Ignored by the other mums

[newtoengland2014]

We have just moved to Surrey from Australia, and I am finding some of the mums at school very unfriendly! The first weekend we were here my daughter went to a birthday party. When we walked in all the parents did not even say hello, even though we said hello to them. The mum whose party it was did not even make eye contact with us. Since then at pick up they just ignore me. I tried to make eye contact, even just to say hello, but it hasn't worked. I can't figure what I have done wrong as I haven't had any contact prior the party to do anything wrong. It is starting to get me down as I don't know anyone here and I am worried this will effect my daughters friendships at school. Any advice?

Must be Surry, move somewhere else in the UK op and you might find a totally different experience.

Well I live in surrey and can honestly say it varies. I'm not the most chatty person so would probably come across as unfriendly as would find it hard to approach others, would never blank somebody who approached me though. I was born here btw so have long experience. I do find people who have recently moved to surrey from London worse- really stuck up sometimes.

There are a lot of lovely people around and I feel I have at least 2 or 3 REAL friends at the school gates which is better IMO than a large group of acquaintances.

I live in Surrey. I moved here 6 years ago and have made some really good friends, some through the school run, toddler group etc. I don't think where I live is unfriendly at all, and most people have lived here all their lives...grandparents went to the same school etc. But they are very welcoming and happy to bring an 'outsider' into the mix.

You never know, they might be shy, or they'll have their own established friendships and don't feel comfortable chatting to someone they don't know very well. Having said that, I'd probably talk to someone who seemed a bit lost.

People rarely talk to someone they don't know unless there's a reason. Maybe join the PTA or volunteer for something, then you'll have TONS of people talking to you. Sorry that you're feeling sad by the way. Make the first move. A crowd of people is a bit daunting, but they won't all be unfriendly... some will be nice.

I was an ignored Mum too, DS didn't attend the nursery so other Mums had known each other a year before we came along.
The school playground can be really clicky but give it time and I'm sure they'll talk eventually.
I found being one of the first to arrive helps, it's much easier talking to another parent when it's just the 2 of you stood there, rather than a whole crowd.
Also, once your DC starts making good friendships you can ask if they want to come to play, then when mum comes to pick them up you get chatting.
And when you host a birthday party, people start chatting to you when you're the host.

It is much friendlier up North though (IMO)

'People rarely talk to someone they don't know unless there's a reason'

In Surrey.

But you can muster a hello or good morning, if somebody says it to you.

I don't think it's fair to say 'the english' or even 'people in surrey' are like that, it just depends on the individuals in the group. When I was on maternity leave I went to several different baby groups in my city, some groups were friendly and welcomed me like an old friend, some were very cliquey and I was completely ignored.

Maybe the mums you said hello to were just busy and distracted. I'm not sure the school gate is the best place to make new friends, and every kids party I have been to the only parents talking to each other are those who know each other from work or somewhere else, everyone else is too busy with their children to chat.

What Tobysmum77 said Its a bit like a battle of wills. appear not bothered and talk to no one and a couple of months later they come flocking. I did this and it worked a treat (also in Surrey at the time), I didn't do it intentionally, I just got fed up on being ignored and just decided to whip in and get pick up and drops offs done as fast as possible.

I also remember a couple of lonesome parties, the 3rd party I went to I took my kindle, sat down with it and was then inundated with chatty mothers for the rest of the party.

Some mothers never venture out of their little groups though, I know a few Mums who only ever spoke to the same one or 2 other people when I first met them 3-4 years ago, they still only ever speak to the same people now.

I've been going to school for years (dd1 now in yr 9!) and I'm still not in with the in crowd! I wait in my car until the last second. I hate the school gate cliques.

Why the hell have you moved here from Oz?!

Well I live in Hampshire but practically in Surrey and it is a mixed bag - probably a bit like everywhere really.

Pre-school was agonisingly cliquey, genuinely so, primary school felt a bit like that initially but now two years in it's actually great.

I think sometimes people who are insecure or shy can come across as aloof, especially if they are not people you would imagine to be shy.

I hope PTA works for you OP and that it all gets easier. Hopefully if you keep saying hello and smiling at people, asking about their holidays and who their children are etc it should eventually get better. It is horrible feeling unwillingly isolated.

It's not Surrey, it's people.

I've met some really unfriendly people from Yorkshire, Hampshire, Somerset, Essex, Suffolk... The list goes on. It's not county-specific.

There's a bunch of very unfriendly women in our school playground-in Surrey. There are also many, many friendly men and women there. And some who are shy/busy/don't have English as a first language etc etc.

It can be difficult to muscle in on a group. Those, ime, are not the ones you want to start with. Stand near a mum on her own and throw in the odd comment about the weather, or ask a school-related question, or ask where they got their coat/hat/boots. Admire their younger child/ren.

It's a numbers game. Some will be friendly. Some won't. Occasionally you'll strike gold and make a real friend.

Do they have a class rep? Are there Mums' nights out you could go on?

Pink People come here from Oz for all kinds of reasons. My DH came here from Oz for work. He's still here 12 years later. The UK isn't that shit you know.

It completely fuckign is Surrey. I had the misfortune to live there for a year, it is the only place I have lived where the only time people would talk to you was to be a dick about something e.g. item left in garden overnight or such trivialities. I haven't lived anywhere else in the UK where I've made no friends at all, and I have lived in Scotland, Wales, England (only missing N Ireland from my exciting UK residential tour), over 10 different counties (lost track), from far South West to Aberdeen. I don't know what it is about the south east outside London (London is much nicer, though bit overwhelming, but at least people don't treat you like crap on their shoe all the time) but whatever it is, I wouldn't want to stay long enough to catch it. I have met more friendly people in an almost entirely Welsh speaking area of Wales, as a monolingual English speaker, than I did in fucking Surrey. OP, can you move?

Is it not Claw?!

Ha! Woodlice I was just going to say 'Move to Wales'!

Come up north. I talk to anyone me, it can backfire though.

I was invited out for a pint whilst the school disco was on by DD8's best friend 80 odd year old grandad. Bless him.

Sorry op didn't mean too make out you were just anyone. You sound perfectly lovely.

Grown women in cliques is just a bit sad. Grown up version of mean girls

WoodliceCollection

I'm really sorry you had such a bad experience in Surrey, but such sweeping generalisations are generally at best misguided and at worst really offensive.

OP- whatever anyone says, there ARE nice people around, who don't have unpleasant attitudes or opinions- even in Surrey. Sometimes it can take a little longer to unearth them, but they are there.

I hope you find them soon.

Shodan is right.