like to invite over to your house and who she is friends with at school.

Arrange for that friend to go to your house after school. If said friend does not bounce out of school with your DD then write a note and leave it with teacher.

I always found DDs friends would bounce out of school together so you could suss out who the parent was.

trashcansinatra · 06/11/2014 21:26

I found that Australians were much more friendly and welcoming to us when we moved there than the British were when we moved house here.

It just takes more effort to get into social circles here but if you persevere it will be fine. Common interests like running or play dates work well!

DirtyDancing · 06/11/2014 21:37

Oh I'm fully English, friendly & usually confident person; but I'm experiencing a huge number of miserable & rude women on my one year of maternity leave!!! There are a lot about. I used to think I made friends easily & there were a lot of nice people in my area. But apparently as soon as some women have kids, they seem to think they are back in school playground themselves & their head automatically goes up their ass. It's a strange phenomenon. I got upset about it at first, but now I can't be bothered. Their loss 'cause I'm a loyal friend, who's pretty dam good fun!

Want2bSupermum · 06/11/2014 21:44

They are doing you a favour. Now you know they are rude don't bother trying to befriend them. Sign your DC for activities as the parents tend to be nicer.

I get a similiar attitude here in the US from the other mothers at DD's school. I put it down to them thinking I am only here temporarily (lived here 8 years and don't plan on moving EVER again) and my friend told me being at least 10 years younger with two kids doesn't help. Sounded petty but apparently most are having one child when they are 40/41/42+ with extensive fertility treatments to make it happen. Ironically we have DS starting at the daycare attached to the Head Start program. There I am the oldest mother and I don't speak Spanish (yet) so I can't win!

OpalQuartz · 06/11/2014 21:47

Reading your op again, you said you tried to make eye contact and said hello. Have you tried to strike up any conversations with people? Just trying to give the people the benefit of the doubt and wondering if they were daydreaming/not paying attention and missed that you'd tried to make eye contact or say hello? I know my mind's sometimes elsewhere on the school run!

Madeyemoodysmum · 06/11/2014 22:19

Essex is very friendly so I resent the north south divide rubbish.

I'm not from Essex BTW so not bias.

MehsMum · 06/11/2014 22:34

I second chipped and Madey: marvellous place, Essex

Chippednailvarnish · 06/11/2014 22:38

Totally agree - and I'm not originally from Essex either!

JeanetteDanielsBenziger · 06/11/2014 22:39

I'm almost as far North as you can get and have found myself ignored on many an occasion, So I think the North/South divide is also rubbish.

Phoenixfrights · 06/11/2014 22:39

Am northern. Live in Surrey. I really don't think you can say Surrey is universally unfriendly. Not my experience at all. I find it a friendly place to live. I think you've just hit upon a rum bunch, OP. Some year groups' mums can be lovely, others a right shower. Don't think it has much to do with where in the country you are.

RedSoloCup · 06/11/2014 23:30

lol also from Essex and I was going to say I smile and talk to everyone, literally everyone much to the disgust of my boss as I get hardly any work done (work in the local shop) silly people being friendly is more fun :-)...

SmellyFartado · 06/11/2014 23:31

School cliques are every bloody where, don't take it personally. Some individuals never progressed from the school playground themselves in terms of mentality. There's a few cliques at our school, two in particular being hilarious Legally Blonde types that don't mix but just loudly stealth boast about all sorts of shit. I say hello to a lot of the mums, dads and Grandparents but steer clear of the packs esp the Reese Witherspoon wannabes. Life's too fucking short for their nonsense.

As other posters have said above, some may go on to become close friends and some you could quite happy do with never seeing again.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 06/11/2014 23:50

Australians are more friendly and open so I can see its a bit awkward for you. There will be cliques but that's not to say the door will stay closed. I avoided the school playground for ages last year as it did my head in as it does lots of other mums. Children's friendships change so then will the parent dynamics. Now I'm around more at pick up things have improved and I'm socialising much more with the mums that suit me. There are some right manipulative cows and some mums who don't even realise they are ignoring you. It could be you turned up after some kind of drama had occurred and everyone was a bit out of sorts. Luckily most of the mums I can't stand who always like to think they are at the centre of everything, who I wouldn't have given the time of day to as a young adult, turns out most other mums can't stand them either, they just prise information out of everyone to gossip to everyone else as if they know everything about everyone and they don't. They're just weird wankers. Most of whom have no proper friends outside of the school gates even though they've lived in the area all their lives.

StrattersFeeear · 06/11/2014 23:52

I lived in Surrey for three looooong years.

I've lived all over. Surrey was the worst by a long, long way, I hated it there. It's supposed to be very 'again the furriners incomers' up here, but I've found everyone really welcoming and friendly, and I'm very shy. Surrey was a whole new kettle of fish, I've never met so many unfriendly, up themselves people :(

OpalQuartz · 07/11/2014 07:51

Have to say I know a South African guy who was living in England and moved to Australia, but then came back to London as he found the Australians unfriendly! So I guess the Australians are friendlier than English thing isn't set in stone.

Fannydabbydozey · 07/11/2014 08:16

I lived in a rather affluent area of Surrey once (I'm not affluent!) and it was the most unfriendly place. I really hated it. i can never work out if it was the planes or the people that pissed me off the most. I used to walk down the road deliberately saying hi and good mooring to other mums only to have sucked lemon faces back at me. Then there was my next door neighbour who was a young version of Hyacinth Bouquet and told me with a straight face that she wouldn't have mice in her house (loooooong row of victorian terraces) because she OWNED the house, doncha know, whereas we just rented ours….

When i moved to a small town in North Herts i couldn't believe how lovely everyone was BUT there's still the alpha mummy school gate shit. That probably happens everywhere. The first day i sat on the friendship bench near a load of mums and was royally ignored! It takes time too. I'd be an observer at the moment and see which mums YOU would like to be friends with.

Lushlush · 07/11/2014 14:30

I agree with the mumsnetts who find Surrey can be full of up themselves people. I would argue it must be exceedingly hard in schoolrun/plaground setting in that part of the UK.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2014 14:39

You sound really lovely, I most certainly woukd have said hello. Tge English can be very strange, rude at times like you are witnessing. My friend from Uganda said the same thing, she could not understand why people blew hot and cold. They are not worth it, treat them how they treat you. If you want to make friends, try doing a hobby or adult education class. In time you will make friends, don't worry

curlyweasel · 07/11/2014 14:39

(looks around) who said that?

Flip

1 2 3