To be really nervous and uncertain about how to tell our DS's about their estranged half brother.

[mameulah]

First off, please don't flame me.

The backstory...

My DH has an almost 20 year old son from a previous relationship whom he has not been in contact with until recently. His son lives quite far away so now contact is quite sporadic. I am not going into the reasons as to why it is like that but it is and now that we have two of our own boys I don't know how best to handle the situation.

The situation is odd because my DH's parents don't know about his oldest son, because of this a lot of the people we know don't know either. His parents are not lovely. They don't know about our youngest son either.

Basically my preferred option is that our DC always know about their oldest half brother, eventually meet and somehow we all forge a relationship together.

I guess what I am asking is how do I present this information to them without them thinking they have a 'bad daddy'?

Anyone out there with any experience that could help me?

I don't want to discuss this with anyone in real life, hence turning to me.

People on here say all sorts of things they wouldn't say to someone's face. I don't think you would have to explain anything unless the people around you are very rude.

Another vote for just introducing him in conversation and photos as early as possible, so that it becomes "normal" and not "a thing".
PP mentioned young kids not truly knowing what grandparents are - I think that's a valid point, kids who grow up with certain "people" around them know that those people are special, they visit often, whatever, but they aren't doing any kind of family tree for years to come. So, for your immediate family, I think everyday conversation is the way to go, so that the younger kids grow up knowing of "big brother" even though he doesn't happen to live with you.

We have a similar situation in extended family - but the "kids" are in their 40s, and the step-brother must be in his early 50s. Extended family know of the step-brother - although like many a good family secret, it only came out at a funeral! But in all seriousness, it breaks my heart to think the brothers don't know of each other ....... Is it our place to tell them any of this when their parents pass away etc?

My dc have always know about DH daughter.

He tried his hardest to be in his daughter life, but court orders and going back and forth court meant nothing to DH ex. She was warned that she would be in serious trouble if she didn't follow through with the orders.

In the end we couldn't afford to fight no longer in court, we had ds by then which needed clothing and feeding so we dropped it.

Dh is a fantastic father.

Op just don't keep it a secret

You normalise it as much as you can, is what you do!

Your dc aren't actually an issue. They're old enough to be 'introduced' by way of photos and cards etc.

I know you say you're not a picture in a frame type of family but, with all due respect, the least you can have is a picture of the young man!

I'll never forget my sd telling me how good it felt to walk into our house and see 'evidence' of herself here; a picture she'd drawn on the fridge (she was in her teens btw.) Photos scattered round the place. It made her feel part of the family.

You don't say if you knew about his son's existence or not. I think this is important. If you knew and you were happy with 'ignoring' it then this will be even more difficult for you to deal with/explain.

If you didn't know then you risk dh looking like a total bastard.

I honsetly get how hard it is. My dh, I don't think, was a great father to sd. And certainly their relationship has improved with effort on my part as well as his.

On the other hand, he is wonderful with my own dc.

DH has issues too. But they're not an excuse not to step up as a parent.

Long before we had dc his relationship with sd improved. I wouldn't have it any other way!

You need to start seeing this son as a part of your life and not a secret to be handled.

Good luck!

I think at that age they will just find it exciting. I remember when dd2 was in year R, one of her friends suddenly discovered she had 2 half siblings living in Australia. Dd2 came running home in great excitement to ask "Have I got any half siblings I don't know about?" and was most disappointed to be told that she hadn't.

I have an older half brother and sister who lived many miles away when I was little. I always knew about them, and it never felt strange to me - children just accept their family however it is set up. Now I am an adult I am very pleased my siblings were never kept secret from me. I can totally forgive my dad for having a previous relationship that broke down (nothing to forgive there really) but I don't think I could have forgiven him if I'd found out years later that I had siblings that he'd never told me about.

You need a photo. Point it out every now and again and talk about who it is of. Explain he is their brother (even as a child I hated my siblings being called 'half,' to me they were just my brother and sister) and aa they get older all you need to say is that he is their brother because they all have the same daddy but he has never lived in their house because he has a different mummy and he always lived with his mummy. They will accept that very easily and as long as they know he is talked about and thought about they won't question daddy's parenting skills towards him!

As for other people, it's really not all that unusual for people to have children from previous relationships. Most people won't bat an eyelid. The only problem would be if your husband refused to acknowledge the other child. For example, I was totally not bothered when I learned that my new BIL had an older son from a short relationship. Fair enough, these things happen. However, the fact that he never sees his son does bother me.

My dad had a child with a woman he had a short relationship with after he split from my mum, , I found out when I was 14 from a kid at school, that was humiliating, I didn't have the confidence to ask my dad about it (a thread on it's own). My mum knew but never told my brother and I as I don't think she ever knew how really, all the family knew and most of the village gossips, I was very hurt and angry.
I spoke to dad when I was in my early 20s and he said that the agreement was he would stay away as the mum didn't want him around. I so wish I'd pushed it as dad died suddenly a few years ago, I have questions that will never be answered, I've tried uncles etc but no luck.
My brother thinks he may have found her from birth record searching, she lives a few miles away from me, we would both love to meet her but accept that this lady may not have any idea about my dad, she coukd have grown believing thinking someone else is her dad and I couldn't pull the rug from under her like that, the person who has to answer her questions isn't here anymore. I truly hope that my sister is happy and has a happy life and feels loved and secure and has all the things my didn't give her.

OP I say don't keep it a secret, just be matter if fact about it and the children will ask questions as they grow which you can the add more facts to as their understanding increases, it won't be weird to your dc if you make them aware from the start, I do agree that your DHs son needs considering a lot too, and he needs to make a relationship with your DH first and that could take a long time, if your dc are at least aware of him it won't be some shock, they could make pictures etc for him so that when/if the time comes that he makes relationships with your family he will know he was in your thoughts etc.

Meant to say my DD. (9) knows she has an aunt out there and we talk about her often, as she has grown I've explained why I don't see her or why i haven't met her, she draws picture for her every now and then, like when she is drawing or making stuff for her other aunts and uncles. I have them all in a little box and if my sister should ever contact me and want a relationship I can show her that even though I've never met her I've loved her and thought about her and she is part of my family.

Community don't need to know anything but if you feel you must explain, the short matter of fact reply pps have said is more than enough. It may be a mess now, but you and your DH have an opportunity to untangle some of it, you can't change the past but you can work to make it right.

I think your children are the easy part, they are young enough for this to be totally normalised for them.

It sounds like the issue is how you deal with the inevitible question of 'why did your DH not see his son for xx years'

I think if people are honest, that would be the first thing that would come to anyones mind when learning of his eldest child. Some people may jump to conclusions, some may judge, some may not care either way.

How you deal with those questions is up to you, you are obviously struggling with it. Is that because you are worried about judgement? or because it is something to be judged?

Really hard to say without knowing the circumstances.

I know someone in this situation. They have a half sibling from their dad's previous relationship.
They were just told that said sibling was with the other parent and not much explanation was given other than that! Tbh though, other than a few meetings when they were teens they haven't felt the need for contact as this person had never been part of their lives. They're now middle aged and still don't discuss the sibling at all.

If it were me, I think I'd explain (when you feel the need to) that daddy had another baby a long time ago and although he loved it very much, daddy and the babies mummy couldn't get on so daddy had to leave. Explain that they're really lucky to have a big brother somewhere and that hopefully they'll meet him sometime soon, but don't put a timescale on it. As others have said, make it a part of normal conversation and they'll accept it.

Luckily you've got a few years before you'll need to have this conversation so the situation may be wholly different by then.

I think your children will be fine for now, but as they get older they may question why their dad abandoned his first child and wonder if he will do the same to them.

You can't ask your children to keep this a secret so as people find out you may get one or two who distance themselves from you.

I was discarded by my dad, nobody in his life now apart from his wife will know he has children. I would distance myself from people like this. I can't think of them as good people and wouldn't want anyone like that in my life.

a friend of mine found out her father had older children when she was 16. it took YEARS for her to forgive the feeling of betrayal and being lied to.

she was fine with the older siblings (and they did tend to spoil her a bit) but she couldn't manage to forgive her father (and her mother, they weren't her children but she knew) for keeping it from her.

Don't have that happen in your family. Make it normal that he's mentioned as they grow up.

I am in a similar situation with DD. She met her father for the first time last year when she was twelve. They've now met a few more times and she's supposed to be seeing him at the end of the month.

She has two half-sisters who are four and one. The four year old doesn't know that my DD is her sister (God knows who she thinks she is). Similarly, I don't think that DD's father has told his parents that he's having contact with DD, so essentially her grandparents don't know she exists.

I find it hard to bite my tongue, but DD is thankfully fairly laid back and so far hasn't said anything about the weirdness of the situation.

What will happen in the future I don't know. Knowing her father, he'll probably disappear into a black hole again, ignore DD and play the role of a doting father to his other two children .

Thank you all, again!

There is a lot of therapy in this thread, for me anyway.

Whoever said that it is me struggling to cope hit a nerve. I am sure that is part of it. I don't want my DH judged and obviously he will be.

He messed up, it makes me so sad that he has had to live with the burden of being an absent parent. And how missed out on enjoying his oldest son, and what his son missed out on by not knowing him.

It goes without saying that this has obviously been most difficult for his oldest son and within all of this thread please trust that I do know and recognise that.

Wow. As I said before, my family is so tight, I never thought that a situation like this would belong to me.

What about estranged GP's? At the risk of hijacking my own thread how the hell do I explain that?

So, was he kept from his son or did he choose to stay away?

And did you always know about him or only just find out?

If by estranged GPs you mean dh's parents I think it should be up to him to tell them, not you! (I mean that nicely, btw).

Yes, people will judge him. There's nothing you can do about that but stand by him and help him heal some of the wounds.

His parents are, I think, entitled to feel angry and disappointed with him.

I think, for your own sake, you should acknowledge that people are entitled to their emotions and you can't protect your dh from their feelings or their opinions on the situation.

Yes I have always known about his oldest son.

His parents have been disappointed with him his whole life. This would make no difference.

Yes by estranged gp's I mean his parents. We would both be responsible for telling our DS's. But what to say?????? 'They are in a massive huff because we asked them to phone before coming round' . Somehow that doesn't seem to cut it.

Also, was he kept away or did he stay away?

A bit of both.

No one told me or my brothers about our half brother until we well in to our twenties. I am still irked by this and it's caused a lot of pointless imaginings and some bitterness on my part. I've never met him, and as my (now deceased) DF was NC with his birth family maybe I never will.

The whole situation is very sad really and I lost a lot of trust in, and respect for, my parents as a result of it.

I think you should be honest with your children about what's happened in your family in an age appropriate way. The sooner the better.

I think cold, hard facts are the best way to go.

Honest and to the point.

If he has a strained relationship with them anyway there's no point in doing it any other way.

Look, it's not going to be easy, of course it's not. But dh could see this as paying his dues and focus on learning to be a good father.

I agree that you normalise it.

We had a similar situation but different. DH was married previously (no children involved) and didn't want to tell our DSs. I persuaded him that it was far better that they had always known and didn't really think anything of it than that he tried to keep it a secret and it came out one day. He was worried that they'd view him negatively.

We told them when they were little, they were interested for a few minutes and asked a few questions like "so where did daddy's other wife go?" and "why do people get divorced?" and that was it. Now for them they've always known, its no big deal and it very rarely comes up.

What other people think is irrelevant in this situation - it is about you & your family. Those who are giving the OP grief about the situation you are not helping, yes we all feel for those who have had to deal with this type of situation, but at least the OP is trying to make the best of it for everyone. She has already said she won't go into the circumstances and I don't think it is for anyone to judge a man they know little about - life is not always straightforward.

OP tell them all about him & make it a normal part of their life - I found out about 2 half brothers I had when my dad decided to tell me when I was 11. I had already met one of them but didn't know who he was at the time - it definitely messed with my head & I can't see why he did it the way he did. It would have been much easier to just get on with it & tell me as soon as I could understand. I don't have a great relationship with these brothers (they are quite a bit older than me which doesn't help either) but I can't help thinking I might have got to know them better if we'd met earlier in my life.

I agree with what others have said, make him a part of their lives from the off & they will not think anything more of it. Does the older child want to meet his siblings? Does your OH have any contact with him?

The absent GP I agree are your OH's issue, however people everywhere have relatives they don't contact for one reason or another so this is not as unusual as you might think.

Good luck.

mame

I think you need to remember that you know your DH, know the story, still love and respect him. So you clearly think events were understandable/forgivable if not ideal.

So be confident in that knowledge and project it a bit. Don't be ashamed. People don't need to know the ins and outs.

We would both be responsible for telling our DS's. But what to say?

Just be honest, but in an age appropriate way. When they are little, maybe 'They were not kind to us, so we don't see them.' or similar. My young neighbour used to tell me how is my granny, but we don't see

I agree - you need to be honest in an age-appropriate way, just stick to the bare facts in the most basic terms, and let them ask questions - answer those and they'll just accept it and let it go.

You're overthinking it at the moment - you're talking about them as though they're young adults, and they're not! Currently you have the best opportunity to bring these subjects into their lives with the least impact - so do it soon and with as little fuss as possible.

Children accept their lives as normal. I grew up with umpteen unconventional combinations of family and just accepted it. As my family is spread out and many relations seen sporadically, I talk to my DCs about the cast of family members who have a slight role in their lives.

I met my father as an adult. I ended up at the same school as my cousin's which was a bit of a head fuck at the time as I didn't know if they knew of me, or knew who I was. I'd worked out who one was, and the day he got sent into my lesson was most peculiar.

I was an open secret in my paternal family. As an adult it's easier to be presented as X's Dd to someone who didn't know than it would be if I was of an age of dependency.