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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable?

22 replies

StuntNun · 06/11/2014 10:38

I am 15 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. It's an unplanned pregnancy that came as quite a surprise since our DS3 took years to conceive. DH didn't want a fourth child as he thinks our three are very hard work: two have minor special needs and one has food intolerances. I wanted another one because of the big age gap (6.5 years) between DS2 and DS3. After finding out we were expecting DH asked me not to tell anyone. He finally relented and told his parents last week as my bump is getting obvious so they were sure to figure it out soon. However this morning he asked me not to talk to him about the pregnancy any more because it's stressing him out. It's stressful for me too, wondering how we'll cope with a newborn but I don't see how not talking about it is going to help. So is he being unreasonable to ask me not to mention the pregnancy to him?

OP posts:
duckwalk · 06/11/2014 10:41

If he didn't want another baby he should have taken steps to prevent it from happening, and certainly discussed the options with you (vasectomy/sterilisation/contraception).
He is being very unreasonable by not wanting to talk about it, as you say it's not going to help.

Maroonie · 06/11/2014 10:43

Think he is being impractical really! How can you possibly have a pregnancy and not mention it? And how does he expect to cope with the challenges of having a new member of the family if you can't plan anything because you don't talk about it!
Requesting a break from talking about it (for a short period of time) could be okay but to try and ignore that fact it's happening seems unrealistic and immature.

cailindana · 06/11/2014 10:43

Ams is right. You don't have the option of ignoring this pregnancy and it's bloody fucking ridiculous for him to just opt out. It's stressing him? Diddums, he doesn't have to carry the baby day in day out.

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

dontknowwhatnametopick · 06/11/2014 10:46

Yes I think he is being very unreasonable! Ok it may not be the perfect situation for you both BUT it is happening and it needs to be talked about, its real, he needs to get a grip and deal with it, end of!

Oh and congrats :)

hoppingmad · 06/11/2014 10:47

I disagree. Unplanned pregnancies do happen and I'm sure, in hindsight, he may regret not having had a vasectomy.
Hindsight is no use now though, op is pregnant with a baby her husband doesn't want. I don't think pushing him further will help at this point.

He has obviously accepted that a 4th baby is happening but he's not ready to get involved in all the baby talk just yet. My dsis was the same with her unplanned 3rd baby. She needed time to get her head round it.

Give him some space and time to adjust. Adding pressure just now could cause more problems than it solves.

FluffyMcnuffy · 06/11/2014 10:49

Do you think there's a chance he feels tricked into a fourth seeing as he knew you wanted another and he didn't?

Either way he's being ridiculous expecting you to keep it a secret!

Original poster
StuntNun · 06/11/2014 10:59

We didn't use a condom Blush which is how DS1 was conceived as well. I didn't object because I was willing to take the chance of getting pregnant. I don't know why he decided not to use one but it isn't the first time he hasn't used one since DS3 was born. It took about 2.5 years to conceive DS3 so I feel very fortunate to have conceived so easily this time round, especially at 38 years old.

OP posts:
FluffyMcnuffy · 06/11/2014 11:03

Well then he's got no right to complain at all.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 06/11/2014 11:08

Of course you can't go through the whole pregnancy without discussing it.

However, I think you should tell him that you do need to have a discussion, but you'll give him a few weeks to get his head around it first.

PiperRose · 06/11/2014 11:31

I'm confused. You say this is an unplanned pregnancy, but neither of you were using contraception.

Both of should really be on the same page when it comes to having sex without protection, and I think you have both been majorly unreasonable by not having that discussion first.

BUT his behaviour now is ridiculous. You made a mistake and now you BOTH have to deal with it.

Pagwatch · 06/11/2014 13:24

I think you are both being unreasonable tbh but that's not the point is it?
What is most likely to secure the two of you accepting and embracing this pregnancy?
Personally I think it sounds as though he is ( rather stupidly) freaked out and is trying to come to terms with a future 4th child.
If it were me I would give him some space , give him a chance to process this.
You are processing by talking about it. He wants to deal with it differently. I would accept that and give him a few weeks

MajesticWhine · 06/11/2014 13:29

He is being unreasonable, but he probably needs some time to get to grips with the idea. He'll come round in time.

Original poster
StuntNun · 06/11/2014 13:35

Piper we've always been a bit haphazard about contraception but it's never been a problem until now.

It's a very difficult request for me to actually be able to do. What's going to happen in a couple of weeks when I feel a kick and accidentally say, Oh the baby's kicking? Am I going to get in trouble for bringing it up again? He may be able to pretend it's not happening but he's not dealing with clothes that don't fit, sore boobs, peeing all the time, having to remember to take aspirin and desperately trying to maintain some level of fitness so I don't end up crippled again this time round.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 06/11/2014 13:41

At what point will he allow you to talk about the baby? When you are waddling round the house? When you're in labour? At the kid's graduation? Hmm

He is being childish. Pretending it is not happening is not going to make it go away and eventually he is going to have to face it. He needs to grow up a bit, tbh. He chose to not take precautions, now you are pregnant. That happens. He needs to get on with it. It is unfair of him to demand that you act like you are not pregnant and therefore make no requests of him, don't involve him in any way and don't expect any support (because that's what he's asking) all because he didn't want to put something on the end of it.

I could come round to yours and shake him silly.

Davsmum · 06/11/2014 13:47

Stressing HIM out??! What about you? Where are his protective and supportive instincts?

Your DH needs to grow up. Is he usually so immature and childish?
You cannot go on, watching what you say just because he has a problem.

Are you sure he did not just mean, don't talk about it any more THAT day?? I really can't believe any grown man and a father of three would say such a stupid and selfish thing.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/11/2014 13:58

Have you talked about anything else since you found out you were pregnant? ie: are you obsessively talking about how you are going to cope and he just came out with one of those stupid statements people make and then wish they could retract.

Or is he genuinely a bit dim, rude and inconsiderate?

HolgerDanske · 06/11/2014 14:00

Yeah I imagine he must have meant please don't talk to me about it today. Otherwise he really is being very unreasonable and he will just have to get over it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/11/2014 14:08

Book him in for a vasectomy and give him something else to think about Grin

Davsmum · 06/11/2014 14:39

Yes,..Excellent idea,..He would deserve that! Grin

Original poster
StuntNun · 06/11/2014 14:40

No I really think he doesn't want to talk about it for the foreseeable future. He's coming to the anomaly scan in December so that might bring it all home to him. I haven't been going on about it at all as I'm a little bit shellshocked myself but I'm trying to remain positive that we will cope. We have three children already after all so it's not like we don't know what we're doing (apart from when it comes to contraception evidently). We have a big enough house (DS2 has already offered to share a room with DS3) and a seven-seater car so we're not dealing with any logistical issues. We already have all the gear, baby clothes etc. so unless it's a girl we won't need to buy very much at all.

I asked him if he wanted a vasectomy after DS3 was born but he said it was 'too permanent'. I want to get my tubes tied while they're doing the section but he doesn't agree with that either as it's 'too permanent'. So he doesn't want to face up to the responsibilities of contraception but he also doesn't want to have another child.

I've booked myself a private scan and I'm going to take my MIL along to it as she's never been to a scan before. In my head that's my 'price' for silence and I'll try my best to honour his request not to talk about it. It's not going to be easy as I tend to blurt out whatever's in my head at the best of times. But all I can do is give it my best shot and hope that he can come to terms with it in his own way. Maybe it will be a girl and there will be sufficient gushing from the prospective grandparents to make him feel excited too as both families are rather boy-heavy.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 06/11/2014 15:25

Blimey!,..I would stop pussyfooting around him! YOU are pregnant for goodness sake - It is you who should be being supported and understood,..not him!
Can't you have a word with his mother to see if she can knock some sense into him? If my son treated his wife like that I would slap him!

Littlef00t · 06/11/2014 15:35

I would give him a week to get his head around it then make him face reality. Not talking about is not going to make it easier to accept, but a short period of time for the shock to wear off seems reasonable.

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