To be really nervous and uncertain about how to tell our DS's about their estranged half brother.

[mameulah]

First off, please don't flame me.

The backstory...

My DH has an almost 20 year old son from a previous relationship whom he has not been in contact with until recently. His son lives quite far away so now contact is quite sporadic. I am not going into the reasons as to why it is like that but it is and now that we have two of our own boys I don't know how best to handle the situation.

The situation is odd because my DH's parents don't know about his oldest son, because of this a lot of the people we know don't know either. His parents are not lovely. They don't know about our youngest son either.

Basically my preferred option is that our DC always know about their oldest half brother, eventually meet and somehow we all forge a relationship together.

I guess what I am asking is how do I present this information to them without them thinking they have a 'bad daddy'?

Anyone out there with any experience that could help me?

I don't want to discuss this with anyone in real life, hence turning to me.

I was the estranged child, and my half siblings only found out about me in their thirties. They were all so supportive of their mother and the reasons she had not told them about me. I don't know what they really feel though as we no longer have any contact.

Really, the best thing is to talk about it now, so there is never a big 'reveal' to be made. I wish I had been told about my family circumstances all along because the 'reveal' has the potential to harm. They may just grow up knowing they have a grown up brother they never see

Honesty is the best policy. I told DD (4) that her beloved brother, who has lived with us for 8 years, has a different mummy about 2 years ago. She just accepted this. Every now and again his mum is mentioned (he doesn't have much contact, his choice, he is 18). Then recently she said she was my first girl & mentioned DSS being my first boy, I gently said though I love him he has a different mummy. She just said "oh I forgot!" & carried on with what she was doing. As long as they are reminded occasionally while not making a big deal it goes in without becoming a head fuck for anyone.

Then it is not like the shock I got at 15 to discover my parents first born died months before I was born which set up all sorts of feeling of loss & betrayal at not being told before. As they get older maybe do as other posters have suggested & show them photos of him & get kids to do drawings for him so when family do come together u have a way of showing him he was never a guilty secret, your boys always knew about him. As for PIL, if they can't be civil or involved, they shouldn't be a major concern for you. Good luck x