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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really nervous and uncertain about how to tell our DS's about their estranged half brother.

77 replies

mameulah · 04/11/2014 00:28

First off, please don't flame me.

The backstory...

My DH has an almost 20 year old son from a previous relationship whom he has not been in contact with until recently. His son lives quite far away so now contact is quite sporadic. I am not going into the reasons as to why it is like that but it is and now that we have two of our own boys I don't know how best to handle the situation.

The situation is odd because my DH's parents don't know about his oldest son, because of this a lot of the people we know don't know either. His parents are not lovely. They don't know about our youngest son either.

Basically my preferred option is that our DC always know about their oldest half brother, eventually meet and somehow we all forge a relationship together.

I guess what I am asking is how do I present this information to them without them thinking they have a 'bad daddy'?

Anyone out there with any experience that could help me?

I don't want to discuss this with anyone in real life, hence turning to me.

OP posts:
FindoGask · 04/11/2014 05:26

Another one here with experience of finding out about a half-sibling in adulthood: my mum had a baby very young, who was adopted. I wasn't angry or hurt in the slightest - actually rather relieved, as a lot of things suddenly made sense. Meeting my half-sibling and being in touch with them (sporadically for me, my mum is in more regular contact) has been a really positive experience.

The sibling in question wanted to trace my mum, so she kind of had to tell me - I'm still not sure whether she would've otherwise. For various reasons I'd had an inkling for a while, but had pushed it mostly to the back of my mind, as I knew I'd never raise it with mum without her talking about it first.

Your children won't think they've got a "bad dad". I think even very young children can understand about their parents having had lives before they came along.

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 05:30

I am a secret child. Or rather I was a secret child. My dad left when I was 11 and my sister 17. He had another 2 children and we were kept a dirty little secret until the kids were teenagers needless to say it was not a good outcome and we are NC withy father and his family.

To be honest I wouldn't be remotely concerned for your children but rather his other so.

imagine how that feels to his other discarded child.

nooka · 04/11/2014 05:45

My uncle had a child when he was young, and then remarried many years later, had another child, her mum (my aunt) died and then he married again and had five more children. The older brother lived in a different country and contact was pretty intermittent for many many years. The age gap was not quite as big (15 yrs maybe) but I don't recall it ever being an issue, just part of their father's quite interesting past.

I don't think that they met before the older brother was quite grown up, and they didn't have pictures of him up or anything like that - I don't think that there were presents between children, or any particular attempt to forge bonds. He moved to a closer country a few years ago and they became friends, but it was more of an uncle type relationship than a brother/sister one. Not that that is an issue really.

I think that as people tend to have slightly more complicated families now (or at least more openly so) it isn't that big an issue. Your boys will accept that they have an older brother, but as he is an adult they probably won't be hugely interested unless he visits (and is fun or brings presents!)

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 05:49

Also I'll never understand any woman having more children with a man who clearly doesn't give a fuck about the ones he already has.

Flangeshrub · 04/11/2014 05:59

I'm also wondering why you're so concerned about the wellbeing of your boys and not the older DS? He is the one without a present father. He is the one that needs explanations. He needs a relationship with his siblings. Not two babies.

Is your DH REALLY that nice?

nooka · 04/11/2014 06:05

Bear in mind it may not necessarily be the father's fault he's not seen his son, or at least not entirely his fault. When relationships break up very badly sometimes maintaining contact can become very difficult.

SunshineAndShadows · 04/11/2014 06:08

I grew up with just my regular brother but when I was about 3 or 4 my half brother from one of my parents previous relationships came to live with us. I remember my parents telling us that we had a brother from when dad was married before and we just accepted it. Kids are very flexible and having a grown up brother was exciting. I would tell your kids they have a brother - show them a photo erc and explain that even though he doesn't live with you, he's family. They'll just accept it. Little kids don't know what 'normal' is

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 06:18

Nooka that is a poor poor excuse.

MillionToOneChances · 04/11/2014 06:36

OP doesn't want to discuss the circumstances. Can't we just give them the benefit of the doubt?

mummytime · 04/11/2014 06:44

For those criticising the Dad. Do you really have no imagination?

I can think of lots of reasons why the Dad couldn't keep in contact.

Some: the child was adopted, the child was brought up with other "parents within the family", the girls family moved and took her and the baby away (disappeared), both Dad and Mother come from a "community" where having a child outside marriage is "shameful" - so it was covered up, the Mother was married and passed the child off as her husband's etc. etc.

In a lot of those circumstances if the Dad had tried to "maintain contact" would it really have been in the best interests of the child?

The Dad could have been quite young at the time too.

SuperScrimper · 04/11/2014 06:48

I also would never, ever, have children with a man who had been a crap Father.

However, what is done is done. So now I think the actually priority is making the older child feel included, wanted and loved. Just talk about him. Make him part of normal life. He's not a horrible big secret to reveal, he's just a young man who clearly hasn't had the same chances in life as your DC.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/11/2014 06:53

I suspect the attitudes of tealady and flangeshrub are probably one of the main reasons for the thread.

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 07:06

Not an attitude at all.
Have you any idea how been kept a secret by your own father feels? Feeling like a complete outsider, like your something to be ashamed of?
And for those wondering my parents were married for 20 yrs before he left

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 07:10

Does this poor young man even want to know his 'd'f and his siblings? Has anyone asked what he wants or is it all about your children and their feelings

StopBarking · 04/11/2014 07:10

glad you're telling them. My x found a picture of his father standing beside a bride, not his mother, and said 'who's this woman?'. It was never spoken about in their family, I guess because his father had left his pregnant wife for another woman, so I'm not surprised really. HIs father was a horrible man.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/11/2014 07:13

The OP doesn't say whether the eldest was a secret from her, she doesn't even mention how long she has known.

Nor does she mention why her DH has had no contact.

So with almost no information your response is essentially to put him in a bad light, which is what the OP doesn't want.

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 07:26

I would hope he wasn't a secret from the op!
In my opinion there is no excuse for a decent man to not see his children. Because it's hard or shameful isn't a reason. If your man enough to make the child then you should be man enough to raise it

mummytime · 04/11/2014 07:28

Tealady - I suggest you get some counselling. Not every man is your father. Not every "secret" child is from the same circumstances.
Read the posts! The son is 20, the OPs children are tiny. It is highly likely that the son was born when his Dad was in his teens - especially as the PIL didn't even know about the child. That is totally different to an adult father abandoning one family, denying their existence and creating a new one.

This is not about your Dad!

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 07:55

I never thought this was about my father!
My point was about that poor child that's not included within the family x

Tealady1983 · 04/11/2014 07:56

And a teen father leaving the children is just as bad! It's still the children that suffer

Trickydecision · 04/11/2014 07:57

We had a similar situation. my DS had a son when he was 20. Though we were aware of the child, we had to respect the decision of the child's mother to bring him up herself with no contact other than financial from our DS. It was sad and I always felt a huge gap in my life.

Nearly two years ago, this Grandson got in touch with DS out of the blue. I can only say this has been a totally life enhancing experience for all of us. We love him dearly and he seems to feel the same. He is now part of the family and we see him as often as we would any 21 year old grandson.

Meanwhile DS had two further children, (7 and 9 at the time of the meeting) and we were all concerned as to how they would deal with a new half brother. We need not have worried, they adore their big brother, he dotes on them. Half sibling are hardky unusual amongst their friends.

None of our relatives knew about DGC's existence. Some friends might have known but were too tactful ever to refer to it. I wrote to my relatives telling them. Everyone was overjoyed for us. I loved saying to friends "we've got a new grandson - he's 20"

It is fair to say though, that DGS's mother and step father have found the new situation hard to accept. They have done the most fantastic job in bringing him up, and suddenly this new family are whisking him away on holiday, involving him in all family occasions. They have two littke girls of their own. We have still not met them but as DGS is engaged to a lovely girl, we hope that the wedding, when it happens, will be a source of reconciliation.

I hope it all, turns out just as well for you, OP.

SophieBarringtonWard · 04/11/2014 08:00

Just tell the children casually and matter of fact-ly. Don't keep it a secret.

I had a boyfriend who had secret older siblings from his dad's first marriage - bizarrely he didn't know about them but through small world connections I did. I ended up telling him about his 3 half brothers. Not great.

skylark2 · 04/11/2014 08:12

Put a photo somewhere - you could make a collage or photo album of lots of relatives with your older one if one photo would stand out like a sore thumb. It's a useful thing to have/do in general so any small child can get used to the idea of having multiple relatives who they don't see very often / at all. Then when they do finally meet some distant cousin, it's not "who are you, I've never heard of you" it's "oh we have a picture of you wearing a silly hat" (or whatever).

Send him a Christmas card (your kids won't get it this year, but next year your oldest can make his mark and the year after he'll probably be interested in who the people you send cards to are).

I can't see your DH's parents being an issue if they have so little contact with you that they don't even know your baby exists.

Original poster
mameulah · 04/11/2014 08:27

Thank you so very much everyone.

Tea lady - I am sorry about the circumstances you describe. It must horrible.

Various posters - I wouldn't have thought that I would have married a man who hadn't been there for his child either.

Yes, my DH is, indisputably, a wonderful man. There are a variety of circumstances contributing to this situation and I am trying to do my bit to improve it all. And, naturally my own children are my main concern.

My own family is completely different to my DH's experience of family life. Whilst that doesn't excuse what has happened it certainly goes some way to explaining it. For me anyway.

And, whichever poster said it, those who have attempted to flame me are exactly the reason why I am so concerned how about how to handle this situation.

Anymore advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 04/11/2014 08:29

Are the people around you, generally pleasant and polite?

I too think you're massively overthinking this. Getting in touch with long lost family members is generally thought of as a good thing. No one needs to dig into the reasons the son hasn't been in your lives.
People will pick up and reflect your feelings on the matter and if you present it as 'We're now in touch with **, it's really exciting', no one's going to piss on your chips.

A few years ago we were introduced to a new family member.
DH's grandpa's sister had had a son who was adopted and taken to Australia.
Nobody had any idea. And while inside we were thinking 'Good heavens! What? How is this possible?!' We were delighted to meet him and his son. He now lives in the UK with his wife and daughters and his history has become, for the rest of us, just other family story.